3 posts tagged “stereotypes”

So! A whole freakin' week later, I'm finally going to share with y'all about my experience at the FWSA's Feminism and Pop Culture conference.

Just so we're all clear, I'm not writing this to try and say FUCK YOU to the FWSA or to the speakers there. However, I am here to say Fuck You to anybody who tries to pigeon hole me and my beliefs and tells me what I can or cannot do as a feminist.

So, for all of you feminists and women out there who have been told you can't wear makeup and be a feminist, or have dirty sex if you're a feminist, or even shave your fucking legs. This is for you.

I didn't necessarily learn anything new about Feminism at the conference. However, I did learn a shit load of things about feminists.

Before I begin...I just need to make something clear. Since my original Gaping Vagina post, I've put a lot of thought into such things like stripping, and porn...things that are very much controversial subjects on their own, and especially in the feminist community.

I would just like to apologize to anyone who I've offended with that post. Not that I suddenly think that stripping or pornography are empowering...but I know that there are a lot of fabulous women out there who are a lot more, um, open about their sexuality than I, and sometimes their behaviour can be confused with being GV, when really, they're actually making informed decisions about their life and their sexuality, and it's not my place to judge them and say that I know better than them.

I'll go more into this in another post. Not to say I retract everything in my GV post, because I sure as fuck don't. I just know that I've opened my eyes a little bit, and am trying to be less judgemental about stuff.

So. I have heard lots of talk about how the older, "hardcore feminists" can be a *bit* judgemental of us third wavers, for many many reasons, (think lipstick, heels, and raunch culture) and I'm sad to report, the Feminist and Women's Studies Alliance conference confirmed whatever rumours I had heard.

I sat through an hour of pointless jabber about how women are objectified in advertising, because clearly, none of us had ever thought about that before. Or taken a fucking class about it.

But, I was trying to be open and patient of The Sisterhood...but then the woman speaking about about women in advertising said that she didn't think the"This is What a Feminist Looks Like" t-shirt campaign was "effective" because only "certain types" of women would wear that.

Certain types meaning Ashley Judd or those who are young and what society says is "pretty".

That statement really pissed me off, especially considering it came from a woman who looked like a stereotypical feminist. Sorry, but there are feminists who have short hair and don't wear makeup; that's not a secret and that's where the stereotype came from. And let's be honest, the reason she didn't think it was "effective" was because if a woman with clear characteristics of what a feminist is said to look like, and she wears that specific shirt, it wouldn't be effective, would it? It's like, "No shit you're what a feminist looks like."

However, because there is that stereotype, women of color, who are young, or old, or have long hair, or look anything other than a white, middle aged, short haired member of the upper-middle class and are  wearing a shirt that declares in big, bold letters THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE is pretty damn affective.

There's a reason everyone paid attention to Ashley Judd when she wore that shirt, because to the rest of the world, she didn't look like a feminist.

Moments after that comment was made, a rather irritatingly perky professor from the back of the room stood up and said, "I find it very discouraging that my female students read magazines and go shopping after one of my women's studies classes".

In response to the woman's *concern*, a younger feminist that was speaking about outdoor advertisement in Australia at the conference, responded by saying, ""Well, that's what I do on my lunch breaks, as well..." but she seemed to go unheard.

Unheard because a woman who was as intelligent and as well spoken as she was couldn't POSSIBLY read Marie Claire on her break.  Because that would make her one of those sheep-like idiot girls that are ruining everything, and completely cancel out what she said.

After learning about how degrading advertisements can be against women - I know, you're shocked right now aren't you! It's true! They are! - I'm sad to say, I was just a little pissed off.

I already felt as though I stood out like a sore thumb: American, probably the youngest one there, and I soon discovered, probably the most "uneducated" person in the whole conference:

I met a very nice German professor who, after asking me where I was from (to which I said "California" and then quickly realized she was expecting me to say, "Yale.") then asked me,

"So, what is your paper on?"

"My who?"

"Your paper."

"Oh. No. I don't have a paper..."

"So you're not speaking?"

"Oh no!  I'm just hear to listen! Learn! To be a sponge!...Are you speaking?"

"Oh yes, I'm doing a bllaaahh blaaaah confusing blaaaaaah speech on theory of blaaaaaaah."

"...OH!."

It then became very obvious I was in a room of academics and scholars, and was more than likely, the only person without a college degree there.

Next was presentation from the keynote speaker Pamela Church Gibson, who provided us with the most awkward and blatant disapproval of younger feminists (and perhaps any feminist that wasn't an academic or a scholar). Apparently I should "have undoubtedly heard of or read her" but because I'm an uneducated, makeup wearing FOOL of a feminist, I had no idea who she was.

I quickly learned that she is an incredibly dynamic, articulate woman, with a half thousand credentials, but who is also completely frightening. She spoke with such conviction, that it was easy to just listen to her voice or her witty jokes, and ignore the true context of what she was saying.

She also did this irritating thing where, because she's quite aware of her precence in the room and how comanding her voice is, she'd interrupt herself and say,

 "And if anyone disagrees with me, PLEASE, speak up. I would LOVE to hear from you!" And everyone would laugh, and she'd say, "No, really. I would! PLEASE DO."

aka: "I DARE YOU to disagree with! I welcome you to challenge THE POWER that is PAMELA. I will put you to SHAME, child. Shame. BRING IT! WHAT!"

Aside from using distracting clips from Mean Girls and Bring it On she used to show how Hollywood is trying to be feminist (ahahahaha), this quote from her stuck out in my mind the most:

"In Oxford, you know, where I live, I look out my window at night, and see these drunk young girls out in the streets, getting arrested. And I can't help thinking to myself, is this what I marched to Take Back The Night for? No. It's not."

While her statement wasn't meant to be harmful, I think it just reeked of her disgust for younger women, and younger  feminists. She might as well have said, "Look what you're doing with this freedom I gave you, you ungrateful cow!"

Apparently marching for freedom so women could walk freely at night without fear of rape means that we're only allowed to behave as those before us would have wished. Not that drinking until you turn into a belligerent asshole and start raving in the street about your ex and wind up getting arrested is a great idea, but I'm more than positive not everyone does that.

Granted, she did follow her statement up with, "Well, I'm not saying that you can't drink." But clearly, we're only supposed to drink as much as they say is okay. I suppose a thimble of gin and tonic is acceptable.

Was there a big, international feminist meeting where our foremothers handed out codes of dress and conduct booklets? Did I miss that?

Yet, despite all this crazy feminist talk, apparently Pamela thought it was cool to talk about the breast size of the FWSA member who introduced her, in front of the entire audience.

Now the FWSA member who introduced her was young, and blond, and yet despite her conservative sense of style, she couldn't hide the fact that she -MY GOD- had tits.

Let's face it, when you're over a B cup, it's sort of difficult to hide your breasts. And really, why the fuck should we have to disguise the fact that our we have "dirty pillows"?

When the Busty Lady mentioned something in passing about breast implants and plastic surgery, Ye Old Powerful Pamela pshawed, and said: "Oh honey, you don't need that. Trust me."

Not that the woman was saying she did need breast enhancement surgery, she was simply just talking about it. But I guess it's okay for Pamela to point out the fact that she has boobs.

'Scuse me for asking, but, like, isn't that the sort of comment that if a man made in the same context, we'd burn him at the stake?

What I found amazing, was despite hearing a woman who we're apparently all supposed to look up to, say something like that, a woman had the nerve to speak up, and quite angrily announce,

"Actually, I don't know why we're so keen on blaming that, a lady at the back of the room still  women, and making women accountable. We should be holding The Men accountable."

Yes. Because clearly, women are treating themselves and each other so well. You're right. It is just The Men's fault.

...Fuck off.

By the end of Friday's session, I was feeling more than a little preached at, and as if I should be apologizing for being born after 1970; like I should have skipped lunch and gone to Boots instead to buy some makeup remover.

Or perhaps I should be even taking it a step further, and should have started asking around for the the name of a good plastic surgeon to help me get a new, less socially acceptable face.

Bitching aside, I really do think the FWSA have truly genuine intentions.

However, for an organization that declares: "Whatever your Feminism, you'll find growing networks or dedicated researchers and activists with membership in the Feminst and Women's Studies Association" on their posters, you'd think they'd be a little less, I dunno, judgemental and preachy.

"Whatever your feminism" my ass.

 It would be one thing if it was an association exclusive to scholars or professors, but its not, and they claim to be so welcoming. Not so "elitists".

Perhaps I chose the wrong sessions to go to, or had too high of expectations. But I highly doubt it.

 I went in with an open mind, and was left feeling like I could never be feminist enough for almost all of the women in that room.

What worried me, as well, is that no one ONCE brought up abortion. Or women's rights. Or equal pay. Aren't these things a little important? How about how analyzing why these things aren't really discussed within pop culture?

But no. Let's sit around talking about Chick Lit and why Kirsten Dunst feeling about how her old cheer leading captain stole the other squad's dance moves in Bring It On represents how Hollywood warming up to feminism. Jesus. CHRIST.

While I do know that feminist scholars and academics do serve a role and are important in feminism, (or so I'm guessing) I just can't help but wonder if the money we all spent to attend the conference, eat mini-spring rolls, and sit around listening to a bunch of white women discuss obscure feminist theories, wouldn't have been more useful going to organizations like Planned Parenthood.

Instead of congratulating each other on have 5 different credentials after your name and discussing how mad Paris Hilton makes us...why not fucking DO something?

Is writing an extensive paper on a theory to get your PhD really doing something?

I'm not saying that it isn'tt...I'm just not entirely sure it is.

Yvonne Tasker, another keynote speaker, explained how the military spends unbelievable amounts of time and effort in designing the female soldiers uniforms to look just the right amount of "feminine" (read: just the right amount of tit), and I couldn't help but wonder how the second wavers seemed to have a problem with female soldiers being made to hide their curves, yet think a young feminist doing anything other than taping down her chest, and, god forbid, showing a bit of

cleavage, is exploitive.

I've heard the argument way too many times that young feminists who buy make-up, read women's magazines, and go shopping, are buying into the institutions that want to keep women in subservient roles.  As one male commenter on Dollymix said to me, "So, how is your perusal of those magazines or your shopping in those fashionable boutiques challenging that?" Wow! Excellent generalizations there, smartass!

Not all of us who "shop", are buying Dior or Kate Moss for Topshop, or are even shopping in "fashionable boutiques".

We're not obsessing in front of the mirror and telling ourselves we're ugly, just because we're putting on makeup. (Or trying to look like Barbie, for that matter.)

We're not eating salads or drinking water because we're anorexic, or throwing up our meals afterwards. I don't have gym membership because I think I'm not worthy of love, unless I'm a size 4. I do it to stay mentally and physically healthy because HEY! endorphins are good for you.

Not all of us who do things that "don't challenge women's roles", are idiots, or don't know what we're doing.

I know why I wear makeup. I know why I've dieted in the past, and I know why I've stopped. Just because many feminists my age enjoy high heels and lipstick, doesn't mean that we're not doing a TON of positive things for feminism along the way.

We're not fucking stupid, and just because we're doing something that other feminists, or men, disagree with doesn't make us wrong, and it doesn't mean that you "know better" than us.

And while I'm at it, let's talk women's magazines real fast.

Sometimes when I go to the store, I want to buy a magazine. Unfortunately , most supermarkets don't carry Bust or Bitch or How To Not Me a Bad Feminist Magazine. What do they have? Heat! Hello! Marie Claire! Cosmopolitan!

Most of the time, I'll chose Timeout, but really, if I were to buy Marie Claire, my brain isn't going to start melting, and I'm not going to suddenly stop what I'm doing, rush to the toilet and throw up my lunch because of the advertisements that *objectify women*.

I doubt other women who consider themselves feminists are doing that either.

A lot of us do know better, and rarely buy those shit piles of advertisements and lame advise known as women's magazine. But you CANNOT TELL ME that I'm killing feminism by buying one.

People and "real" feminist generalizing and saying that feminist who wear makeup, shop, and read those magazines aren't challenging the institutions that want to keep women subservient, are dead fucking wrong. Wrong because it suggests that we're just blindly going through our lives and aren't making informed decisions; wrong as it just further perpetuates female stereotypes, and stereotypes about feminists.

But I guess if we're not being subservient to the likes of Cosmopolitan and Girls Gone Wild, our only other option would be to pigeon hole ourselves and be subservient to the traditional feminist values of our foremothers and academic feminists.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The original and work friendly version of this post can be found over at Dollymix:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

A'ight Foo's.

I know you think I'm the laziest Bride in all tarnation for not mo'bloggin' my wedding, or posting pictures already...

And well, yes, you would be right.

And, all of our wedding photos are in Iain's mum's digital camera... I'll try to get some emailed to me soon so you can all stare at the magical fluff of polka dots that was my dress.

My other excuse is that, well, I haven't really felt like writing about it yet. It was lovely, and romantical, and yes, I did blubber and cry.

It was basically perfect...other than the gale force winds, my "special occasion" zits, the rain, my period, and the fact that the curling iron my mom sent me to do my hair had the wrong voltage so it was either chance it and possibly die, or have straight hair.

I had straight hair.

But, we are married. I'm "wifey" he's "hubaby" and so far we still have a sex life.

We didn't have our own soppy "You are the wind beneath my wings, and I will always love you" vows.

We walked down the aisle together to Etta James' "At Last"...

During our signing of our marriage certificate Glen Miller's "Star dust" played...And we walked out to "These Are The Days" by Sugarland.

Fuck yes, we took our "first steps as man and wife" to a country song...in England.

I'm not really sure how to do it justice and "give details"...It was really nice. It was a nice day. We had a really fun, drunk weekend in Brighton.

We had pizza on our wedding night, along with copious amounts of vodka...

Iain bought me some fucking kick ass ear muffs, and the ketchup bottle of my dreams...All in all, it was fabulous.

I just feel weird writing about our wedding. I don't have words to describe how special and memorable it was. I feel strangely private about it, almost. I haven't really talked about it...But that's kind of how I am. If I'm happy about something I like to hold it in for a while, and think, and mull it over, and treasure it and keep it private and safe.

I may never burst out with tons of details, or I may. Actually, I'm surprised at how much I've written so far, lol.

But what I can tell you how "married life" feels...

It feels THE SAME.

It's exciting to be able to call each other "husband" or say "Dude...We're married." and giggle at my new last name like we're kids faking being adults and playing house...

It feels the same as when you finally are "official" and can say "this is my totally awesome boyfriend!!" when introducing the guy you've been shagging for the past 2 months to your friends...

I don't feel like "OMFG! Finally". We didn't burst into the hotel throwing confetti with "Just Married" signs on our backs screaming "We're NEWLY-WEDS! We're in LOVE!".

I don't feel more committed. I don't feel more secure, or in love, or loved, or safer in our relationship.

At the same token I don't just think it's a piece of paper...I think it's a nice ceremony and represents a lovely idea that should be taken seriously, but not too seriously or weighed with heavy expectations that it will transform, better, or worsen your relationship.

I don't think being married makes me an "expert" or a person of superiority when it comes to the concept of marriage.

The day after we got married, Iain and I talked for a long time about the word "wife".

When I think of what being a wife means to me...I picture Iain and I through our years together, being down at the pub. Growing older and older, but still the same. Still drunk, still horny, but wiser and even closer. I think of the comical yet realistic image of me as a mother. I picture our first home.

However.

The word WIFE....

Through the media, in society, culturally, and traditionally the word WIFE has taken on a really shitty connotation.

For example....

"Do you mind if my girlfriend comes down to the pub with us?"

Sounds a lot different than....

"Do you mind if my wife comes down to the pub with us?"

From what I've experienced, none of the married men in my social circle bring their WIVES along places. You'll see girlfriends, or people that they're shagging, but not their wife?

Why is that?

"WIFE" brings up this image of the bitter ball in chain who doesn't want their husband going out with his friends a lone because she's insecure and jealous and needs to be included so he doesn't have to leave early, be on his mobile the entire time, or "get in trouble with THE WIFE" when get stumbles home...

Your girlfriend will nag, or come along and have fun...But your wife?

 WIFE?

How many times do you hear that word and words associated with it, drip with negativity, and disgust?

"Yeah, ya know, cuz THE WIFE"

"I better go, gonna hear it from THE WIFE"

"The old ball and chain"

"The Missus"

"It's probably his WIFE."

"Yeah, I don't think he can because of his WIFE."

Somewhere in the twisted roots of women being obsessed with marriage, men not wanting to get married, high divorce

rates, sexless marriages, Hera and Eve; the word 'wife' became tainted, and now doesn't seem to carry much honor or holiness in society, does it?

Of course the same can be said for marriage, but, for fuck sake I'm not getting paid to write a novel, here.

There are times when "husband" doesn't sound so great, as well...

"Oh I have to go or my husband will get mad..."

"Oh I can't, I'll have to ask my husband, first...."

But I don't think "husband" holds nearly such a negative connotation, socially and stereotypically, as the word "wife" does.

Quite frankly it pisses me off.

What's a "wife"?

Why the fuck are wives portrayed so badly?

Aside from the obvious Desperate Housewives bullshit, there are plenty of other "wife" stereotypes that are portrayed in the media, and pushed upon women in real life scenarios.

You have the "frumpy, dowdy wife" that wants her husband to stay home more, and be there for the kids, even though she doesn't really love him.

The "Mommy wife" who just cares about her children, the PTA, and wants a passionless, picture perfect marriage. This would be the same stereotypical wife that is too perfect and "motherly" to have sex with, and therefore the husband has no choice but to have an affair.

Then there's the "slutty wife" -or WILF- who cheats and fucks all of her hubby's friends...

Or the "gold digging wife".

The "corporate wife".

The "trophy wife".

The "pregnant all the time with 7 kids wife".

.The women of my generation idolize the Carrie Bradshaws and Bridget Joneses of the world....

Single girls who are FABULOUS at being single and hopeless at relationships. They're funny and look good...Why, they're just like us!

But society and the media fail to address the question of:

Can you be fabulous when you're no longer a girlfriend, but a WIFE?

Where is our healthy, intelligent, Carrie Bradshaw-esque, happily married wife?

...No where.

That doesn't make good television, tabloids, or stories. She's boring. What's exciting about that?

Nope. We need XTREME WIVES!

Jessica Simpson! (divorced and stoopid)

Britney Spears! (perpetually knocked up, married to a losah, and now divorced.)

Victoria Beckham! (WAG. 'Too Posh To Push'. Surgically enhanced, talentless, twig of a woman who doesn't appear to have a motherly bone in her fragile, frigid, frame.)

And do I really need to go into what's wrong with Desperate Housewives? (The TV show people, oy. I'm not going there again.)

No WONDER every one on my friends (except my one married friend) have such a fucking ugly idea of what marriage is. I'm not claiming to know, as I haven't been married a week, but FUCK there are no examples??!??

I used to think marriage was the stupidest concept in the world. And according to the impressions society gives us about being a "wife"...Why would we want to go and ruin our lives with all that?

There are some great examples of kick ass Moms out there...Like Heather and Kristen....

But wives that don't have children, but are happy, fulfilled, and in a healthy, loving relationship?

Uuuuhhhhmmmm....They must exist? Why can I not think of any?

I refuse to let the negative "wife" connotations ruin my ideas of what being a wife means.

I believe it takes more than one person to change a stereotype. However, I'm going to bust my ass to bring "wifey" back.

Yeah, I'll be the lone wife at the pub. The lone wife in my social group....

But for fuck sake, Iain and I are going to prove that wife CAN and IS a good word.

It is a word to be proud of... 

And as a former marriage/wife hater I'm realizing that you can change your own rules by not being intimidated by labels or doing something that can be brushed aside by others as "selling out" or "buying in" to something.

I am a wife. I am married. I have a husband.

I am not a stereotype. I am not defined by a label.

I don't cook because I don't enjoy it yet, and my husband likes to. I make choices based on my personal morals or beliefs, not through fear that the choice I'm making will not align with the traditional guidelines of a label I have branded myself with.

I am wife, hear me burp.

Hi y'all!

Really, I'll have a less "fluffy" post tomorrow...But until then I'm swimming in the excitement and glory or personalized banners and VOX GROUPS.

I started my own little group here: The Anti GV Movement.

I've sent out some invites, but it's hard to know who is who without your cute little pictures next to your name....

It's public, whoever would like to join is welcome! Any posts or photos you have that are relevant, no matter how far back they go in your archives, add it to the group!

Wooop!