1 post tagged “we are scientists”
WOW! It's been a while since I last posted. This is mostly due to the fact that I've been doing nothing but updating my Twitter and wanking all day because isn't that what people who work from home, like, do and stuff?
LOLZ. Just kidding. How could I possibly be on Twitter all day when this happens every five minutes?
No, but really I have been busy. And not just wanking all the time. (That only takes up at 5-10 minutes at a time, anyway.)
Let's see. What have I been up to?
I suppose the event that sticks out in my mind the most is that last weekend I was worried for a full 24 hours that I was knocked up. I was a few hours away from buying one of those tests when - glory be to god - it happened. It was a weird week, to tell the truth. I had like, 7 pregnancy dreams that involved either twins, a miscarriage, an ultra sound, a pregnancy test, or me just waddling around being pregnant.
All of these dreams were horrible, can I just say that. Horrible. They fucked with my brain, especially when I thought I actually was pregnant. I thought somehow, someway, my uterus was whispering sweet nothings to my subconscious - but alas, the dreams were probably because I:
a) Watched Juno twice. (Once normal, once with the commentary on. Hello NERD.)
b) Watched a special on teenage mothers and young grandmas
c) Went to a screening of Baby Mama...ironically on the same day that I totally thought I was knocked-up. I was not pleased.
I didn't really to write about The Scare, as it wasn't even quite a scare. Flow was like a day late. A day. It was just the combination of dreams and lateness and the realization that if an *accident* were to occur, I know what I would choose to do.
But I was afraid that choice would make me seem selfish.
I'm married. I'm not 16. My life is pretty stable...right?
But in my heart, I know that would take our life into a different place. A place I'm not ready for. A place I don't think I'm mentally capable of navigating very well. That version of my life...I'm not ready to take it on. I'm not...we're not there.
So, that's that.
Thankfully, this choice only had to happen in my brain. I still think from time to time, about the decision we would make. I know it's for the best, but it really made me look at the whole issue in a new way. A woman's right to choose...
I am thankful it's a decision I have the right to make. That I have the option to choose.
But what a fucked up choice it is to have to make.
Well. That was heavy.
Here, have some cute dogs with their hair blowing in the wind...
