3 posts tagged “passion”
Politics has always be en one of those things that I've shied away from.
I was still in high school when this war started. I was only 16 when the Twin Towers fell.
I knew I was angry. I knew I felt sick to my stomach what was happening. All of the sudden that crap that went on in the mystical, frightening "middle east" was on our soil. I didn't understand it, and mostly, I think I still don't understand it.
In 2001, I was thankful that George Bush was our President. He was our savior. Our cowboy. He stood in front of us all, and said that he'd get the bastards that did this to us. To our people. To New York. To all of us. I wore MIA dog tags for a missing New York firefighter. His name was Peter Lagone. My mom wore one with his brother's name on it, Thomas Lagone.
In my simple, young mind, I though that we should just trust the President. I was angry, we were all angry. Bomb the bastards. I truly felt that way. Bomb them. They can't touch us. Better them than us.
We went to Afghanistan. The Taliban. Osama Bin Laden.
Then, almost two years later, I remember sitting in my Economics class, and our teacher turned on the TV so we could all watch the Shock & Awe. The song "Bombs Over Baghdad" popped in my head. The bright, lime green flashes of light reminded me of when I was 5, watching what was happening in the Golf War.
I tried not to think of the people that were dying in all the fireworks. Then the bell rang and I was over it. We walked out of the classroom, more concerned with how many credits we needed to make up so we could graduate.
When I was 18 I registered as a Repuiblican at the same time I signed the petition to get Gray Davis out of office...outside of a Target.
After we had been in Iraq for over a year, and it became clear that maybe there weren't those WMDs after all, I became a little suspicious.
We were at war. I wasn't quite sure why anymore. The anger I felt because of 9/11 had faded away. I supported the troops. I knew that much. It wasn't their fault, they were doing their job.
Come 2004, it was time to vote for Bush or Kerry. I felt like we needed to be out of Iraq. However, Kerry was a jackass. Edwards seemed like an overpaid weather man with bad hair. When they spoke, I didn't believe them. Was it the Republican in me that hated them, or did I just not trust them?
I voted for Bush. I voted for him on the notion that this was his mess, his war, and he was going to have to fucking clean it up. I didn't want Jackass and Weatherman coming into office with their fake hair and lies, and try to clean up something that was far greater, and had far more secrets than they knew about.
Slowly I really began to wonder about Bush. The troops. Rumsfeld. I got tired of being a Republican.
I think was really did it for me was the gay marriage issue. How in the fucking world did they not see that denying gay people the right to marriage was unconstitutional? It still blows my mind. How, HOW do you DENY someone ANYTHING because of WHO THEY LOVE? Do you really care THAT MUCH where someone's dick goes? How they get off? Who they cuddle up to at night?
And why do you care about that?? OH. That's right. Some mythical guy who can turn water into wine and wore Birkenstocks. Sure, he was a lovely guy, but I thought he taught people about love, and peace. And I'm also pretty sure that old ass book that tells you one man is not suppose to lay next to (or in) another man is just that: OLD AS FUCK.
Don't talk to me about being Green and Global Warming and tell me that the "state of the union is strong" and expect me to take you seriously when you still tell people who they can and can't fuck. Or try to tell me what I can or can't do with my uterus.
I eventually registered as "Decline To State".
After moving to London, and after really getting involved and realizing how much I cared about feminism, and just equality for everyone (except stupid people) I realized what a fucked up mess all this Republican, Democrat, Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter bulllllshit is.
On my way home from the fucked up Feminism conference I went to in Newcastle, I started really thinking about politics. I was on fire. I didn't agree with everything those hardcore, ridiculously hardcore feminist said...but I knew one thing. We need a change.
Desperately, desperately need a change.
I walked into a bookstore at the Newcastle train station. I looked for any magazine or book that wasn't about Britney Spears or the confessions of a hooker...and then I saw Hillary Clinton's smug little smile staring at me from across the aisle.
Growing up, I was taught to hate Bill Clinton, and to hate Hillary even more. I remember thinking that he was slime after the whole Lewinsky, cigar incident, and thinking that Hillary was a moron for staying with him. Now, I realize that I don't give a shit. I don't care about who people fuck or what their relationship is like. I think in politics people tend to care too much about that stuff. ("I FUCK MY WIFE!"...5:45 in the video. The rest of is is Bill Maher being a misogynist asshole.)
I started to read Hillary's book, and realized that she was much more human than everyone thinks. I read about her family, how she grew up, her time in law school. I read about her views on Medicare, and how involved she was in Bill's presidency. I'll be honest and say I haven't finished it, I'm about half way through Bill's first term, but I had read enough to know I believed in Hillary.
I decided to vote for her back in July.
I had to ask myself if I wanted to vote for her because she was a woman, or because I thought she would be the right person for the job. The answer is both. As I said before, we need a change. A big one. It's absolutely RIDICULOUS that we haven't had a female leader yet. Hillary is the closest we're going to get for a very long time, and I know that she's the right person for the job. I feel it in my bones.
On the contrary, if Condi Rice was running, I would NOT vote for her. Yes, she's a woman. No, I don't think she's right for the job. But, you probably just think I'm racist, and that's why I'd chose not to vote for her, right?
My politics have changed dramatically., but I changed them on my own. There are things that I care very much about. I care very much about womens rights, and you know there's no way in HELL Hillary is going to reverse Roe vs Wade.
I know she made some lame voting decisions in the Senate. I've been told everything about Hillary from the fact that she's a criminal and a fake, to a communist. For the record, I'm not a moron. I know politicians are dirty, and I don't expect any less than that from the Clintons. They've probably killed people and hid their bodies somewhere at Camp David. To be honest, I don't care. I suppose this even gives them street cred. Maybe they even have their own gang signs.
I've been told Bill Clinton was a horrible president, granted I was very young while he was in power, but I don't recall any wars, any drastic financial crisis...only a stain on a blue dress.
At the end of the day, I trust that Hillary is going to go in there and kick ass. It's the best of both worlds for me, she's going to tackle the issues I care about (universal health care, civil unions -not the same as gay marriage I KNOW-, getting our troops out of Iraq, stem cell research) and she'll be breaking the highest glass ceiling there is by doing it.
I'm sure Obama's a great guy. I'm sure he's a great politician. I'm sure he'd probably do well as the President. But just not now. Not where our country is at the moment.
I've seen him talk, and I just don't believe him. I don't get excited by what he has to say, or how he says it. Call me stupid, but I need to feel something when someone who wants my vote talks to me. Obama talks...I feel nothing.
On the contrary, when Hillary talks I get goose bumps. I get excited. I BECOME SEXUALLY AROUSED at the thought of her giving a State of the Union speech.
I suppose the bottom line for me, is that I've made up my mind who I want to be my President.
I don't feel the need to swap statistics, or voting histories, or secret facts with you. I don't want to hear about some book that was written that proves why Hillary is a commie or why Obama is inexperienced. I don't care. In politics, I really don't believe there is any truth. I don't take anything for fact. I go with my gut, and take in as much information as I can understand, and try to form an opinion about something, which I feel is as close to the truth as I can get.
This is why I am voting for Hillary Clinton in 2008.
This is why I'm Decline To State.
I am not Democrat. I am not Republican.
I am simply an American, who has seen and experienced how the rest of the world sees us. It's not pretty, at the moment. We're in a bit of a mess. We need a clean up crew. We need a change.
We need some ovaries. Women get shit done.
I'm feeling pretty feisty lately. Pretty fired up...although I have to admit that the fired up-ness tends to fade in and out of me staring blankly at the wall and/or searching for a bag to breathe in.
I'm guessing if you carry a bottle of Kalms around with you, it's not necessarily a good sign.
However, on Friday morning I had what some would call an epiphany...or an "aha!" moment if you're big on the Oprah. I realized that the old "everything happens for a reason" philosophy doesn't just come and go. It's a constant and just a case of whether or not your eyes are open.
The magical threads that direct you on the correct path and bind you to those who will eventually play a bigger role in your life may be hard to see while your in the middle of a shit storm...but if you put on some protective goggles and manage to stop crying for two seconds, chances are things will become drastically, WONDROUSLY clear.
I realized that whatever struggles I'm going through at the moment, they're not that different from the struggles I had a couple years ago. While I've changed and grown and become much more resilient - the general attitudes, hangups, and judgements of most people have stayed the same. The more comfortable I become with my choices, my convictions and myself, the more disruptive I become to those who are not.
For example, a few years ago, a wise woman once told me that everyone I knew was trying to make me into something I wasn't. She said I could stay in the situation I was in, with everyone making me feel like I was a horrible person for not being what they wanted - and with me beating myself up for not being what they wanted - or I could break away...
I wrote about this on my first blog (on MySpace *cringe*), way back on the 7th of Otober, 2005:
I find it fascinating that I'm essentially in the same situation I was two years ago: people expecting me to be something other than I am, and making me feel like I'm the crazy person for being the way I am."I'd just like to meet someone who has passion, and is infinitely interesting. Who doesn't expect me to try to mold, break, and rebuild myself to try to fit into a world, lifestyle, and existence that I'm just not meant to fit in."
"I am shaped like a star, therefore I will not fit in the square shaped lifestyle that everyone trying to lead me to."
I'm not perfect. It took me a bit longer than I'd like to admit to realize just how sneaky people about trying to make you feel like you're the nutter. Like you're the asshole for not just doing what they say and not asking any questions.
However, I've come to realize that I'm not just going to shut the fuck up just because certain people want me to. In fact, I think the stupidest thing anyone could ever tell me to do is shut up.
You simply do not tell me to shut up.
I'm not just going to be passionate and fiery when it suits you. You can not just flip my "Give A Shit" switch on and off like a fucking toy. My Bitch card doesn't just get played when you're on my team. It's always on the table, and I'll play it every god damn hand if I so please.
Would it be easier for me to just shut up and pretend like everyone knows better than I do?
Would my life be smoother if I moulded and broke myself into each and every shape someone expected me to be?
Yes, I'm sure things would be all smooth and easy and peachy if I were to just shut up.
But fuck that.
I didn't get where I am today by keeping quiet and cruising along through life trying desperately to not leave a wake.
The only way I know how succeed and kick ass in life is to do it my way.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
I've decided I'm going to go live in a bubble.
Or rather, a big Martini glass, with a bubble over it.
I'll have wireless internet, and a door to receive food.
The food consisting strictly of...
-Ranch Dressing
-Stuffed Crust, Extra Cheese, Extra Pineapple, Zucchini, with Ranch instead of Tomoato Sauce pizza from Roundtable
(And for me, they WILL DELIVER INTERNATIONALLY)
I'd like an email filter to not only block junk mail, but to prevent "Asshole Mail", and "Nit Picky, Bullshitting, Naggy Ass" emails, as well.
-Chicken Korma and pashwari naan-Grilled Cheese Sandwiches from Mel's Diner
-Heinz Baked Beans
-The Red Baron cheesy garlic bread they used to sell in my high school's cafeteria (Word to LCHS)
-Heinz Ketchup and Best Foods Mayo
-Mexican Food cooked personally by Bonita.
-Miracle Dietary Supplement to prevent arteries from clogging
I'm thinking this Martini Glass encased in a Bubble will also include a queen size, canopy bed, and a secret code that only very few, like 3 people, know so they can come hang out...and a heated toilet that magically cleans itself.
I want a plasma screen TV that doesn't allow any shows with Paris Hilton or Rosie O'Donnell to be played, and willl filter out the Girls Gone Wild commercials. Did I mention Tivo? Did I mention I'd like Grey's Anatomy and Bridezillas to be playing all day, everyday?
But most importantly, I'd like my new home to have a sniper rifle with a super, international, intergalactic scope so I can shoot "STOP BEING SUCH A TWAT" bullets (okay, maybe not bullets, but paint balls) at every single person who has been pissing me off lately.
I've got the fucking rage, lately. RAGE.
I've got sickness, a raw nose, and a heavy-flow menstrual cycle...I'm ANNOYED.
Look, I generally try to channel my rage and pissed off-ness into a more intellectual, and intelligent way of expression...But today...Not going to happen.
I really don't want to rant and bitch...but...
Fucking hell!
I was thinking about THIS post, and just things and conversations and moments in my own personal life as of late..and I just don't understand why people get so fucking crazy when good things happen to other people?
Why do I know and have an uncountable number of women in my life that are so ridiculously insecure, unstable, paranoid, easily threatened, easily put on the defensive, envious, jealous, and so maliciously conniving?
I wonder why people let each other go so easily. Why is it so hard to admit fault? Why is it so hard for some to put up a fight, and admit that they're vulnerable, and have made a mistake?
Why do people need to lie and make excuses for themselves before apologizing and admitting even a granule of fault?
Why is there this overwhelming need for attention and dramatics that some people are so demented and self obsessed that they really do believe that the world revolves around them? Like the world is one big, fat conspiracy to maliciously bring down their life?
YOUR life that just seems to be this perpetual orgy of deprivation**?
Why do people just walk away? Give up?.
Why don't people don't fight more? And I'm not talking domestic squabbly bullshitty fights...
I mean, those "take a deep hard look at yourself during an emotional battle" kind of fight.
Those awkward, uncomfortable, heated fights between yourself and your friends.
That "make it or break it" conversation with a family member.
Your children.
My dad.
Your mother.
Why don't people care enough to fight?
Why don't you have enough passion in you to fight for me?
Am I really that disposable?
Are people really that blind to their own actions? Why is it when a mirror is thrown up in their view, a mirror to question and present their faults....
People run. Deny. Lie. Dismiss. Avoid...Anything but look. Anything by think.
They can't believe you would say or would think such things about them. It's not just MY fault.You did, this. You did, that.
Make a big show, a distraction, throw insults.
You? No. Never.
That's all I ever get from people, if that.
Sometimes people just disappear. Not wanting to fight. Not wanting to discuss.
I will not accept blame that manifests itself purely to lighten the burden of your guilt.
I will not apologize so you can feel better, knowing that I've apologized and therefore must have done something wrong, making the problem not JUST you.
Where's the passion?
Why didn't you have enough passion to fight for me?
And don't just fight for me as a possession, or as a cure for your solitude...
I have lost and given up on so many people lately. Cut you out. Cut you off. Peace.
That is what far too many of my supposed friendships and relationships have dwindled down to lately...
That doesn't mean that I give up easy. I fight. I will fight all fucking night if I need to.
One of these days you'll get to hear the story of how on our "last night" in London together Iain and I fought with two of our - now former - friends from 1am to 10:00am the next morning. Non-stop.
If you shut down, throw up your hands, and throw down the cop-out of "Well then I guess you're right! You're right about everything!" and walk away...
It takes every bone in my body not to run up, jump on your back, and scream in your ear "FUCKING TALK TO ME" until I get you to talk.
I'm not always a fighter. I know when to shut-up. I know when there's no battle to be fought, or won, and when to just do my own thing while an army battles an invisible foe.
I know when I've lost. I know when I can't win.
But it seems that people always just let me go.
Really, I do know it's me letting them go. Letting go of the relationship or friendship we had that existed purely on my own efforts. When I stop putting forth the effort, there is no effort to be seen, therefore it's easy to say that because I am the only factor in this relationship that has shifted their behavior, that I am to blame for the ultimate change.
Never mind that you never tried, anyway. I stopped, therefore, it's my fault.
If you really loved me like your daughter. Like your best friend. Like your "sister"...
And I came to you, laid out my honest emotions, and vulnerable opinions as to WHY there is a rift in our relationship...
Wouldn't you STOP? Wouldn't you THINK? Wouldn't you want to rebuild? Fix, clear out the wound, and THEN bandage it up?
I will not smooth something over for the sake of keeping the peace.
I am never neutral. If I am, it's because I don't know enough about something to have an opinion either way...
Politics? Fuck if I know.
Real friendship, real love, real family? That I know.
Maybe it's a curse that I know these things too well. Maybe I understand TOO much about myself. Maybe I have been hurt too deeply in the past, and know all too well what a red flag looks like.
Maybe I know too well what a toxic friend, lover, or parent looks like.
Maybe other people don't lose their "childhood best friend" and their father in the same month.
Maybe other people don't have family members they once looked up to, not acknowledge their wedding.
Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I'm bitter...Or maybe my eyes are just too open.
I don't understand how a friend that I had for such a long time...A girl that watched me grow up. A girl who I held after her break ups, stood up for when she was judged, and put nothing before...
The girl that was there for my first Frappuccino, my short red hair, my high school musicals and the hours and hours of Christina Aguilera karaoke...
How could you just cower and run when I called you on your bullshit?
Would it have been so difficult to just LISTEN to what I had to say? Is it really that UNIMAGINABLE that you could be possibly be... WRONG? (*gasp*cough*panic attack*)
Let's see...
I go back home for the first time in 6 months for 3 weeks, didn't have a car, and live 20 miles away from you...
And you're too busy doing school projects, going to sorority meetings and working at your part time job to somehow find time over 21 days to DRIVE to come see me? Even ONCE?
I ask when you're free to go to lunch, and I get a god damn SCHEDULE of your life in return. Good to see there's a small window between 4 and 5:30 for me to hitch-hike it up the Freeway just in time to catch you before your yoga class...Fuck, I'm sorry that you'll have to give up your nail appointment in order to meet up...The SACRIFICES you make!
Amazing that after THREE MONTHS of silence, the first form of contact comes in an email from you asking, "We're no longer friends on Myspace?!"
Seriously?
And you still don't understand why I didn't exactly accept your "sincere congratulations on your marriage" that was embedded in between your cold, Psychology 101 mid-term essay style response to my "Are you KIDDING ME?" email?
How do you then, justify cutting someone out of your life and ending a 7 year friendship with a curt, 4 line email that ends with a simple "Good bye".
Perhaps I should have known this would happen. Maybe I'm at fault for thinking that she had grown up enough to finally be able to handle my "grown-up" issues and adult life.
When I told her about my fiance visa, and she asked me if I could CHARGE THINGS ON MY FIANCEE VISA I should have known to run away. (GV Alert! GV Alert!)
How could I really expect a self-obsessed 21 year old to really be able to grasp hold and appreciate and understand my battle with depression and therapy? (Yes, I see the irony here...)
I should have known that her ego's capabilities don't include owning up to fault and making mistakes. Maybe I should have realized years ago that she had already let me go...
Maybe I should have realized my time to let go was long over due...
I would not trade a single failed relationship for the precious, few, genuine ones I have now. There's the old saying of, "If you love someone, set them free" and hopefully, if it's true love, they'll come back.
I've loved friends, family, and boys.
They have wronged me, or I've been blind to the true conditions of our relationship...
So I have stopped trying. Stopped calling. Stopped kissing.
I've been met with silence.
I've been met with hate.
I've been abandoned, and left alone.
All the better. All the wiser. But all the more bruised.
My high expectations of others is my fault, and my burden that fuels my depression and worst moments.
It can be found in every relationship, friendship, and downfall of my life.
I have extremely high expectations of myself. My imperfections are not handled perfectly enough.
...And that is why I want to live in my own little bubble today.
I think that there is always some sort of bubble around me. A defence mechanism I choose not to put up. This bubble, this armour, that I keep hidden until I've been so beaten down that I have no choice but to lash out and put it up.
I can be a push-over sometimes. As cynical as I can be, I still like to believe in the best in people. Not that they're perfect, but that they'll rise to the occasion when there's a conflict.
Rifts and conflicts will naturally arise in relationships and friendships as they progress.
It happens.
Some people are toxic lost causes that we don't need in our life. Some are just leeches that like to suck the joy out of our successes and latch on for the ride, seeing how far they can get themselves while "drafting" behind our lead..
Recognize those moments where you need to fight, instead of flee.
But never underestimate how euphoric and empowering having a small circle of true, genuine supporters can feel.
To my own, humble circle...Thank you.
Y'all can totally have the secret code to my bubble.
* * I totally jacked this line from "On Beauty" by Zora Smith
