8 posts tagged “gv”
HOWEVER.
Today, The Observer ran an article listing the apparent 50 most powerful blogs in the world, and it's the biggest load of crap ever to be written. Sorry, but it is.
For example, while I love The Huffington Post...it's not the the most powerful blog IN THE WORLD.
Some (most) of these blogs I have never even heard of, and the fact of the matter is, I'm a professional blogger, so I sort of spend a lot of time reading other blogs.
And seriously, as much as we all love Lolcats, would you really consider Icanhascheezburger the 8th most powerful blog IN THE WORLD??!
A lot of the usual suspects are on this list, such as Dooce, Boing Boing, Gawker and Perez Hilton (which I'm pretty sure, Observer, is two words...) but I wonder why Engadget is all the way at 16 after TMZ, when it's consistently number 1 on Technorati.
There are a couple other blogs that while I'm glad these folks have been added to the list, I fail to see how they're one of the most powerful blogs in the world. I'll just leave it at that, through fear of offending anyone.
However, I think the blog on this list that angers me the most rests at number 22...
Mother fucking Jezebel.
Firstly, how a blog that hasn't even been live for a year is the 22nd most powerful blog in the universe is beyond me.
Secondly, are you fucking joking?
I understand that Jezzie is a huge cash/hype cow for Gawker as they're the most popular mainstream blog out there that claims to be feminist and acts as though they're the first female bloggers ever to be paid to call bullshit on The Daily Mail or notice that female celebs are OMG AIRBRUSHED on the covers of fashion mags.
I understand that a lot of women love this blog and think it's the best thing since Lip Venom, but for realzies, I call bullshit.
BULLSHIT.
I know I'm probably supposed to keep my mouth shut through fear of committing professional suicide, but seeing as for the last year that they've been existence they've not once linked back to that blog I run, despite covering story after story after story that I, and a couple other feminist blogs, have covered before they did and act like it's a completely original piece, or only link back to people like The NY Times.
I'm not asking for much. All I'm asking is why they think they're above
common blogging courtesy rituals and why they can't be bothered to do
the polite and respectable thing and pull their well-manicured finger
out of their coke encrusted nose for two seconds and LINK THE FUCK BACK TO US.
I get that most of this probably has to do with the fact that earlier
last year I posted something calling bullshit on Gawker God N*** D*****
for saying on his personal blog that "women must have finally
discovered blogs" and that's why Jezebel was so popular.
All I said that I sincerely hope he was joking, or something to that affect, and the bastard must have Google Alerts set up on his name, as less than an hour later he fucking leaves me some stupid as comment letting me know that, um, HELLLO LITTLE GIRL, here at Gawker we're IRONIC and so me saying that was, like, IRONIC and stuff and GOD why don't you get a SENSE OF HUMOUR and wake up to how fucking IRONIC we are all the time.
Anyway.
Aside from my personal bitterness towards them, chew on this:
They have a regular feature called Pot Psychology where regular Jezebel contributor Slut Machine gets stoned with one of her friends,(probably some other Gawker dude that I don't know or give a shit about) and then video tapes her and her buddy answering Jezebel reader's questions whenever they can manage to stop laughing at how wildly hilarious they are for video taping themselves - STONED.
Look, if this were actually funny, I'd be down with it. But seriously? The entire time its' like you can tell that they can't even believe that they're, like, actually getting paid to do shit like that.
But anyway, I digress. It was this week's installment of Pot Psychology that really fucking pissed me off.
So, Slut Machine is stoned out of her mind and then they read aloud a question from a reader who asks if they need to do an enema before they have anal sex. Slut Machine responds that while she's mostly constipated all the time, she then goes on to let us know that, actually, every time she's done anal, she's just done "a lot of coke" first, and that usually "cleans her out". Plus she'd rather do "coke than have an enema any day".
But wait! There's more!
Another reader writes in to ask for advice because she's on anti-depressants and The Pill and has no sex drive. Immediately Slut Machine's stoned pal says, "I really don't think your qualified to give medical advice", but she gives it a go anyway. SM responds that there are "different forms of birth control besides the pill" and her friend interjects that The Rhythm Method works quite well.
Then she goes on to say that "I haven't been pregnant in a while...but the last time I was pregnant I was actually on The Pill" AND THEN MY EYES ROLLED INTO THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND I HAD TO STOP WATCHING.
Seriously?? SERIOUSLY???!?!!!?!
And BEFORE you lay into me about how she's JUST BEING IRONIC and GAWKER IS KNOWN FOR BEING IRONIC, please spare me. That girl is not witty or sober enough to pull off ironic, dry humor like that. Girlfriend was serious about that, and serious about taking coke as she regularly writes about her escapades about who she fucks and how they fucked and what drugs she took.
And, the thing about being pregnant. How can anyone possibly think of this blog as being powerful or informative and take them seriously when they write about "how, like, fucked up it is" that there are still people in the government that would like to see Roe vs Wade overturned when they have some dumbass writing about how she's had god knows how many abortions.
Hi Anti-Abortionists! Meet your new best friend!
Even scarier? All the commenters fucking love it. They write about how they "fucking love her" and how she's "fucking amazing" and how her "pregnancy joke" was so funny...um, not a joke Shirley!!!!
All in all, I find this list to be one massively long piece of shit. It's like they asked their team of 10 people it took to compile that list to just list off some blogs that they've heard of or blogs that they subscribe to their RSS feeds. Or does your friend edit that blog? Sweet, we'll add it to the list...
Also, may I just point out, that one of the morons that helped misquote me and a bunch of other women in their New Feminists piece that I was featured in helped write this. She who does not believe in interviewing people with tape recorder, but just writing down half of every third sentence they say with a pencil on a cocktail napkin.
All I'm sayin' is that maybe The Observer should have spent a little more time and thought and effort into WHO they should be crediting as being the most powerful blogs in the world. Jesus. Maybe I'll start doing my own videos featuring me after I've done crystal meth and then go talk to school children about abstinence only education. That'd be a hoot! Could I be powerful then, too?! DOING ILLEGAL DRUGS AND THEN GIVING ADVICE IS HILARIOUS.
WOW I HAVEN'T RANTED LIKE THAT IN A LONG TIME. Feeeeelllssss goooooood.
So, who would you have liked to have seen on the list?
Somebody really needs to help Heidi Montag, as it appears that she's suffering from a serious hand flailing condition. Perhaps it's an early case of rheumatoid arthritis, but I have a feeling she's trying to replicate the Diva Hands condition that such singers as Mariah Carey, Jessica Simpson and Christina Aguilera all seem to suffer from.
Case in point, Heidi's video for her new song, which appears to be titled, "Roll Around On The Beach" from what I can tell from the video. While her vocal style seem to be heavily influenced by such musical power houses as Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Hillary Duff, her showmanship needs some serious work.
In this video, so carefully directed by her fiance, Spencer Twat, Heidi tries her best to squat in the sand, roll in the waves, and sing atop some rocks with natural grace, yet her erratic hand movements really take away from the essence of this song. It's a shame, really.
So! A whole freakin' week later, I'm finally going to share with y'all about my experience at the FWSA's Feminism and Pop Culture conference.
Just so we're all clear, I'm not writing this to try and say FUCK YOU to the FWSA or to the speakers there. However, I am here to say Fuck You to anybody who tries to pigeon hole me and my beliefs and tells me what I can or cannot do as a feminist.
So, for all of you feminists and women out there who have been told you can't wear makeup and be a feminist, or have dirty sex if you're a feminist, or even shave your fucking legs. This is for you.
I didn't necessarily learn anything new about Feminism at the conference. However, I did learn a shit load of things about feminists.
Before I begin...I just need to make something clear. Since my original Gaping Vagina post, I've put a lot of thought into such things like stripping, and porn...things that are very much controversial subjects on their own, and especially in the feminist community.
I would just like to apologize to anyone who I've offended with that post. Not that I suddenly think that stripping or pornography are empowering...but I know that there are a lot of fabulous women out there who are a lot more, um, open about their sexuality than I, and sometimes their behaviour can be confused with being GV, when really, they're actually making informed decisions about their life and their sexuality, and it's not my place to judge them and say that I know better than them.
I'll go more into this in another post. Not to say I retract everything in my GV post, because I sure as fuck don't. I just know that I've opened my eyes a little bit, and am trying to be less judgemental about stuff.
So. I have heard lots of talk about how the older, "hardcore feminists" can be a *bit* judgemental of us third wavers, for many many reasons, (think lipstick, heels, and raunch culture) and I'm sad to report, the Feminist and Women's Studies Alliance conference confirmed whatever rumours I had heard.
I sat through an hour of pointless jabber about how women are objectified in advertising, because clearly, none of us had ever thought about that before. Or taken a fucking class about it.
But, I was trying to be open and patient of The Sisterhood...but then the woman speaking about about women in advertising said that she didn't think the"This is What a Feminist Looks Like" t-shirt campaign was "effective" because only "certain types" of women would wear that.
Certain types meaning Ashley Judd or those who are young and what society says is "pretty".
That statement really pissed me off, especially considering it came from a woman who looked like a stereotypical feminist. Sorry, but there are feminists who have short hair and don't wear makeup; that's not a secret and that's where the stereotype came from. And let's be honest, the reason she didn't think it was "effective" was because if a woman with clear characteristics of what a feminist is said to look like, and she wears that specific shirt, it wouldn't be effective, would it? It's like, "No shit you're what a feminist looks like."
However, because there is that stereotype, women of color, who are young, or old, or have long hair, or look anything other than a white, middle aged, short haired member of the upper-middle class and are wearing a shirt that declares in big, bold letters THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE is pretty damn affective.
There's a reason everyone paid attention to Ashley Judd when she wore that shirt, because to the rest of the world, she didn't look like a feminist.
Moments after that comment was made, a rather irritatingly perky professor from the back of the room stood up and said, "I find it very discouraging that my female students read magazines and go shopping after one of my women's studies classes".
In response to the woman's *concern*, a younger feminist that was speaking about outdoor advertisement in Australia at the conference, responded by saying, ""Well, that's what I do on my lunch breaks, as well..." but she seemed to go unheard.
Unheard because a woman who was as intelligent and as well spoken as she was couldn't POSSIBLY read Marie Claire on her break. Because that would make her one of those sheep-like idiot girls that are ruining everything, and completely cancel out what she said.
After learning about how degrading advertisements can be against women - I know, you're shocked right now aren't you! It's true! They are! - I'm sad to say, I was just a little pissed off.
I already felt as though I stood out like a sore thumb: American, probably the youngest one there, and I soon discovered, probably the most "uneducated" person in the whole conference:
I met a very nice German professor who, after asking me where I was from (to which I said "California" and then quickly realized she was expecting me to say, "Yale.") then asked me,
"So, what is your paper on?"
"My who?"
"Your paper."
"Oh. No. I don't have a paper..."
"So you're not speaking?"
"Oh no! I'm just hear to listen! Learn! To be a sponge!...Are you speaking?"
"Oh yes, I'm doing a bllaaahh blaaaah confusing blaaaaaah speech on theory of blaaaaaaah."
"...OH!."
It then became very obvious I was in a room of academics and scholars,
and was more than likely, the only person without a college degree
there.
Next was presentation from the keynote speaker Pamela Church Gibson, who provided us with the most awkward and blatant disapproval of younger feminists (and perhaps any feminist that wasn't an academic or a scholar). Apparently I should "have undoubtedly heard of or read her" but because I'm an uneducated, makeup wearing FOOL of a feminist, I had no idea who she was.
I quickly learned that she is an incredibly dynamic, articulate woman, with a half thousand credentials, but who is also completely frightening. She spoke with such conviction, that it was easy to just listen to her voice or her witty jokes, and ignore the true context of what she was saying.
She also did this irritating thing where, because she's quite aware of her precence in the room and how comanding her voice is, she'd interrupt herself and say,
"And if anyone disagrees with me, PLEASE, speak up. I would LOVE to hear from you!" And everyone would laugh, and she'd say, "No, really. I would! PLEASE DO."
aka: "I DARE YOU to disagree with! I welcome you to challenge
THE POWER that is PAMELA. I will put you to SHAME, child. Shame. BRING
IT! WHAT!"
Aside from using distracting clips from Mean Girls
and Bring it On she used to show how Hollywood is trying to
be feminist (ahahahaha), this quote from her stuck out in my mind the
most:
"In Oxford, you know, where I live, I look out my window at night, and see these drunk young girls out in the streets, getting arrested. And I can't help thinking to myself, is this what I marched to Take Back The Night for? No. It's not."
While her statement wasn't meant to be harmful, I think it just reeked
of her disgust for younger women, and younger feminists. She might as
well have said, "Look what you're doing with this freedom I gave you,
you ungrateful cow!"
Apparently marching for freedom so women could walk freely at night without fear of rape means that we're only allowed to behave as those before us would have wished. Not that drinking until you turn into a belligerent asshole and start raving in the street about your ex and wind up getting arrested is a great idea, but I'm more than positive not everyone does that.
Granted, she did follow her statement up with, "Well, I'm not saying that you can't drink." But clearly, we're only supposed to drink as much as they say is okay. I suppose a thimble of gin and tonic is acceptable.
Was there a big, international feminist meeting where our foremothers handed out codes of dress and conduct booklets? Did I miss that?
Yet, despite all this crazy feminist talk, apparently Pamela thought it was cool to talk about the breast size of the FWSA member who introduced her, in front of the entire audience.
Now the FWSA member who introduced her was young, and blond, and yet despite her conservative sense of style, she couldn't hide the fact that she -MY GOD- had tits.
Let's face it, when you're over a B cup, it's sort of difficult to hide your breasts. And really, why the fuck should we have to disguise the fact that our we have "dirty pillows"?
When the Busty Lady mentioned something in passing about breast implants and plastic surgery, Ye Old Powerful Pamela pshawed, and said: "Oh honey, you don't need that. Trust me."
Not that the woman was saying she did need breast enhancement surgery, she was simply just talking about it. But I guess it's okay for Pamela to point out the fact that she has boobs.
'Scuse me for asking, but, like, isn't that the sort of comment that if a man made in the same context, we'd burn him at the stake?
What I found amazing, was despite hearing a woman who we're apparently all supposed to look up to, say something like that, a woman had the nerve to speak up, and quite angrily announce,
"Actually, I don't know why we're so keen on blaming that, a lady at the back of the room still women, and making women accountable. We should be holding The Men accountable."
Yes. Because clearly, women are treating themselves and each other so well. You're right. It is just The Men's fault.
...Fuck off.
By the end of Friday's session, I was feeling more than a little preached at, and as if I should be apologizing for being born after 1970; like I should have skipped lunch and gone to Boots instead to buy some makeup remover.
Or perhaps I should be even taking it a step further, and should have started asking around for the the name of a good plastic surgeon to help me get a new, less socially acceptable face.
Bitching aside, I really do think the FWSA have truly genuine intentions.
However, for an organization that declares: "Whatever your Feminism, you'll find growing networks or dedicated researchers and activists with membership in the Feminst and Women's Studies Association" on their posters, you'd think they'd be a little less, I dunno, judgemental and preachy.
"Whatever your feminism" my ass.
It would be one thing if it was an association exclusive to scholars or professors, but its not, and they claim to be so welcoming. Not so "elitists".
Perhaps I chose the wrong sessions to go to, or had too high of expectations. But I highly doubt it.
I went in with an open mind, and was left feeling like I could never be feminist enough for almost all of the women in that room.
What worried me, as well, is that no one ONCE brought up abortion. Or women's rights. Or equal pay. Aren't these things a little important? How about how analyzing why these things aren't really discussed within pop culture?
But no. Let's sit around talking about Chick Lit and why Kirsten Dunst feeling about how her old cheer leading captain stole the other squad's dance moves in Bring It On represents how Hollywood warming up to feminism. Jesus. CHRIST.
While I do know that feminist scholars and academics do serve a role and are important in feminism, (or so I'm guessing) I just can't help but wonder if the money we all spent to attend the conference, eat mini-spring rolls, and sit around listening to a bunch of white women discuss obscure feminist theories, wouldn't have been more useful going to organizations like Planned Parenthood.
Instead of congratulating each other on have 5 different credentials after your name and discussing how mad Paris Hilton makes us...why not fucking DO something?
Is writing an extensive paper on a theory to get your PhD really doing something?
I'm not saying that it isn'tt...I'm just not entirely sure it is.
Yvonne Tasker, another keynote speaker, explained how the military spends unbelievable amounts of time and effort in designing the female soldiers uniforms to look just the right amount of "feminine" (read: just the right amount of tit), and I couldn't help but wonder how the second wavers seemed to have a problem with female soldiers being made to hide their curves, yet think a young feminist doing anything other than taping down her chest, and, god forbid, showing a bit of
I've heard the argument way too many times that young feminists who buy make-up, read women's magazines, and go shopping, are buying into the institutions that want to keep women in subservient roles. As one male commenter on Dollymix said to me, "So, how is your perusal of those magazines or your shopping in those fashionable boutiques challenging that?" Wow! Excellent generalizations there, smartass!
Not all of us who "shop", are buying Dior or Kate Moss for Topshop, or are even shopping in "fashionable boutiques".
We're not obsessing in front of the mirror and telling ourselves we're ugly, just because we're putting on makeup. (Or trying to look like Barbie, for that matter.)
We're not eating salads or drinking water because we're anorexic, or throwing up our meals afterwards. I don't have gym membership because I think I'm not worthy of love, unless I'm a size 4. I do it to stay mentally and physically healthy because HEY! endorphins are good for you.
Not all of us who do things that "don't challenge women's roles", are idiots, or don't know what we're doing.
I know why I wear makeup. I know why I've dieted in the past, and I know why I've stopped. Just because many feminists my age enjoy high heels and lipstick, doesn't mean that we're not doing a TON of positive things for feminism along the way.
We're not fucking stupid, and just because we're doing something that other feminists, or men, disagree with doesn't make us wrong, and it doesn't mean that you "know better" than us.
And while I'm at it, let's talk women's magazines real fast.
Sometimes when I go to the store, I want to buy a magazine. Unfortunately , most supermarkets don't carry Bust or Bitch or How To Not Me a Bad Feminist Magazine. What do they have? Heat! Hello! Marie Claire! Cosmopolitan!
Most of the time, I'll chose Timeout, but really, if I were to buy Marie Claire, my brain isn't going to start melting, and I'm not going to suddenly stop what I'm doing, rush to the toilet and throw up my lunch because of the advertisements that *objectify women*.
I doubt other women who consider themselves feminists are doing that either.
A lot of us do know better, and rarely buy those shit piles of advertisements and lame advise known as women's magazine. But you CANNOT TELL ME that I'm killing feminism by buying one.
People and "real" feminist generalizing and saying that feminist who wear makeup, shop, and read those magazines aren't challenging the institutions that want to keep women subservient, are dead fucking wrong. Wrong because it suggests that we're just blindly going through our lives and aren't making informed decisions; wrong as it just further perpetuates female stereotypes, and stereotypes about feminists.
But I guess if we're not being subservient to the likes of Cosmopolitan and Girls Gone Wild, our only other option would be to pigeon hole ourselves and be subservient to the traditional feminist values of our foremothers and academic feminists.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
The original and work friendly version of this post can be found over at Dollymix:
Thankfully, earlier this weekend I was smart enough to add:
But, this little hour or so of sweet, sweet intoxication has left me with time to think, and worry....
Can cats get STDs?
Our whore male cat Orion escaped the other night to go on a Sex Tour of the neighborhood. Now, I've only ever had dogs, and it's been a bit of an adjustment, but the fact that our cat left the confines of our home and his safety and a fresh bowl of BRAND! NEW! CAT FOOD! to jump through my brother-in-law's window just to go screw and hump a bunch of nasty stray cats for 9 hours, pissed me off.
He finally showed up at about 5am, and was quite pleased with himself.
I imagine if he were able to talk and smoke he'd be puffing a cigar while giving us a run down of how he be "hitting the walls" and "working the middle" of every single freaking cat on the block.
I'm just grossed out. He's even neutered! He has no balls! How did that even work?
I've been calling him "Herpe" and "The Whore" ever since
...I guess I just never though one of my pets would turn into a GV.
This is THE! BEST! THING! I've seen in a very, very long time.
For those of you who are offended by words such as "Penis", or "Vagina", or people talking about sex in a very frank way...or phrases such as "they penis is on fire" I highly recommend that you do not watch this video.
Just don't do it. For your sake and mine.
However, if you'd like to embark on the journey that is the Alexyss Tylor Show, and enjoy her discussions about men, 'they penises', and her theories on women, sex and relationships...please turn up your volume (or put on headphones if you're at work), and press play.
It's magical.
*Gloriously discovered at Feministing.com
Hi y'all!
Really, I'll have a less "fluffy" post tomorrow...But until then I'm swimming in the excitement and glory or personalized banners and VOX GROUPS.
I started my own little group here: The Anti GV Movement.
I've sent out some invites, but it's hard to know who is who without your cute little pictures next to your name....
It's public, whoever would like to join is welcome! Any posts or photos you have that are relevant, no matter how far back they go in your archives, add it to the group!
Wooop!
Please enjoy this little gem from Galaxy Radio.
Some poor guy bought his girlfriend of 4 years an engagement ring and was planning on proposing on Christmas...
But she decided to blow her boss at her office Christmas party, and well, needless to say, it didn't work out.
Listen as she gets called out on the show called "Danny Dumps".
Hilarious. A GV caught live on air.
Gaping Vaginas of the world, greetings.
We haven't really talked in a while.
I've documented you here in "The Vagina Blogs".
And also here, here, and MY GOD! Take a real hard look at the first part of this little ditty.
I even wrote about you HERE, GV.
It's like we have our own little blog affair going on!
So, don't go gettin' all butt hurt when you read this.
I've got a big ass tag with your name on it, STUPID GIRL...
We've had a long, troubled road, GV. You've had it comin'.
So wipe that innocent, shocked look off of your lycra, thong laden face and listen up.
Girls, get your shit together.
I'm not saying this to hurt your sensitive little heart, stomp on your soul, or tamper with your fragile ego...But really?
COME ON.
Now, look, "Gaping Vagina" isn't the greatest name for you, I know. It's not PC. And it automatically gives a negative connotation to the word "Vagina". However, I feel that you, in turn, are giving all the real women out there a bad name with your pathetic antics, so let's just revel in the irony, okay?
So, for those of who are not a GV, or are just to blind to see that you are, let me explain.
Gaping Vagina: (gae-PING vah-JI-nah) noun / plural - ji-NAZ / abbr: GV
1. a person, usually a woman, who behaves in a manner comparable to that of a twat, and of an idiotic, bitchy nature. The term, in this definition, is reference to a "vagina of large size" implying that the GV behaves, also, in the way a "slut" or "Hooker" would. The Gaping Vagina will stop at nothing to receive the pathetic amount of gratification it needs for it to feel satisfied. It will cheat, imitate, lie, and steal to reach a false sense of satisfaction and their overwhelming need to be adored. The GV pays not attention to those who do not present a direct benefit to their selfish wants and desires.
2.a person, okay a woman, who has no real thoughts, ideas or opinions of her own. In this definition, the term Gaping Vagina implies that the woman is acting like "a pussy", slang for "cowardly" and "without courage". The GV enjoys what everyone else likes, and is so scared of not being liked, that it cannot reveal its true self. The GV will follow, and mimic. Whatever works for everyone else, works for them, too. They are a blind follower, and GV1's biggest fan.
Synonyms: twat, cunt, Paris Hilton
Now, GV1, what the hell happened to a self respect?
You hide behind your "I'm just one of the boys" act.
Why can't you be more proud of the fact that not only are you a woman but you're a smart woman.
I'm not just talking about the fucking morons on TV and in your US Weekly or HELLO!
I've been disgusted with this for a long time. I don't think it's just up to celebrities, and authors, and actresses to portray what a real woman should be.
WE, you and I, make up the REAL world. The world that we all have to play nice with each other in.
I'm talking about the adult women in my life, in your life, and all across the fucking world who apparently that can't get their shit together.
They can't get their shit together to respect themselves, get their life in order, and be a good wife, sister, daughter, mother, or friend
Not even a friend to them self.
I'm talking about GVs in the workplace, online, in your personal life, in your face, in your ears, and fucking with your head.
What the is wrong with you, GV?
Why are you so obsessed with competition, and acceptance, and attention? Why are you willing to do whatever it takes to get that sad gratification from someone giving you a pat on the back or inviting you out for drinks next Thursday.
You are exclusive, not inclusive. You have half hearted friendships that are only based on your pathetic need to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
You smile at everyone, but don't have the balls enough to snarl.
You must be liked. You must get invited everywhere. You can't miss anything, you need to know everything, and you need to know more, and be better, hotter, funnier, thinner, bustier, and smarter than EVERYONE.
Your friends. Your "best friend" (all 34 of them). Your family. Your coworkers. Your acquaintances.
If there is someone out there in your radar that is "competition" in your eyes the Green Lights go flashing and you zone in:
There's a fresh one. A live one
She must know that you are higher than her.
Or that you think she's so awesome.
You pose as a follower, or a leader, whichever works best with her. You smile. You giggle.
You have SO MUCH in common.
Best friends!
But the guys like her better. She's smarter than you are.
And why is she so funny? Gawd. Why aren't YOU that funny? Why doesn't everyone laugh at YOU like THAT?
That bitch.
So you become more like her.
Not just friends with similarities. You take whatever she does, sex it up and dye it "envy emerald green", and pass it off as your own.
My god you try hard. And you're sneaky, not everyone sees.
You're like the female Gollum. Except you drink Gin and Tonic instead of live, raw fish...
You've got a split personality so deranged you don't even know what your real name is anymore.
(It's Sméagol! SHMEEGLE! SHHHMMEEEGGGLLLEEE!!!!!)
Your laugh becomes louder. Your shirt gets tighter and lower. Your skirts rise up while your dignity plunges.
Why are you suddenly sipping pink cosmos instead of your usual one olive martini?
But you're just one of the guys, right? So we can't get mad at you if you hug our boyfriends just a little too close and a little too long because,
A) Oh my god, we're like brother and sister! Do you really think I LIKE your BOYFRIEND? EW!
B) That's just the way I am. I'm naturally flirty.
C) I'm so innocent and lovable. Everyone just loves me, so you better not say anything bad about me.
It's near fucking impossible to call a GV on their bullshit, and if you do she'll claim you're just "threatened" by her or she'll pull the "I'm Sensitive" card and make it seem like your the jealous bitch.
You're a smart one, GV. You're crafty.
But you could be so much smarter if you would just would put all of the energy you're spending manipulating and coning others, into yourself.
From the bible one of my absolute favorite books, Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy, comes the quote,
"Why is it still the case that if we have a series about women on television, it has to be about their bodies and sexuality?"
Yes, sexuality and our bodies are a big part of who we are, but that is not all we are.
We all know this, right? Or were you sick the day they went over that in school?
Why is it that if women want to be popular or stand out, there are so many of us that will still mock society's rules and put breasts before brain?
And why is it when so many women are losing, and their success and popularity is on the line, they panic and, ,
"Um, ah, Um...God..Wow, I'm uh. So, erm...Geez. TITS! Me so horny! Look at me guys! I'm liberated and sexual! You like me! You liiiiiiike meeee!"
Don't have the wits or the energy to 'win' any other way?
Hey! Be slutty! It seems to work for everyone else!
But you're not being a stereotype or anything, oh no, because you're what Ariel Levy would call, "A 'loophole woman', an exception in a male-dominated field [or group] whose presence supposedly proves its penetrable."
You're sexy! You're putting you and your sexuality out there because "that's just how you are". You have guts! You're so crazy! Right?
In Susan Brownmiller's words,
"You think you're being brave, you think you're being sexy, you think you're transcending feminism. But that's bullshit."
And it is bullshit. And the women around you that you try so hard in every which way imaginable to "beat" and "use" and "be like" will look at you like how I LOOK AT YOU.
And that is with a disapproving, raised eye brow, as I take a sip of my double, Absolut Better-Than-You cocktail and think to myself, "What a god damn Gaping Vagina."
As will every single other woman, and hopefully, man in your life because it is too difficult to keep up all those lies and shows at once. You will burn your own bridges. They will from both ends and turn to ash.
I just hope by the time you are stranded on your own lonely island with nothing but a bunch of fishnets and "Lip Venom" left will you have finally figured out what your problem is?
Or will we have a new TV program called "GV and the Island" where you sit on your laptop and video blog about the trials and tribulations of masturbation and how horny you are all by yourself on that god damn island.
And as for the Gaping Vaginas in Definition #2 (GV2) ....
Stop being so fucking scared of everything! Stop being afraid people won't like you, or you'll make people mad.
GV, why must you just jump on the bandwagon and throw caution to the wind?
Don't you realize we can see how awkward and out of place you are, standing there in someone else's skin?
Why are you sweet as Splenda to all of these people, just for the sake of being liked?
You know who you are deep down, so why have you become such a fucking sell out?
These are the girls in your life that live to be exactly like their heroes, and exactly the same as their friends,
"Oh my god, I love Victoria Beckham because she's so beautiful. Oh wait....you don't like her? OH, yeah she's such a slut. So anorexic. Wait, you like her book? OH! Me, too! It's so awesome. I love her clothes."
It is because of the 2nd type of GV that the 1st kind is so prevalent.
GV2 worships GV1.
GV1 feeds off of her because OH MY GOD SHE ADORES ME. She gives me all the attention I need!
The GV1 doesn't mind being copied because it is OH so flattering! She has a precious follower who buys into her bullshit.
GV2 thinks GV1 is wonderful not because of HOW she gains attention and adoration, but simply because she HAS attention and adoration.
They mimic and copy anyone and everyone that the masses appear to like, without using judgment. People like them, therefore they must be good, right?
For example...
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Paris Hilton.
She cannot sing. She is not intelligent. She is NOT sexy. She is famous for her sex tape, being stupid, and for being rich.(Did I mention her wonky eye?)
Why do girls try to be like her, dress like her, and fuck like her?
Aren't we over this? Over her? Why do so many girls still like her?
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"How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale" by Jenna Jameson
I find it hilarious that highly intelligent women out there, are reading and buying this book.
Do you realize you're reading an author who was simultaneously selling a best selling memoir, and a real life model of her "ass and vagina" with complimentary bottle of lube at the same time?
Inspiring? Impressive? Worthy of imitation and praise? Hardly.
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The "Girl With A One Track Mind" phenomenon.
This was actually the sex blog/book behind the "Vagina Blogs" post I linked to.
Blunt sex talk.
Where do you draw the line behind pornography and 'blunt sex talk'. You can be sexual. I'm sexual. I just don't really talk about my sex life. My choice. It's also your choice to talk about it. But I don't think you're talking about it because you want to. Or that's just "how you are".
You're talking about it because you enjoy the hard-ons and wide-ons from your fellow GV friends and stupid followers get because of it.
I believe being sexy is the same as being funny.
It has to be subtle. It's an acquired taste. Not every technique or approach works for everyone all the time...but everyone is funny to somebody else out there.
When a joke is forced, obvious, and has to be explained, it's not funny.
When you have to constantly say, "See? Did you see what I did there? I'm mad I am!" that's not funny.
The same goes for sexiness.
And sexy isn't "So I was fucking this guy yesterday, god it was so fucking good. Oh my tits. Did I tell you about my tits?"
That's just stupid. That's the same kinda 'sexy; as porn: Hard. Cold. Emotionless.
Real 'sexy' is intimate. Passionate. Heat.
When a GV2 uses sex for attention, or tries to pass themselves off as being just "naturally sexual", it sounds and looks like a person with no rhythm attempting to do the tango. It doesn't fit. It's not natural, therefore, not sexy.
Look, ladies.
Just because you are not willing to hop on the pathetic bandwagon that is the GV's way of life does not make you 'out of touch', or prudish.
Just like me calling out the GVs on their behavior doesn't make me jealous.
I LOL @ U!
I don't have a problem with anyone who flexes their freedom to CHOOSE and makes a CHOICE that I disagree with as long that it is based on honesty, truth, intelligence, and for them self!.
Be ORIGINAL.
Be HONEST.
You would not talk about your sex life, have your tits on display, or use overly sexual language if it didn't get you attention.
You would not befriend certain people if you didn't think their friendship, or associating yourself with their name, would get you somewhere higher than where you are.
Your vocabulary, choice of drink, choice of music, and persona alter, change and distort change simply depending on who is praising you with attention at the moment.
STOP IT.
Not everything is a competition.
Not everyone is out to get you.
Not every woman is jealous of you.
Just because not every woman likes you, isn't because they are jealous of the attention you are getting. It is not even because "girls just don't like other girls".
There are just some of us who work hard to be ourselves. We work and keep our eyes and tits focused and pointed on our own passions, goals, and our own lives.
You just have yours focused and pointed on everyone else, seeing if they're staring at yours.
So, Miss.Gaping Vagina.
Stop faking it.
It's like, so much fuckin' hotter when it's, like, real and shit.
