3 posts tagged “iain and cate”

Today is a rather special day, as it is me and Iain's first wedding anniversary.

Last year, at 11:00 on the 11th of January 2007, we got hitched and I can proudly say that we can still mildly tolerate each other to this day.

I really can't believe it's been a year. Not because I feel like, "THANK GOD WE MADE IT!" but because this whole marriage thing really doesn't seem to be that hard. You always hear on TV shows and movies that "The first year of marriage is the hardest." and that "Marriage is such hard work!" and I have to disagree.

Relationships, and not necessarily marriage, are hard, simply because compromise is hard. Living with someone else is hard, because you have two egos, two sets of hopes, and two sets of opinions under one roof. Two tempers, two sets of insecurities and hangups and one person who's body freaks out once a month and goes all hormonal and crampy and SHEDEVILISH.

Marriage is simply a incredibly committed relationship where both people are truly, honestly, and 100% in it for the long haul. Where the mentality isn't, "Well, if we break up," or "Well, if we get divorced..." Or at least our marriage is.

I've found that the fiercer you love someone, the more tragic (though less frequent) your arguments seem. Iain and I don't really fight, but when we do, it's not fun.

I can't speak for Iain, but I know that I've had to learn a lot this year. I've learned that when I'm depressed, or angry, or stressed, I no longer have the luxury of just shutting everyone and everything out, climbing under the covers and crying my way through the days. It's not fair, and you cannot shut your partner out.

Of course there are moments where we both know that I need to fall apart for a minute, so I hide under the covers and cry my eyes out  - but I always blow my nose, pull back the covers and then look Iain straight in the face and try my best to tell him how I feel. How I really feel.

I'm not perfect at this, but I'm trying.

I've learned that I have to come out of myself, and pull myself out of whatever mood I'm in to be there for my partner. I don't know about you, but it's very easy for me to just ball up with whatever I'm feeling and just stay there. It's very easy for me to just stay in my own little box and only come out when I want to.

But your partner needs you. There are times that even though I'm feeling miserable, I need to be able to pull out of my shell, pull my WOE IS ME cotton out of my ears and LISTEN to what Iain needs and BE THERE FOR HIM.

In marriage, you cannot be selfish. You cannot be self obsessed and needy. It's a give and take situation, just like any relationship. And if you love hard enough, and you love honestly, every stupid argument, every Kraft Singles plastic wrapper that gets left out on the counter and every used tea cup hiding under the bed is so, so worth it.

Happy Anniversary, Iain.

I love you.

 

A'ight Foo's.

I know you think I'm the laziest Bride in all tarnation for not mo'bloggin' my wedding, or posting pictures already...

And well, yes, you would be right.

And, all of our wedding photos are in Iain's mum's digital camera... I'll try to get some emailed to me soon so you can all stare at the magical fluff of polka dots that was my dress.

My other excuse is that, well, I haven't really felt like writing about it yet. It was lovely, and romantical, and yes, I did blubber and cry.

It was basically perfect...other than the gale force winds, my "special occasion" zits, the rain, my period, and the fact that the curling iron my mom sent me to do my hair had the wrong voltage so it was either chance it and possibly die, or have straight hair.

I had straight hair.

But, we are married. I'm "wifey" he's "hubaby" and so far we still have a sex life.

We didn't have our own soppy "You are the wind beneath my wings, and I will always love you" vows.

We walked down the aisle together to Etta James' "At Last"...

During our signing of our marriage certificate Glen Miller's "Star dust" played...And we walked out to "These Are The Days" by Sugarland.

Fuck yes, we took our "first steps as man and wife" to a country song...in England.

I'm not really sure how to do it justice and "give details"...It was really nice. It was a nice day. We had a really fun, drunk weekend in Brighton.

We had pizza on our wedding night, along with copious amounts of vodka...

Iain bought me some fucking kick ass ear muffs, and the ketchup bottle of my dreams...All in all, it was fabulous.

I just feel weird writing about our wedding. I don't have words to describe how special and memorable it was. I feel strangely private about it, almost. I haven't really talked about it...But that's kind of how I am. If I'm happy about something I like to hold it in for a while, and think, and mull it over, and treasure it and keep it private and safe.

I may never burst out with tons of details, or I may. Actually, I'm surprised at how much I've written so far, lol.

But what I can tell you how "married life" feels...

It feels THE SAME.

It's exciting to be able to call each other "husband" or say "Dude...We're married." and giggle at my new last name like we're kids faking being adults and playing house...

It feels the same as when you finally are "official" and can say "this is my totally awesome boyfriend!!" when introducing the guy you've been shagging for the past 2 months to your friends...

I don't feel like "OMFG! Finally". We didn't burst into the hotel throwing confetti with "Just Married" signs on our backs screaming "We're NEWLY-WEDS! We're in LOVE!".

I don't feel more committed. I don't feel more secure, or in love, or loved, or safer in our relationship.

At the same token I don't just think it's a piece of paper...I think it's a nice ceremony and represents a lovely idea that should be taken seriously, but not too seriously or weighed with heavy expectations that it will transform, better, or worsen your relationship.

I don't think being married makes me an "expert" or a person of superiority when it comes to the concept of marriage.

The day after we got married, Iain and I talked for a long time about the word "wife".

When I think of what being a wife means to me...I picture Iain and I through our years together, being down at the pub. Growing older and older, but still the same. Still drunk, still horny, but wiser and even closer. I think of the comical yet realistic image of me as a mother. I picture our first home.

However.

The word WIFE....

Through the media, in society, culturally, and traditionally the word WIFE has taken on a really shitty connotation.

For example....

"Do you mind if my girlfriend comes down to the pub with us?"

Sounds a lot different than....

"Do you mind if my wife comes down to the pub with us?"

From what I've experienced, none of the married men in my social circle bring their WIVES along places. You'll see girlfriends, or people that they're shagging, but not their wife?

Why is that?

"WIFE" brings up this image of the bitter ball in chain who doesn't want their husband going out with his friends a lone because she's insecure and jealous and needs to be included so he doesn't have to leave early, be on his mobile the entire time, or "get in trouble with THE WIFE" when get stumbles home...

Your girlfriend will nag, or come along and have fun...But your wife?

 WIFE?

How many times do you hear that word and words associated with it, drip with negativity, and disgust?

"Yeah, ya know, cuz THE WIFE"

"I better go, gonna hear it from THE WIFE"

"The old ball and chain"

"The Missus"

"It's probably his WIFE."

"Yeah, I don't think he can because of his WIFE."

Somewhere in the twisted roots of women being obsessed with marriage, men not wanting to get married, high divorce

rates, sexless marriages, Hera and Eve; the word 'wife' became tainted, and now doesn't seem to carry much honor or holiness in society, does it?

Of course the same can be said for marriage, but, for fuck sake I'm not getting paid to write a novel, here.

There are times when "husband" doesn't sound so great, as well...

"Oh I have to go or my husband will get mad..."

"Oh I can't, I'll have to ask my husband, first...."

But I don't think "husband" holds nearly such a negative connotation, socially and stereotypically, as the word "wife" does.

Quite frankly it pisses me off.

What's a "wife"?

Why the fuck are wives portrayed so badly?

Aside from the obvious Desperate Housewives bullshit, there are plenty of other "wife" stereotypes that are portrayed in the media, and pushed upon women in real life scenarios.

You have the "frumpy, dowdy wife" that wants her husband to stay home more, and be there for the kids, even though she doesn't really love him.

The "Mommy wife" who just cares about her children, the PTA, and wants a passionless, picture perfect marriage. This would be the same stereotypical wife that is too perfect and "motherly" to have sex with, and therefore the husband has no choice but to have an affair.

Then there's the "slutty wife" -or WILF- who cheats and fucks all of her hubby's friends...

Or the "gold digging wife".

The "corporate wife".

The "trophy wife".

The "pregnant all the time with 7 kids wife".

.The women of my generation idolize the Carrie Bradshaws and Bridget Joneses of the world....

Single girls who are FABULOUS at being single and hopeless at relationships. They're funny and look good...Why, they're just like us!

But society and the media fail to address the question of:

Can you be fabulous when you're no longer a girlfriend, but a WIFE?

Where is our healthy, intelligent, Carrie Bradshaw-esque, happily married wife?

...No where.

That doesn't make good television, tabloids, or stories. She's boring. What's exciting about that?

Nope. We need XTREME WIVES!

Jessica Simpson! (divorced and stoopid)

Britney Spears! (perpetually knocked up, married to a losah, and now divorced.)

Victoria Beckham! (WAG. 'Too Posh To Push'. Surgically enhanced, talentless, twig of a woman who doesn't appear to have a motherly bone in her fragile, frigid, frame.)

And do I really need to go into what's wrong with Desperate Housewives? (The TV show people, oy. I'm not going there again.)

No WONDER every one on my friends (except my one married friend) have such a fucking ugly idea of what marriage is. I'm not claiming to know, as I haven't been married a week, but FUCK there are no examples??!??

I used to think marriage was the stupidest concept in the world. And according to the impressions society gives us about being a "wife"...Why would we want to go and ruin our lives with all that?

There are some great examples of kick ass Moms out there...Like Heather and Kristen....

But wives that don't have children, but are happy, fulfilled, and in a healthy, loving relationship?

Uuuuhhhhmmmm....They must exist? Why can I not think of any?

I refuse to let the negative "wife" connotations ruin my ideas of what being a wife means.

I believe it takes more than one person to change a stereotype. However, I'm going to bust my ass to bring "wifey" back.

Yeah, I'll be the lone wife at the pub. The lone wife in my social group....

But for fuck sake, Iain and I are going to prove that wife CAN and IS a good word.

It is a word to be proud of... 

And as a former marriage/wife hater I'm realizing that you can change your own rules by not being intimidated by labels or doing something that can be brushed aside by others as "selling out" or "buying in" to something.

I am a wife. I am married. I have a husband.

I am not a stereotype. I am not defined by a label.

I don't cook because I don't enjoy it yet, and my husband likes to. I make choices based on my personal morals or beliefs, not through fear that the choice I'm making will not align with the traditional guidelines of a label I have branded myself with.

I am wife, hear me burp.