2 posts tagged “self-esteem”

The common argument I hear against "ranty", argumentative, bitchy feminists who rage about things such as "The Patriarchy", is that they're basically complaining about nothing. Or rather, they don't have the right to complain about "those sorts of things" because we "really don't have it that bad".

We don't have it "that bad" because we're not living in Africa, Darfur, or the Middle East.

We don't have it that bad because we're a bunch of white/privileged/upper-middle class/rich/American women, living in Western Civilizations.

We're not made to wear Burqas. We are not arrested in nightclubs for wearing a shirt that reveals our back. We don't acid thrown on us like the women we see on Oprah. We're not those women.

We can go to college. We can marry whoever we want. We can work wherever we want. We can get a divorce. We can go on the pill. We can make our own money, and wear what we want...

So we should just shut the fuck up, and stop crying into our Manolos. It's NOT THAT BAD.

I'm sorry, but this argument is fucked. Royally.

Basically, this argument just says to women, "Well, you're not struck by poverty and horrible living conditions, and you're not being raped in the jungle, so really, what the hell have you got to complain about?"

I am by no means saying that I don't have it "better" than the women in Africa and The Middle East who don't have nearly as many freedoms as I do. I think some of their living conditions and daily experiences are horrific and incredibly saddening. And at the same time I feel bad for even saying that I find their way of life "horrific" because really, some of the things we, as Western Women, find "horrific" are traditions, religions, and a heavy part of another woman's culture.

But, just how politically I don't think it's necessarily best for the Western Civilizations to bomb around telling everyone that their governments should look just like ours and function just like ours...I don't think its necessarily right to tell all other women that their religion is completely fucked, and that their lives should look just like ours.

We're all very aware of the fact that as Americans or Canadians or Europeans, our lives are freer, safer, and cleaner than the women in less fortunate situations. We know that.

But I don't think we should just shut up and love where we are because it's not as bad as elsewhere. That's like telling a woman who's husband tells her she's a fat, stupid bitch every night, that she shouldn't really complain, because at least he doesn't hit her.

When it's bad, it's bad. I don't are what level of bad you're at, once you've entered the threshold of "bad", you're in there. Sadness is sadness, no matter how deep.

Therefore, as women in the more "privileged countries",  just because we've been told we can be whoever we want to be, and do whatever we want to do...doesn't exactly mean that things are peachy fucking keen.

So please don't tell me that "We've never had it so good!" and that "You've come a long way, baby!"

Try telling that to the MILLIONS of women at this very moment, shoving their delicately manicured fingers down their throats and vomiting up their lunch.

When we clearly have an entire society built on women constantly having to improve themselves, slim down, shape up, "get a beach gorgeous bod", slice themselves open, or starve themselves skeletal, forgive me if I don't really feel like MY GOD, we have come SUCH A LONG WAY!

I mean, I can vote, why should I still have a problem!

It makes me angry, that's why I rant. And I can't help but wonder if the people who are telling us to shut up and to enjoy the freedoms that we've got, are the same people that benefit from us keeping quiet.

The women who want us to shut up because "it's not that bad" benefit from being where they are: on top. They've fought and clawed their way to the top. They've battled the patriarchy and are sitting pretty. And what's that? A bunch of younger women complaining that it's not good enough? Saying that the women on top aren't high enough, and are busy clawing their way to your post - if not higher? My god! Why WOULDN'T they want us to shut up? We might prove them wrong, be better,  perhaps even more liberated.

I think the most prevelant example of why things are a lot worse than they seem is in Courtney E Martin's book, Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. She writes about how the women heard "you have to do everything" when our parent's told us "you can do anything". We are perfectionists, and really, I can't think of a single women I know who isn't.

They may not call themselves that, as the word "perfectionist" sounds almost as dirty as  "feminist", but the things that are inside of me -never feeling good enough, desperate need for approval, fear of failing, self-hate, etc- manifest themselves in my daily life in the form of control and perfectionism.

The same traits, even if its just one, exist in many, many women. Too many. Dare I even say millions. They may manifest themselves in other women in different ways aside from perfectionism: eating disorders, depression, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, insomnia, "food issues", distorted body image, etc...Or, they may have all of the imaginable above. It just depends.

As Martin puts it, there's a "starving daughter" in far too many of us; the starving daughter that constantly, unforgivably, reminds us that we're not perfect:

"[We] are full of self doubt. We don't want to worry so much about making other people happy but feel like we can never say thank you enough times, never show enough humility, never help enough, never feel enough shame. We feel guilty. we fear conflict. We are dramatic, sensitive, injured easily. we are clinging to all kinds of attachments that , in our minds, we know we should let go of, but in our bodies, we feel incapable of relinquishing. We are self-pitying, sad, even depressed. We are tired of trying so hard all the time."

Does this hit uncomfortably home for anyone else?

Maybe my views on feminism and women are warped. Maybe I think I am more like other women than I really am. Maybe I am just in line with the fucked up few who feel like this, or partly like this...

But I highly doubt that I am. THIS is what is wrong with our society, and with the brilliant, talented, beautiful young women who EVERY DAY tell themselves that they aren't beautiful enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. Or perfect enough to be worthy for your love, praise, and attention.

The Guardian ran a piece a couple months ago called "We've never had it so good" where Louise Carpenter talked the women of today who are "unburdened by responsibility" and "are experiencing true economic, emotional and sexual freedom". Though she admits her research was "hardly scientific, nor was it socially or economically comprehensive, since I concentrated mainly on women with degrees" she quickly dismisses the impact that has on her findings: "nevertheless it revealed something quite startling".

The only thing I felt was "startling" about her findings were the women she interviewed that clearly lived in some sort of obscure fucked-up Candy Land.

She interviewed women who are all going to universities, all have between "£500 - £1,000" free spending money a month (because THAT'S so normal) and who clearly haven't slummed it any way shape or form at any point in their lives.

Are these the sort of women who are going to complain about the injustices in our society? Um, no. They're the perfect examples of why we shouldn't complain, and they have all the right answers to prove it:

"Intelligence and humour were considered overall more important than looks. They all articulated the importance of feeling sexy over looking sexy, although they made the connection between the two. All thought the size-zero issue was ridiculous and had only vaguely dieted (although none, interestingly, were above a size 12 and most were a 10). Cosmetic surgery was not seen as a real option although I got the impression 'work' for a few of them might at some stage incorporate Botox."

See? Perfect! Those are the girls who are "too good" to get eating disorders. They know better than that, right? One girl in the interview admitted to needing therapy halfway through college because the pressure go to be too much, but that was easily brushed over with more praise and statistics proving that girl power has prevailed, and that since all these women were doing so well, what's the point of feminism?

The more I read through this article the more the women she was interviewing sounded like the Stepford Girls:

"There's no doubt that there is now more pressure than ever to succeed,' il: 'At school and university, it was no longer enough to simply be academically successful.The twentysomething women I know aren't bothered about old-style feminism. We're not interested in trying to feel "empowered", partly because we see ourselves as equal to men now: we can work, vote, sleep around, all without anyone barely batting an eyelid."

REALLY? You can sleep around without anyone barely batting an eyelid? Who do you know? Where are these people? And what fucking drugs are you on??

I love the "we're not interested in feeling empowered" bit. I wonder why she feels that there is so much pressure on her, and what she does and thinks behind closed doors. Where does that pressure come from? Hmmmm sister? Probably just from yourself. And I wonder what she would say if she was asked if she thought her male counterparts had to work as hard as she did?

"In some ways that's liberating, but at the same time it's as if we've become suffocated by choice: we have nothing to complain about and nothing left to fight for. We don't have to get married to survive, and if we do we can get divorced if it doesn't work out how we hoped. Men now take a substantial share of domestic responsibility and much more of a role in child-rearing. My career choices as a woman starting out on the ladder are endless."

Yup! You're right. Everything is just PERFECT HERE. This girl has it all figured out. I'm just wondering what society it is that she lives in because I think that there are PLENTY of people that would disagree with her.

Oh, but then we have the statistics to show us that SEE? Women are doing so well! Never mind that we're fucking killing ourselves to get there, by god,  just look at our dazzling statistics!

33 is the average age for women to get married. Twenty years ago, it was 26.

(Thank god. Marriage rots your brain.)

3x- likelihood of British men to commit suicide, as compared with women.

(Great! We're killing ourselves less! That's swell!)

26 is the average age for women to have children. In 1971 it was 23.

(Thank god. Babies rot your brain. Plus, who has time to have babies? You're too busy BEING PERFECT.)

40% of professional jobs in UK are held by women.

(FORTY??? FORTY PERCENT??? Yeah. That's definitely something TO FUCKING CELEBRATE. Way to look at the glass half full, bitch.)

20% of young women break the government's alcohol limits.

(Well thank god. There's nothing worse than young women drinking more than a pint of cider. They get out. of. control.)

Carpenter closes her article by saying, "The future is bright and it is female. Maybe it is the poor, confused young men we should be worried about."

She's just wrong on so many levels, it hurts me.

Maybe there is a group of delusional women *cough CAITLIN FLANAGAN cough* who wander around pretending that things are swell and we can do whatever we want whilst those other women of the world starve themselves, throw up their food, check themselves in and out of therapy, and continue to feel disgusted with themselves for not being perfect...but I'm sure as fuck not one of them.

And I doubt I'm alone on this one. The political IS the personal. If the US government chipping away at women's right to control their bodies doesn't scare you, it should. If you think the situation of "the blonde girl with big tits and a small IQ getting promoted before you" doesn't exist, think again. Because it sure as fuck does.

Abortion is a real issue. Body image is a real issue. Perfectionism and depression exist, and they don't just happen to weak, broken girls. Rape doesn't just happen in Darfur and in Lifetime movies.

You can continue to hide under your Kate Moss for Topshop dress and pretend it doesn't, and pretend that feminism is unneeded and unwanted, and continue to tell us that we don't have it that bad...

But while you're doing that, we'll continue to rant, and rage, and act, and write, and Bitch and Bust about it until you can't ignore us any more.

I am a young, privileged, white American woman. I am intelligent. I have a loving husband. I have a wonderful home. I have a family that loves me. I am beautiful. I am thin. I have and make my own money. I do what I love for a living...

I have a depressive disorder that I will carry the rest of my life. I have been sexually harassed. I have been emotionally abused. I have been in unhealthy relationships. In my short lifetime, I have made myself throw up food. I have a self-inflicted scar on my left wrist.  I have been to therapy, and probably will go again in the future. I have body image issues. I have issues with food. 

Because of all this, I know that feminism is important.

I know that from the outside looking in, I shouldn't have a worry in the world. But on the inside looking out, I feel my pain. I can see pain in other women.

And that is why I rage. Because I am beautiful, and I so want to believe that. I have to know that one day I can say that, and mean it. Mean every single letter. And until then, I will fight. And I will continue fighting until I know that every little girl and every young woman and every old woman can say it and mean it too.

If that's not something to fight for, I don't know what is.

The British Fashion Council has refused to ban the use of 'Size 0' models in London's Fashion Week.

Instead, they have requested that all designers use "healthy models" ages 16 and over...

(Because clearly fashion designers have a tight grip on what healthy looks like...)

Recently, Brazilian supermodel, Gisele Bundchen, claims that she has never suffered from anorexia because she "had a very strong family base" and that "The parents are responsible, not fashion."

Never mind that in the past month 3 women from Brazil have died from this disease, including 21 year old fashion model Ana Caolina Reston.

Fuck you, Gisele.

I'd say "Fuck You" to the British Fashion Council but I'd doubt they'd hear me as their heads are probably stuffed a toilet regurgitating their Sunday Roasts, or busy snorting coke off of Kate Moss' ribs.

Plus, the owner of Topshop -Sir Phillip Green- has pretty much given a big FUCK YOU to the BFC by taking some fucking responsibility by banning "waif" models:

"We all know what the definition of unhealthy is and we want to try to act correctly, responsibly and without causing a rift. Everyone wants to see people being healthy and we have got lots of good-looking girls who can be a healthy weight and look great."

Now, while it's great that a male owned fashion company is saying it wants to use "healthy" models and their website models don't look shockingly emaciated, they're certainly not exactly screaming,"LOOK I'M HEALTHY! I EAT!"

But still. At least his chickpea sized testicles had enough oomph  to set an good example. Or, if nothing else, a PC PR move.

And Gisele? Oh please. PLEASE.

Look, I'm glad that she had such a sweet, and sugary home life and that her family apparently loved her enough to prevent her from feeling like she needed to starve herself.

What the fuck was that comment supposed to mean?

Does that mean that all those poor girls who feel so disgusted and horrible about themselves that the only way they can cope is to indirectly address their problems by depriving and starving themselves, should blame their parents for not loving them enough, or the "right way"?

Parents have a massive, colossal responsibility to educate, nurture their children. I agree whole heartedly and will thoroughly acknowledge that in a moment...

But PLEASE do not tell me, Gisele, that it is only PARENTS to blame for the GLOBAL issue of poor body image, low self-esteem, and eating disorders amongst young women and girls.

NOT FASHION?

If it's not fashion, than it's not fashion magazines, either, I suppose. It's not ads, or commercials. It's not TV. It's not movies. It's not lingerie catalogues. It's not runway shoes. It's just the parents fault.

Ummmm.....

Remember that whole Parental Advisory thing? Apparently, society, and the government think that certain types of media can be harmful to children, despite having a "strong family base".That sticker means that the music industry, despite it being forced, are still helping out parents by saying "Dude, you may not want your 13 year old son listening to this."

Globally, the film industry admits "Yeah, sure. We'll help a brother out" and rates it's movies, giving parents a heads up that "This gay love scene between 2 sexually frustrated cowboys may not be suitable for your 9 year old."

Holy crap, Gisele. Even TELEVISION agrees that parents, despite loving their children and doing their gosh darndest to raise their kids in a way that would cause them to not want to starve themselves to death, need some help and therefore RATE THEIR TELEVISION SHOWS to guide parents on which programs are appropriate for children.

The UK even has this nifty little thing called the ITCwhich even helps monitor which adverts should be played at certain times; the more 'family friendly' adverts playing during when children are more likely to be watching.

Oh yeah. Even video games have a rating system, as some language, themes, and violent scenes may be too intense for youngins.

So, on the whole, some of the biggest media outlets agree that their music/programs/films/games/advertisements contain content that could possibly be inappropriate and damaging to children.

While all of these sources of media cannot be made, for the most part, to remove this material -freedom of speech, etc- it is their legal, and some would say, social responsibility to warn parents and consumers that it contains such material.

There are absolutely times when parents need to take full responsibility for their children's actions, but choose to blame "the media", instead. (For example, the parents blaming Marilyn Manson for the Columbine murders.)

Globally, parents and consumers alike have agreed there are things in the media that can distort, alter, confuse, and even damage children.

Kids stab each other because they "saw it on Power Rangers". They accidentally shoot someone because they played a violent video game and didn't understand people die. They jump off the roof into a swimming pool and light themselves on fire because Johnny Knoxville did it.

We all cried out, "Where were the parents??!!" and "Why is this crap even on TV?"

It seems those in power are taking responsibility, as I've mentioned above, are trying to limit the amount of inappropriate sex, drugs, violence, and harsh language that children are exposed to.

However, how many girls need to die while trying to achieve the standards of beauty that they have learned from the exact some media outlets?

We have a global issue on our hands.

We have millions, and millions of women and girls all over the world who think they're ugly, and fat, and worthless, and disgusting, and are slowly killing themselves to try to obtain this unobtainable, western, media/fashion created image of "beauty".

Again, I agree that parenting has a HUGE impact on this, but where does this image come from?

OH. Fashion. Fashion Magazines. Movies. TV. Ads. Commercials. Even music.

The ONE issue that no body seems to want to touch, or take responsibility for is their influence on young girl's body image, and self-esteem.

Models, fashion agencies, fashion editors, designers, directors have all defended their use of skinny ass, unrealistic looking women by excusing it the problem away.

Models are just skinny. They're supposed to be, right?

Gisele says, "Everybody knows the standard for models is to be thin."

Right. Well, does everybody also know that in 1998, just 3 years after US television shows were introduced to Fiji, 12 out of 100 girls had bulimia?**

Did you know 70% of all 9 year olds are dieting?

Does everybody know that 90% of all women overestimate their body size by an average of 25%, and that 40% of all women see at least one body part as being 50% larger than it really is.

And WHY is this?

If someone says, "My thighs are big..." They're big compared to...what?

"My legs aren't supposed to look like this."....Why?

"My breasts are too small?"....Small compared to what?

You're "FAT"?....Fat compared to what??

The WHAT and the WHY are the images, the air brushed, starved, entourage created, digitally altered, surgically enhanced, UNREALISTIC, unobtainable, projection of what beauty is supposed to look like that we are bombarded with from every single media outlet across the world.

Our entire basis of what sexy, attractive, beautiful, pretty, hot, cute, and fuckable are, is based on what FASHION and MEDIA tell us it's based on. It always has.

But when is enough, enough?

Are the fashion industries really that disgusting that instead of taking responsibility, they will just pass the blame on bad parenting, and pick money and endorsements and playing nice with designers OVER the health of women?

I believe that the Fashion industry won't take any responsibility for these issues as their situation is a bit more unique than any other media outlet's. It's not as simple as just issuing a ratings system, is it?

What are they going to do? Make a "This magazine may cause images that will negatively influence your daughter's self image and greatly increases her chances of developing an eating disorder" sticker for every issue of Vogue?

That's not going to happen. Therefore the body image and beauty standards of the western world, that are poisoning the rest of the globe, need to CHANGE.

Where is the fucking responsibility?

Why will no one stand up? While will no one change? Why, are these poor, hurting girls allowed to feel ugly, and fat, and disgusting and unloved, and have no one in power speak up and MAKE A CHANGE?!!?

Why is it that 76% of UK women, and 59% of all US women feel that it is hard to feel personally beautiful when confronted with the media's ideals of beauty??

This is beyond the typical bulimic ballerina, the anorexic models, and the workout crazy fashionistas.

This is YOUR DAUGHTER.

This is YOU..

And this is even me.

I do not have an eating disorder..but, I don't think anyone can honestly say that they don't wish they were thinner, or lighter, or bigger busted.

It's not just "Oh the grass is always greener" or "Of course, everyone wants to change something about their body" or "just a woman thing".

Our minds are poisoned with an image of what women are SUPPOSED to be and look like.

How many times have I thought to myself, "My ass shouldn't look like this...I'm not supposed to have cellulite there...No one else has breasts shaped like this, do they?...Are my hips supposed to look like that in jeans?"

It all starts very young.

As young girls, when our bodies are changing and stretching, we're afraid. We're fragile. Is this supposed to be happening this way?

So we look for examples, we look for support, we look for validation that we are beautiful, just as we are.

And it gets to a point that we don't believe our mothers, anymore...They're our MOTHERS, they're SUPPOSED to think we're beautiful!

So, what else is there?

Hello, Media. Hello, Fashion World. Hello EVERY SINGLE MAGAZINE COVER, TV SHOW AND MOVIE.

No one else has hips like mine. No one else seems to have fat on their body like this....

I'm fat.

I don't look like I'm supposed to look. I'm not beautiful. I'm not loveable. I'm not worthy.

I am disgusted and ashamed to admit that growing up I would cry, and cry because I felt fat. The first time I remember thinking I was "too big" was when I was 12, and was just starting to reach puberty. I was embarrassed of my thighs...AT 12.

I remember dieting for the first time at 14...

I had low self esteem, my parents divorce to live with, and depression that either caused, or stemmed from all of this..I've never had an eating disorder...But my body image has been FUCKED UP.

I'm just now learning to love myself, and love my body. Really love my body. To look in the mirror and instead of saying "I know I'm pretty, but I just have these floppy bits..."  to just look, and like what I see without beating myself up over some aspect of my appearance that isn't as it "should be".

I am learning to appreciate my own REAL BEAUTY.

And this brings me to Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty.

I am so grateful, moved even, that finally...Finally we have people out there who are willing to DO SOMETHING about this horrible psychological epidemic that is killing young women all over the world.

A company that puts beautiful, gorgeous, real women out in the open.

Tattooed, scared, curvy, "imperfect" women who are real. And gorgeous....And that can help lift the shame.

Lift the shame that we all feel for not looking like the "ideal women" should.

I feel that there are hardly any causes greater than the need to improve the self-esteem, self-worth, and mental health of young women out there than this.

What reason do we have to not be passionate and proactive about this?

The depression, self-esteem issues, eating disorders, and psychological disorders that so many girls and women suffer from do not just develop from thin air.

I firmly believe young girls and boys desperately need their parents to set a positive standard for them. They need to feel loved, and nurtured, and intelligent, beautiful, unique, and worthy of love.

Dove is launching a program/workshop in the UK called "Body Talk" to "help young girls (and boys) understand and deal with feelings about their physical appearance, and learn how 'ideal' images of beauty are created".

They also emphasize the importance of positive role models for young women, and that they need positive self-esteem boosts BEFORE it ever occurs to them to think otherwise...

They even have a "Mums and Daughters" booklet that answers questions and gives advice to Mums (or other parental figures) on how to handle tough situations regarding self-esteem and body image, and also gives advice on how to set a postive example and encourage their daughter's self-esteem.

There are extreme cases where mothers or parents have been very harsh critics, negative, and sometimes deadly influences on their daughter's self-esteem.

Parents need to realize that their daughter is or will very soon be faced with these negative influences on their body image.

We need our parents. We need our mothers, we need other women to reach out to us BEFORE it ever crosses our mind that we need to be thin or big breasted or tiny to be worthy of love. We need to complimented, and receive attention for things other than just 'looking good' or being 'thin and pretty'.

I believe a lot of mothers need help on how to deal with their daughter's self-esteem, as many mothers (or parental figures) have/are still suffering from poor body image, and low self-esteem.

Real beauty...

Doesn't that just sound good?

Isn't it nice to say "curvy" and not have it be social code for "fat"? Curvy is beautiful, curves are beautiful.

We need to embrace health. As a society, I don't think we understand what "healthy" even means any more.

We're afraid of fat, we're afraid of eating fat...You're either a health freak, or a couch potato....

Where is the happy medium between being obese, anorexic, and being miserable that we our bodies are not how we think they should look?

The entire world needs to relearn what the world "healthy" really means.

And we need to open our eyes, and look at the real world, and discover that real, tangible beauty is all around....

I'm not condemning those who are thin and beautiful.

There are so many beautiful girls that are just naturally thin and tall. Just like there are many, many beautiful girls who are shorter that 5'8 and weigh plenty more than 115lbs.

 I'm not saying that  those of us, like myself, who are struggling with their body image must be ignorant or suffer from an eating disorder...We're trying to learn how to be healthy, and have a healthy body image.

We need to learn and acknowledge that we can still be BEAUTIFUL even despite having gained weight, or going up a jeans size...as long as you're HEALTHY.

Whoever said that healthy wasn't having any fat on your body? Having a perfectly toned ass?

Healthy doesn't mean that you're lean and trim. Healthy doesn't mean THIN.

At my thinnest, I was also my most unhealthy.

 I was smoking, barely eating, barely sleeping, and living off of taco bell quesedillas, espresso, tea, and day old Starbucks pastries.

Healthy is beautiful. Happy is beautiful.

There is nothing wrong with being "bigger" as long as your health is not in serious risk, and you are HAPPY.

There is nothing wrong with being curvy. Or having a "muffin top", or cellulite, or stretch marks, or wonky tits.

Just look at Tyra Banks.

She's been criticized for gaining 30lbs since she stopped modelling. She's being called fat.

TYRA BANKS is being called FAT.

She is an ambitious, beautiful, intelligent woman who is NOT fat. She is curvy, she is not emaciated, she does not have a perfect stomach, or a perfect face, or a size 6 ass....

She is a real beauty. A real woman. SHE is a woman to look up to and idolize.

This subject is huge, and complex, and upsetting. To get out all of my feelings on this subject, I would probably have to write for a year without stopping. (I have wireless, that may be possible..)

The Dove videos, you've probably already seen them...but please watch them again.

There are moments where I just want to weep...because they're just real. They're honest.

I cannot preach about how to feel better about yourself, as I am a women who is still learning.

I can only share what I've learned.

But this is the most important journey of my life. To truly love and be confident with my mind and body...There is no greater journey, really.

Before we can cleanse the world of stereotypes and prejudices, and unobtainable body images, we first need to cleanse ourselves.

I'm starting with me.

May you do the same...and so on, and so forth.

 

**All statistics can be found on Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty website.