6 posts tagged “women”

Last night I went to another one of those Inspiring Women In Business talks. The last one I went to was pretty good, so I thought I'd shell out the £25 to see the next one.

That was my first mistake.

My second mistake was showing up.

The third was not bringing my hip flask to spike all of the fucking free Vitamin Water (complete with colorful neon straws) they were giving us. You know how women are about their water!

So. We have a bunch of women sitting in a room, who are all there to listen to three women talk about personal branding and entrepreneurship, and who are all silently psyching themselves up to network and frantically scanning the list of attendees to see if there's anyone even worth talking to.

The first speaker goes by. She had presence, charisma, and stretched out, pixelized photos in her Power Point presentation. Aside from the latter she was fantastic.

The next speaker...I don't even know what happened. I couldn't understand a damn word she said, she droned on and on and on, and I still don't know what the hell her business is or why she was supposed to be inspiring.

The third speaker was interesting, but half way through some jackass behind me had a "question". The presenter of the evening asked her to stand up and ask her question and from behind me this grating, overly loud voice says,

"HELLO. My name is BLAH BLAH and I'm a freelance designer and I have been trying to get in contact with you company FOR YEARS and now that I FINALLY have you in the same room as me I just want to let you know that I have some GREAT IDEAS for you that I think you will REALLY LIKE and I WOULD LOVE TO SIT DOWN TO TALK WITH YOU."

There was a hum of laughter, and most of the women (including the presenter) broke into some sort of congratulatory applause and acted like this was an act of inspiring bravery. I, on the other hand, had my eyes closed and was doing breathing exercises because it was SO FUCKING AWKWARD.

The presenter smiled graciously and tried to tell us all, yet again, about a time when networking and bravery REALLY worked for her, but Miss Blah Blah in the back of the room wasn't done:

"And LADIES. If you're wondering where I got all this CONFIDENCE from, I'll tell ya. It's a book called THE SECRET, ladies, and it's in paperback and DVD. It is SO INSPIRING. IT CHANGED MY LIFE. YOU SHOULD GO OUT AND BUY IT."

More awkward cooing and uncomfortable applause.

Wow! I'm sorry...that was confidence? I thought it was tactless, awkward, rude, and inconsiderate jackassery. Maybe I'm confused.

Soon after the awkward Secret outburst, the third "inspiring" speaker was finished and we were encouraged to, "Get out there AND START NETWORKING!!!!!!"

And that, my friends, was the moment that I silently started screaming in my head.

Trust me, I like to network. I've met some really cool folks by networking. I get how important it is. I know. I KNOW.

However, I believe you have to have the right combination of things to create the right networking atmosphere.

You also need people in common fields. AND MAYBE BOOZE.

By this time none of us had had dinner and their idea of snacks were those quarter-sized mini sandwiches and odd shaped cheeses on sliced tomatoes. Fucking hell, people. A GIRL NEEDS TO EAT. It was almost 9 and the event started at 6:30. Hello. We're not ALL anorexic!

And also, I find that if you DON'T PUSH THE NETWORKING THING SO FUCKING HARD people will feel a lot more comfortable and natural when they do speak to someone.

It's like asking us to flirt on cue! I can't do that! And, to be honest, I'm pretty sure the idea of networking is that everybody is after something. It's a get and give situation. You're looking for clients, you're looking for a new job, you're looking for contacts that can increase your business and help you.

So when you tell us all to hop to and to get networking, it's just becomes so unnatural and feels really competitive...like a bunch of cats in heat wandering around scratching up against every thing in the room that moves.

I guess it pissed me off so much because every single fucking time I go to an event like this, especially when it's for women, I'm not only the youngest, but the only person in my field. Women In Business is such an odd term, if you think about it. Does that mean women who work? Women who start their own business? Women who are interested in business?

And why is it that I've been to TWO "INSPIRING WOMEN" events in one month? Can't they think of something else? Why do we always need to be inspired? I would much rather be fed and given free booze than given some lame *inspiring* speech. Talk to me straight. Tell me how you got to the position you're in. Give me a case study of yourself. Please don't feed me Eleanor Roosevelt quotes that I've already heard and posted on my Myspace page about 5 years ago.

There are shit loads of creative, YOUNG, smart ,savvy women out there who are in business and I'm sure they feel just like me at these events. Where are all the women in tech at these events I go to? Where are the writers? The artists? The photographers?

Why is always just the same women from banks and corporations and PR companies with the occasional bitchy fashion editor thrown in the mix?

I just want to go to an event, meet other creative working women, leave with a stack of business cards with at least 3 I actually will use and knowing that I met and talked to women who in the same sector as I am.

I've had enough of being let down and insulted by the snooty bankers and fake ass PR women that clearly are only talking to me for the sake of saying they met their business card distribution quota for the week.

Clearly, these situations will always arise.  At certain events and certain venues they are inevitable. However, I am simply saying that I refuse to participate and act like a Networking Sheep at another one of these "INSPIRING" women's events. I'm not going to pretend to like Vitamin Water or force myself to talk to people that clearly have no idea what a blog is, just for the sake of throwing out a business card.

The one thing I did learn at that even was from the first speaker who said "networking isn't about handing out business cards...it's about having genuine conversations with people and putting the best version of yourself out there".

So. From now on, I am going to be smarter about networking decisions. I am not going to something just because I was invited. I am going to go to something because I think that there is something I can truly gain and walk away with.

And not just a free bag of things women like. You know...like, fruity lip gloss and tiny bottles of bath gel. UGH.

The common argument I hear against "ranty", argumentative, bitchy feminists who rage about things such as "The Patriarchy", is that they're basically complaining about nothing. Or rather, they don't have the right to complain about "those sorts of things" because we "really don't have it that bad".

We don't have it "that bad" because we're not living in Africa, Darfur, or the Middle East.

We don't have it that bad because we're a bunch of white/privileged/upper-middle class/rich/American women, living in Western Civilizations.

We're not made to wear Burqas. We are not arrested in nightclubs for wearing a shirt that reveals our back. We don't acid thrown on us like the women we see on Oprah. We're not those women.

We can go to college. We can marry whoever we want. We can work wherever we want. We can get a divorce. We can go on the pill. We can make our own money, and wear what we want...

So we should just shut the fuck up, and stop crying into our Manolos. It's NOT THAT BAD.

I'm sorry, but this argument is fucked. Royally.

Basically, this argument just says to women, "Well, you're not struck by poverty and horrible living conditions, and you're not being raped in the jungle, so really, what the hell have you got to complain about?"

I am by no means saying that I don't have it "better" than the women in Africa and The Middle East who don't have nearly as many freedoms as I do. I think some of their living conditions and daily experiences are horrific and incredibly saddening. And at the same time I feel bad for even saying that I find their way of life "horrific" because really, some of the things we, as Western Women, find "horrific" are traditions, religions, and a heavy part of another woman's culture.

But, just how politically I don't think it's necessarily best for the Western Civilizations to bomb around telling everyone that their governments should look just like ours and function just like ours...I don't think its necessarily right to tell all other women that their religion is completely fucked, and that their lives should look just like ours.

We're all very aware of the fact that as Americans or Canadians or Europeans, our lives are freer, safer, and cleaner than the women in less fortunate situations. We know that.

But I don't think we should just shut up and love where we are because it's not as bad as elsewhere. That's like telling a woman who's husband tells her she's a fat, stupid bitch every night, that she shouldn't really complain, because at least he doesn't hit her.

When it's bad, it's bad. I don't are what level of bad you're at, once you've entered the threshold of "bad", you're in there. Sadness is sadness, no matter how deep.

Therefore, as women in the more "privileged countries",  just because we've been told we can be whoever we want to be, and do whatever we want to do...doesn't exactly mean that things are peachy fucking keen.

So please don't tell me that "We've never had it so good!" and that "You've come a long way, baby!"

Try telling that to the MILLIONS of women at this very moment, shoving their delicately manicured fingers down their throats and vomiting up their lunch.

When we clearly have an entire society built on women constantly having to improve themselves, slim down, shape up, "get a beach gorgeous bod", slice themselves open, or starve themselves skeletal, forgive me if I don't really feel like MY GOD, we have come SUCH A LONG WAY!

I mean, I can vote, why should I still have a problem!

It makes me angry, that's why I rant. And I can't help but wonder if the people who are telling us to shut up and to enjoy the freedoms that we've got, are the same people that benefit from us keeping quiet.

The women who want us to shut up because "it's not that bad" benefit from being where they are: on top. They've fought and clawed their way to the top. They've battled the patriarchy and are sitting pretty. And what's that? A bunch of younger women complaining that it's not good enough? Saying that the women on top aren't high enough, and are busy clawing their way to your post - if not higher? My god! Why WOULDN'T they want us to shut up? We might prove them wrong, be better,  perhaps even more liberated.

I think the most prevelant example of why things are a lot worse than they seem is in Courtney E Martin's book, Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. She writes about how the women heard "you have to do everything" when our parent's told us "you can do anything". We are perfectionists, and really, I can't think of a single women I know who isn't.

They may not call themselves that, as the word "perfectionist" sounds almost as dirty as  "feminist", but the things that are inside of me -never feeling good enough, desperate need for approval, fear of failing, self-hate, etc- manifest themselves in my daily life in the form of control and perfectionism.

The same traits, even if its just one, exist in many, many women. Too many. Dare I even say millions. They may manifest themselves in other women in different ways aside from perfectionism: eating disorders, depression, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, insomnia, "food issues", distorted body image, etc...Or, they may have all of the imaginable above. It just depends.

As Martin puts it, there's a "starving daughter" in far too many of us; the starving daughter that constantly, unforgivably, reminds us that we're not perfect:

"[We] are full of self doubt. We don't want to worry so much about making other people happy but feel like we can never say thank you enough times, never show enough humility, never help enough, never feel enough shame. We feel guilty. we fear conflict. We are dramatic, sensitive, injured easily. we are clinging to all kinds of attachments that , in our minds, we know we should let go of, but in our bodies, we feel incapable of relinquishing. We are self-pitying, sad, even depressed. We are tired of trying so hard all the time."

Does this hit uncomfortably home for anyone else?

Maybe my views on feminism and women are warped. Maybe I think I am more like other women than I really am. Maybe I am just in line with the fucked up few who feel like this, or partly like this...

But I highly doubt that I am. THIS is what is wrong with our society, and with the brilliant, talented, beautiful young women who EVERY DAY tell themselves that they aren't beautiful enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. Or perfect enough to be worthy for your love, praise, and attention.

The Guardian ran a piece a couple months ago called "We've never had it so good" where Louise Carpenter talked the women of today who are "unburdened by responsibility" and "are experiencing true economic, emotional and sexual freedom". Though she admits her research was "hardly scientific, nor was it socially or economically comprehensive, since I concentrated mainly on women with degrees" she quickly dismisses the impact that has on her findings: "nevertheless it revealed something quite startling".

The only thing I felt was "startling" about her findings were the women she interviewed that clearly lived in some sort of obscure fucked-up Candy Land.

She interviewed women who are all going to universities, all have between "£500 - £1,000" free spending money a month (because THAT'S so normal) and who clearly haven't slummed it any way shape or form at any point in their lives.

Are these the sort of women who are going to complain about the injustices in our society? Um, no. They're the perfect examples of why we shouldn't complain, and they have all the right answers to prove it:

"Intelligence and humour were considered overall more important than looks. They all articulated the importance of feeling sexy over looking sexy, although they made the connection between the two. All thought the size-zero issue was ridiculous and had only vaguely dieted (although none, interestingly, were above a size 12 and most were a 10). Cosmetic surgery was not seen as a real option although I got the impression 'work' for a few of them might at some stage incorporate Botox."

See? Perfect! Those are the girls who are "too good" to get eating disorders. They know better than that, right? One girl in the interview admitted to needing therapy halfway through college because the pressure go to be too much, but that was easily brushed over with more praise and statistics proving that girl power has prevailed, and that since all these women were doing so well, what's the point of feminism?

The more I read through this article the more the women she was interviewing sounded like the Stepford Girls:

"There's no doubt that there is now more pressure than ever to succeed,' il: 'At school and university, it was no longer enough to simply be academically successful.The twentysomething women I know aren't bothered about old-style feminism. We're not interested in trying to feel "empowered", partly because we see ourselves as equal to men now: we can work, vote, sleep around, all without anyone barely batting an eyelid."

REALLY? You can sleep around without anyone barely batting an eyelid? Who do you know? Where are these people? And what fucking drugs are you on??

I love the "we're not interested in feeling empowered" bit. I wonder why she feels that there is so much pressure on her, and what she does and thinks behind closed doors. Where does that pressure come from? Hmmmm sister? Probably just from yourself. And I wonder what she would say if she was asked if she thought her male counterparts had to work as hard as she did?

"In some ways that's liberating, but at the same time it's as if we've become suffocated by choice: we have nothing to complain about and nothing left to fight for. We don't have to get married to survive, and if we do we can get divorced if it doesn't work out how we hoped. Men now take a substantial share of domestic responsibility and much more of a role in child-rearing. My career choices as a woman starting out on the ladder are endless."

Yup! You're right. Everything is just PERFECT HERE. This girl has it all figured out. I'm just wondering what society it is that she lives in because I think that there are PLENTY of people that would disagree with her.

Oh, but then we have the statistics to show us that SEE? Women are doing so well! Never mind that we're fucking killing ourselves to get there, by god,  just look at our dazzling statistics!

33 is the average age for women to get married. Twenty years ago, it was 26.

(Thank god. Marriage rots your brain.)

3x- likelihood of British men to commit suicide, as compared with women.

(Great! We're killing ourselves less! That's swell!)

26 is the average age for women to have children. In 1971 it was 23.

(Thank god. Babies rot your brain. Plus, who has time to have babies? You're too busy BEING PERFECT.)

40% of professional jobs in UK are held by women.

(FORTY??? FORTY PERCENT??? Yeah. That's definitely something TO FUCKING CELEBRATE. Way to look at the glass half full, bitch.)

20% of young women break the government's alcohol limits.

(Well thank god. There's nothing worse than young women drinking more than a pint of cider. They get out. of. control.)

Carpenter closes her article by saying, "The future is bright and it is female. Maybe it is the poor, confused young men we should be worried about."

She's just wrong on so many levels, it hurts me.

Maybe there is a group of delusional women *cough CAITLIN FLANAGAN cough* who wander around pretending that things are swell and we can do whatever we want whilst those other women of the world starve themselves, throw up their food, check themselves in and out of therapy, and continue to feel disgusted with themselves for not being perfect...but I'm sure as fuck not one of them.

And I doubt I'm alone on this one. The political IS the personal. If the US government chipping away at women's right to control their bodies doesn't scare you, it should. If you think the situation of "the blonde girl with big tits and a small IQ getting promoted before you" doesn't exist, think again. Because it sure as fuck does.

Abortion is a real issue. Body image is a real issue. Perfectionism and depression exist, and they don't just happen to weak, broken girls. Rape doesn't just happen in Darfur and in Lifetime movies.

You can continue to hide under your Kate Moss for Topshop dress and pretend it doesn't, and pretend that feminism is unneeded and unwanted, and continue to tell us that we don't have it that bad...

But while you're doing that, we'll continue to rant, and rage, and act, and write, and Bitch and Bust about it until you can't ignore us any more.

I am a young, privileged, white American woman. I am intelligent. I have a loving husband. I have a wonderful home. I have a family that loves me. I am beautiful. I am thin. I have and make my own money. I do what I love for a living...

I have a depressive disorder that I will carry the rest of my life. I have been sexually harassed. I have been emotionally abused. I have been in unhealthy relationships. In my short lifetime, I have made myself throw up food. I have a self-inflicted scar on my left wrist.  I have been to therapy, and probably will go again in the future. I have body image issues. I have issues with food. 

Because of all this, I know that feminism is important.

I know that from the outside looking in, I shouldn't have a worry in the world. But on the inside looking out, I feel my pain. I can see pain in other women.

And that is why I rage. Because I am beautiful, and I so want to believe that. I have to know that one day I can say that, and mean it. Mean every single letter. And until then, I will fight. And I will continue fighting until I know that every little girl and every young woman and every old woman can say it and mean it too.

If that's not something to fight for, I don't know what is.

I know there are some that believe that because I call certain types of women Gaping Vaginas, or Stupid, that I'm an insensitive hypocrite or a "bad feminist". That I'm putting down women by talking badly about certain types of women.

However, I'm actually quite a fan of women.

That is why I spend hours and hours of my life, every single day, examining "women's issues",  trying to find positive examples for women; why I try to immerse myself in all things that promote healthy and empowering lifestyle choices for women.

Blindly telling people, "You go girl! You're empowered!" no matter what they do, isn't exactly being supportive of women. Do we all know what an enabler is?

Sometimes we need to criticize each other. We need to lift up the women who are kicking ass. The way we kick ass doesn't all have to look alike, but there need to be some major lifestyle and behavior choices that need to be axed. Ya know, like flashing your vagina to the world for a living, or weighing as much as a 4th-grader when you're a 25-year-old woman that stands at 5'10" for the sake of fashion.

Life is fucking hard. And its even harder when you're a women who allows herself  to be bogged down by stereotypes, glass ceilings, and society's stupid ass rules.

To an extent, I think everyone, male or female is affected by such things.

However, aside from all of the frustrations from GVs and the women who seem to revel in their own self-indulgent, stereotyped-chaos...

 There are some fabulous women out there who lead such empowering lifestyles that they just leave me in an awestruck state of appreciation, envy, and inspiration.

These women that just seem to be light years away from the place I'd like to be. In fact, they're so fabulous, that I the best way I know how to describe them sometimes is "put-together".

But what does "well put-together" mean?

For my own definition, it means many different things. I've always looked up to women who have a "set up". This may mean that they have a lot of accessories, a strong sense of style, a lot of handy-dandy-gadgets. That X-factor. When I was younger I probably envied one of my peers that had a well decorated binder, and a set of matching gel pens. (Remember them? Oh man. Gel Pens.)

It's not that I'm just in awe of women who have material things - it goes deeper than that.

If they have a moleskin journal obsession, it may not be just because they like to buy the most expensive journals, but because she's a writer, and she feels the most inspired to write when she has a quality notebook.

 And the reason she has such an nice pen collection, is because she'll only write in black ink, and writes so much that she goes through pens like most go through chewing gum.

The women with the most eclectic accessories may not just be a fashionista, but owns so many different pieces of fantastic looking jewellery because she's a photographer who travels to the most exotic of locations, and has made a tradition of buying one piece of jewellery from every city she visits.

My own personal admiration of women who have lots of accessories, or a well organized, vintage handbag is because I believe it shows depth.

A story.

Having a crap load of lip glosses and a Nicole Richie inspired sunglasses collection may not exactly have a story to it, other than the fact that you're IRRITATING.

There are so many women, who just have these amazing stories, and endearing quirks, and talents:

They have cute glasses, and curly hair, and have an impeccable sense of style.

They bake. They create.

They speak French and make fucking furniture with their BARE HANDS.

They cook food and write about how it touches and fits into their lives about it so eloquently...

They start a blog, and then end up writing screen plays, and TV shows with Steven Spielberg.

These women, and women like them, are not people to be jealous of.

Why do we expend so much energy being jealous of "well put together women", when we could be inspired by them?

Why are we so quick to hate someone and be jealous of them, when we could just learn from them?

At the same time, I'm sure any of the women I've mentioned, and ones I haven't because they don't exactly have a link, may say, "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't 'have it together'."

From the outside looking in, perhaps most of us appear to have our shit together and be on the ball about stuff. Do I think I do?

Sort of.

I think I've got most of my 'internal shit' (literally, and not so literally) together: I understand my emotions very well. My relationship, my relationship with my family members and in-laws, my relationship with myself and my body image...These are all things that I've put as my top priority. I don't have any lurking demons in my emotional closets. Sure I have normal issues and a pain in the ass depressive disorder that I deal with on a pretty regular basis...

But I feel that since I've given all of that inside crap priority over everything else, I haven't really developed a lot of the other stuff that I want to...

And because I don't quite have all of the trimmings of the other women I see to be "put together", then I must not be.

Do I have moleskin journals?

Can I make a fucking table and chairs?

CAN I ADAPT THE RECIPE FOR "GREEN LENTIL SOUP WITH COCONUT MILK AND WARM SPICES" FROM ONCE UPON A TART AND MAKE IT MY OWN?

NoOoooOooo!

Is that a ridiculous thought?

Definitely.

Especially considering I know that nobody's happiness can be identical to someone else's.

But when I'm going through a stressed-out funk where I feel like I need more substance in my life, I start to compare and notice things about the other people I see who seem to have shit loads of substance in their life. And then I start to notice that, hey, they bake. They spend time doing projects for their home to increase how much they like being at home. They manage to buy incredible clothes for cheap. They can speak 3 languages...

Some of it is just me being too hard on myself.

But, then again, I think there are parts of that way of thinking that are positive, especially considering that, in the past, the idea of doing anything Houswife related or something that "women should do" gave me a small panic attack.

I seem to have grown up a bit.

And I don't think its a coincidence that most of the women I find myself so in awe of tend to have hobbies and do things that I, myself, am intimidated by. Is the reason I've made jokes about housewives and knitters in the past because they do something I can't? Probably. That's some of the reasoning behind it. I can admit that.

I can also admit that I'm trying to be a bit more open. Learn. Learn from other women. Listen. Take a risk and try something new, accepting that I may not be perfect at it. (**Blood curdling scream**)

I'm learning to be a better cupcake Cate, which, in turn, makes me a better woman.

So, I tip my hat to all of you fabulous women out there.

You scare me. You intimidate me.

Your hair is better than mine. (You bitch. Did I just say that? I didn't mean it. Swear. I didn't mean it.)

And the best part is, I don't hate you for it.

No jealousy here, ladies. Just admiration.

YOU GO, GIRL!!!!

A'ight Foo's.

I know you think I'm the laziest Bride in all tarnation for not mo'bloggin' my wedding, or posting pictures already...

And well, yes, you would be right.

And, all of our wedding photos are in Iain's mum's digital camera... I'll try to get some emailed to me soon so you can all stare at the magical fluff of polka dots that was my dress.

My other excuse is that, well, I haven't really felt like writing about it yet. It was lovely, and romantical, and yes, I did blubber and cry.

It was basically perfect...other than the gale force winds, my "special occasion" zits, the rain, my period, and the fact that the curling iron my mom sent me to do my hair had the wrong voltage so it was either chance it and possibly die, or have straight hair.

I had straight hair.

But, we are married. I'm "wifey" he's "hubaby" and so far we still have a sex life.

We didn't have our own soppy "You are the wind beneath my wings, and I will always love you" vows.

We walked down the aisle together to Etta James' "At Last"...

During our signing of our marriage certificate Glen Miller's "Star dust" played...And we walked out to "These Are The Days" by Sugarland.

Fuck yes, we took our "first steps as man and wife" to a country song...in England.

I'm not really sure how to do it justice and "give details"...It was really nice. It was a nice day. We had a really fun, drunk weekend in Brighton.

We had pizza on our wedding night, along with copious amounts of vodka...

Iain bought me some fucking kick ass ear muffs, and the ketchup bottle of my dreams...All in all, it was fabulous.

I just feel weird writing about our wedding. I don't have words to describe how special and memorable it was. I feel strangely private about it, almost. I haven't really talked about it...But that's kind of how I am. If I'm happy about something I like to hold it in for a while, and think, and mull it over, and treasure it and keep it private and safe.

I may never burst out with tons of details, or I may. Actually, I'm surprised at how much I've written so far, lol.

But what I can tell you how "married life" feels...

It feels THE SAME.

It's exciting to be able to call each other "husband" or say "Dude...We're married." and giggle at my new last name like we're kids faking being adults and playing house...

It feels the same as when you finally are "official" and can say "this is my totally awesome boyfriend!!" when introducing the guy you've been shagging for the past 2 months to your friends...

I don't feel like "OMFG! Finally". We didn't burst into the hotel throwing confetti with "Just Married" signs on our backs screaming "We're NEWLY-WEDS! We're in LOVE!".

I don't feel more committed. I don't feel more secure, or in love, or loved, or safer in our relationship.

At the same token I don't just think it's a piece of paper...I think it's a nice ceremony and represents a lovely idea that should be taken seriously, but not too seriously or weighed with heavy expectations that it will transform, better, or worsen your relationship.

I don't think being married makes me an "expert" or a person of superiority when it comes to the concept of marriage.

The day after we got married, Iain and I talked for a long time about the word "wife".

When I think of what being a wife means to me...I picture Iain and I through our years together, being down at the pub. Growing older and older, but still the same. Still drunk, still horny, but wiser and even closer. I think of the comical yet realistic image of me as a mother. I picture our first home.

However.

The word WIFE....

Through the media, in society, culturally, and traditionally the word WIFE has taken on a really shitty connotation.

For example....

"Do you mind if my girlfriend comes down to the pub with us?"

Sounds a lot different than....

"Do you mind if my wife comes down to the pub with us?"

From what I've experienced, none of the married men in my social circle bring their WIVES along places. You'll see girlfriends, or people that they're shagging, but not their wife?

Why is that?

"WIFE" brings up this image of the bitter ball in chain who doesn't want their husband going out with his friends a lone because she's insecure and jealous and needs to be included so he doesn't have to leave early, be on his mobile the entire time, or "get in trouble with THE WIFE" when get stumbles home...

Your girlfriend will nag, or come along and have fun...But your wife?

 WIFE?

How many times do you hear that word and words associated with it, drip with negativity, and disgust?

"Yeah, ya know, cuz THE WIFE"

"I better go, gonna hear it from THE WIFE"

"The old ball and chain"

"The Missus"

"It's probably his WIFE."

"Yeah, I don't think he can because of his WIFE."

Somewhere in the twisted roots of women being obsessed with marriage, men not wanting to get married, high divorce

rates, sexless marriages, Hera and Eve; the word 'wife' became tainted, and now doesn't seem to carry much honor or holiness in society, does it?

Of course the same can be said for marriage, but, for fuck sake I'm not getting paid to write a novel, here.

There are times when "husband" doesn't sound so great, as well...

"Oh I have to go or my husband will get mad..."

"Oh I can't, I'll have to ask my husband, first...."

But I don't think "husband" holds nearly such a negative connotation, socially and stereotypically, as the word "wife" does.

Quite frankly it pisses me off.

What's a "wife"?

Why the fuck are wives portrayed so badly?

Aside from the obvious Desperate Housewives bullshit, there are plenty of other "wife" stereotypes that are portrayed in the media, and pushed upon women in real life scenarios.

You have the "frumpy, dowdy wife" that wants her husband to stay home more, and be there for the kids, even though she doesn't really love him.

The "Mommy wife" who just cares about her children, the PTA, and wants a passionless, picture perfect marriage. This would be the same stereotypical wife that is too perfect and "motherly" to have sex with, and therefore the husband has no choice but to have an affair.

Then there's the "slutty wife" -or WILF- who cheats and fucks all of her hubby's friends...

Or the "gold digging wife".

The "corporate wife".

The "trophy wife".

The "pregnant all the time with 7 kids wife".

.The women of my generation idolize the Carrie Bradshaws and Bridget Joneses of the world....

Single girls who are FABULOUS at being single and hopeless at relationships. They're funny and look good...Why, they're just like us!

But society and the media fail to address the question of:

Can you be fabulous when you're no longer a girlfriend, but a WIFE?

Where is our healthy, intelligent, Carrie Bradshaw-esque, happily married wife?

...No where.

That doesn't make good television, tabloids, or stories. She's boring. What's exciting about that?

Nope. We need XTREME WIVES!

Jessica Simpson! (divorced and stoopid)

Britney Spears! (perpetually knocked up, married to a losah, and now divorced.)

Victoria Beckham! (WAG. 'Too Posh To Push'. Surgically enhanced, talentless, twig of a woman who doesn't appear to have a motherly bone in her fragile, frigid, frame.)

And do I really need to go into what's wrong with Desperate Housewives? (The TV show people, oy. I'm not going there again.)

No WONDER every one on my friends (except my one married friend) have such a fucking ugly idea of what marriage is. I'm not claiming to know, as I haven't been married a week, but FUCK there are no examples??!??

I used to think marriage was the stupidest concept in the world. And according to the impressions society gives us about being a "wife"...Why would we want to go and ruin our lives with all that?

There are some great examples of kick ass Moms out there...Like Heather and Kristen....

But wives that don't have children, but are happy, fulfilled, and in a healthy, loving relationship?

Uuuuhhhhmmmm....They must exist? Why can I not think of any?

I refuse to let the negative "wife" connotations ruin my ideas of what being a wife means.

I believe it takes more than one person to change a stereotype. However, I'm going to bust my ass to bring "wifey" back.

Yeah, I'll be the lone wife at the pub. The lone wife in my social group....

But for fuck sake, Iain and I are going to prove that wife CAN and IS a good word.

It is a word to be proud of... 

And as a former marriage/wife hater I'm realizing that you can change your own rules by not being intimidated by labels or doing something that can be brushed aside by others as "selling out" or "buying in" to something.

I am a wife. I am married. I have a husband.

I am not a stereotype. I am not defined by a label.

I don't cook because I don't enjoy it yet, and my husband likes to. I make choices based on my personal morals or beliefs, not through fear that the choice I'm making will not align with the traditional guidelines of a label I have branded myself with.

I am wife, hear me burp.

Gaping Vaginas of the world, greetings.

We haven't really talked in a while. 

I've documented you here in "The Vagina Blogs". 

And also here, here, and MY GOD! Take a real hard look at the first part of this little ditty.

I even wrote about you HERE, GV.

It's like we have our own little blog affair going on!

So, don't go gettin' all butt hurt when you read this.

I've got a big ass tag with your name on it,  STUPID GIRL...

We've had a long, troubled road, GV. You've had it comin'.

So wipe that innocent, shocked look off of your lycra, thong laden face and listen up.

Girls, get your shit together.

I'm not saying this to hurt your sensitive little heart, stomp on your soul, or tamper with your fragile ego...But really?

COME ON.

Now, look, "Gaping Vagina" isn't the greatest name for you, I know. It's not PC. And it automatically gives a negative connotation to the word "Vagina". However, I feel that you, in turn, are giving all the real women out there a bad name with your pathetic antics, so let's just revel in the irony, okay?

So, for those of who are not a GV, or are just to blind to see that you are, let me explain.

Gaping Vagina: (gae-PING vah-JI-nah) noun / plural - ji-NAZ / abbr: GV 

1. a person, usually a woman, who behaves in a manner comparable to that of a twat, and of an idiotic, bitchy nature. The term, in this definition, is reference to a "vagina of large size" implying that the GV behaves, also, in  the way a "slut" or "Hooker" would. The Gaping Vagina will stop at nothing to receive the pathetic amount of gratification it needs for it to feel satisfied. It will cheat, imitate, lie, and steal to reach a false sense of satisfaction and their overwhelming need to be adored. The GV pays not attention to those who do not present a direct benefit to their selfish wants and desires. 

2.a person, okay a woman, who has no real thoughts, ideas or opinions of her own. In this definition, the term Gaping Vagina implies that the woman is acting like "a pussy", slang for  "cowardly" and "without courage". The GV enjoys what everyone else likes, and is so scared of not being liked, that it cannot reveal its true self. The GV will follow, and mimic. Whatever works for everyone else, works for them, too. They are a blind follower, and GV1's biggest fan. 

Synonyms: twat, cunt, Paris Hilton 

Now, GV1, what the hell happened to a self respect?

You hide behind your "I'm just one of the boys" act.

Why can't you be more proud of the fact that not only are you a woman  but you're a smart woman.

I'm not just talking about the fucking morons on TV and in your US Weekly or HELLO!

I've been disgusted with this for a long time. I don't think it's just up to celebrities, and authors, and actresses to portray what a real woman should be.

WE, you and I, make up the REAL world. The world that we all have to play nice with each other in.

 I'm talking about the adult women in my life, in your life, and all across the fucking world who apparently that can't get their shit together.

They can't get their shit together to respect themselves, get their life in order, and be a good wife, sister, daughter, mother, or friend 

Not even a friend to them self.

I'm talking about GVs in the workplace, online, in your personal life, in your face, in your ears, and fucking with your head.

What the is wrong with you, GV?

Why are you so obsessed with competition, and acceptance, and attention? Why are you willing to do whatever it takes to get that sad gratification from someone giving you a pat on the back or inviting you out for drinks next Thursday.

You are exclusive, not inclusive. You have half hearted friendships that are only based on your pathetic need to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

You smile at everyone, but don't have the balls enough to snarl.

You must be liked. You must get invited everywhere. You can't miss anything, you need to know everything, and you need to know more, and be better, hotter, funnier, thinner, bustier, and smarter than EVERYONE.

Your friends. Your "best friend" (all 34 of them). Your family. Your coworkers. Your acquaintances.

If there is someone out there in your radar that is "competition" in your eyes the Green Lights go flashing and you zone in:

There's a fresh one. A live one

. Someone naive to your trickery and lies.

She must know that you are higher than her.

Or that you think she's so awesome.

You pose as a follower, or a leader, whichever works best with her. You smile. You giggle.

You have SO MUCH in common.

Best friends!

But the guys like her better. She's smarter than you are. 

And why is she so funny? Gawd. Why aren't YOU that funny? Why doesn't everyone laugh at YOU like THAT?

That bitch.

So you become more like her.

Not just friends with similarities. You take whatever she does, sex it up and dye it "envy emerald green", and pass it off as your own.

My god you try hard. And you're sneaky, not everyone sees.

You're like the female Gollum.  Except you drink Gin and Tonic instead of live, raw fish...

You've got a split personality so deranged you don't even know what your real name is anymore. 

(It's Sméagol! SHMEEGLE! SHHHMMEEEGGGLLLEEE!!!!!)

Your laugh becomes louder. Your shirt gets tighter and lower. Your skirts rise up while your dignity plunges.

Why are you suddenly sipping pink cosmos instead of your usual one olive martini? 

But you're just one of the guys, right? So we can't get mad at you if you hug our boyfriends just a little too close and a little too long because,

A) Oh my god, we're like brother and sister! Do you really think I LIKE your BOYFRIEND? EW!

B) That's just the way I am. I'm naturally flirty.

C) I'm so innocent and lovable. Everyone just loves me, so you better not say anything bad about me.

It's near fucking impossible to call a GV on their bullshit, and if you do she'll claim you're just "threatened" by her or she'll pull the "I'm Sensitive" card and make it seem like your the jealous bitch.

You're a smart one, GV. You're crafty.

But you could be so much smarter if you would just would put all of the energy you're spending manipulating and coning others, into yourself.

From the bible one of my absolute favorite books, Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy, comes the quote,

"Why is it still the case that if we have a series about women on television, it has to be about their bodies and sexuality?"

Yes, sexuality and our bodies are a big part of who we are, but that is not all we are.

We all know this, right? Or were you sick the day they went over that in school?

Why is it that if women want to be popular or stand out, there are so many of us that will still mock society's rules and put breasts before brain? 

And why is it when so many women are losing, and their success and popularity is on the line, they panic and, ,

 "Um, ah, Um...God..Wow, I'm uh. So, erm...Geez. TITS! Me so horny! Look at me guys! I'm liberated and sexual! You like me! You liiiiiiike meeee!"

Don't have the wits or the energy to 'win' any other way?

Hey! Be slutty! It seems to work for everyone else!

But you're not being a stereotype or anything, oh no, because you're what Ariel Levy would call, "A 'loophole woman', an exception in a male-dominated field [or group] whose presence supposedly proves its penetrable."

You're sexy! You're putting you and your sexuality out there because "that's just how you are". You have guts! You're so crazy! Right?

In Susan Brownmiller's words,

"You think you're being brave, you think you're being sexy, you think you're transcending feminism. But that's bullshit."

And it is bullshit. And the women around you that you try so hard in every which way imaginable to "beat" and "use" and "be like" will look at you like how I LOOK AT YOU.

And that is with a disapproving, raised eye brow, as I take a sip of my double, Absolut Better-Than-You cocktail and think to myself, "What a god damn Gaping Vagina."

As will every single other woman, and hopefully, man in your life because it is too difficult to keep up all those lies and shows at once. You will burn your own bridges. They will from both ends and turn to ash.

I just hope by the time you are stranded on your own lonely island with nothing but a bunch of fishnets and "Lip Venom" left will you have finally figured out what your problem is?

Or will we have a new TV program called "GV and the Island" where you sit on your laptop and video blog about the trials and tribulations of masturbation and how horny you are all by yourself on that god damn island.

And as for the Gaping Vaginas in Definition #2 (GV2) ....

Stop being so fucking scared of everything! Stop being afraid people won't like you, or you'll make people mad.

GV, why must you just jump on the bandwagon and throw caution to the wind?

Don't you realize we can see how awkward and out of place you are, standing there in someone else's skin?

Why are you sweet as Splenda to all of these people, just for the sake of being liked?

 You know who you are deep down, so why have you become such a fucking sell out?

These are the girls in your life that live to be exactly like their heroes, and exactly the same as their friends,

"Oh my god, I love Victoria Beckham because she's so beautiful. Oh wait....you don't like her? OH, yeah she's such a slut. So anorexic. Wait, you like her book?  OH! Me, too! It's so awesome. I love her clothes."

It is because of the 2nd type of GV that the 1st kind is so prevalent.

GV2 worships GV1.

GV1 feeds off of her because OH MY GOD SHE ADORES ME. She gives me all the attention I need!

The GV1 doesn't mind being copied because it is OH so flattering! She has a precious follower who buys into her bullshit.   

GV2 thinks GV1 is wonderful not because of HOW she gains attention and adoration, but simply because she HAS attention and adoration.

They mimic and copy anyone and everyone that the masses appear to like, without using judgment. People like them, therefore they must be good, right? 

For example...

• Paris Hilton.

She cannot sing. She is not intelligent. She is NOT sexy. She is famous for her sex tape, being stupid, and for being rich.(Did I mention her wonky eye?)

Why do girls try to be like her, dress like her, and fuck like her?

Aren't we over this? Over her? Why do so many girls still like her?

• "How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale" by Jenna Jameson

I find it hilarious that highly intelligent women out there, are reading and buying this book.

Do you realize you're reading an author who was simultaneously selling a best selling memoir, and a real life model of her "ass and vagina"  with complimentary bottle of lube at the same time?

 Inspiring? Impressive? Worthy of imitation and praise? Hardly.

• The "Girl With A One Track Mind" phenomenon.

This was actually the sex blog/book behind the "Vagina Blogs" post I linked to.

 Blunt sex talk. 

Where do you draw the line behind pornography and 'blunt sex talk'. You can be sexual. I'm sexual. I just don't really talk about my sex life. My choice. It's also your choice to talk about it. But I don't think you're talking about it because you want to. Or that's just "how you are". 

You're talking about it because you enjoy the hard-ons and wide-ons from your fellow GV friends and stupid followers get because of it.

I believe being sexy is the same as being funny.

It has to be subtle. It's an acquired taste. Not every technique or approach works for everyone all the time...but everyone is funny to somebody else out there.

When a joke is forced, obvious, and has to be explained, it's not funny.

When you have to constantly say, "See? Did you see what I did there? I'm mad I am!" that's not funny.

The same goes for sexiness.

And sexy isn't "So I was fucking this guy yesterday, god it was so fucking good. Oh my tits. Did I tell you about my tits?"

That's just stupid. That's the same kinda 'sexy; as porn: Hard. Cold. Emotionless.

Real 'sexy' is intimate. Passionate. Heat.

When a GV2 uses sex for attention, or tries to pass themselves off as being just "naturally sexual", it sounds and looks like a person with no rhythm attempting to do the tango. It doesn't fit. It's not natural, therefore, not sexy.  

Look, ladies.

Just because you are not willing to hop on the pathetic bandwagon that is the GV's way of life does not make you 'out of touch', or prudish.

Just like me calling out the GVs on their behavior doesn't make me jealous.

I LOL @ U!

I don't have a problem with anyone who flexes their freedom to CHOOSE and makes a CHOICE that I disagree with as long that it is based on honesty, truth, intelligence, and for them self!.

Be ORIGINAL.

Be HONEST.

You would not talk about your sex life, have your tits on display, or use overly sexual language if it didn't get you attention.

You would not befriend certain people if you didn't think their friendship, or associating yourself with their name, would get you somewhere higher than where you are.

Your vocabulary, choice of drink, choice of music, and persona alter, change and distort change simply depending on who is praising you with attention at the moment. 

STOP IT.

Not everything is a competition. 

Not everyone is out to get you.

Not every woman is jealous of you.

Just because not every woman likes you, isn't because they are jealous of the attention you are getting. It is not even because "girls just don't like other girls".

There are just some of us who work hard to be ourselves. We work and keep our eyes and tits focused and pointed on our own passions, goals, and our own lives.

You just have yours focused and pointed on everyone else, seeing if they're staring at yours. 

So, Miss.Gaping Vagina.

Stop faking it.

It's like, so much fuckin' hotter when it's, like, real and shit.
 

 

Well gosh darn it.

 Had I only known about this book at Oliver Bonas,

I could have saved myself a lot of deep thoughts and

from the wrath of a lot of angry women.