13 posts tagged “feminist”

Last Sunday, my interview in The Observer Woman came out.

When this happened, I was over the Pacific, America, Canada, Greenland, or the Atlantic, so I didn't get to do that exciting thing of going into the shop, buying it, ripping it open and fumbling through the pages until I see my big fat head in print and squeal, "OH MY GOD I LOOK HUGE."

No, I had to do that at my desk at work the next morning because a lovely bunch of folks went out and bought me like 343 copies. Thank you, I heart you.

Now, I've been contemplating writing about what I really think about all this because I hate it when people bitch about good opportunities that come their way. Like, "Yeah, sure I was on Oprah. But she was sort of rude and, well, I didn't like how her stylist did my hair. And the bagels in my dressing room sucked. I'm seriously never going on there again. Even if she fucking begged me. Pshaw." But I felt like it would be very unlike myself to not bite the hand that feeds me, or to bitch about something that should ultimately be a positive experience. So, here is my BEHIND THE SCENES TELL ALL story of what I think.

Before I bitch, let me just say that I'm truly thankful and honoured to be interviewed, and to even been considered one of the "new feminists". Having a tape recorder shoved in my face and being blinded by those giant umbrella lights was one of the coolest experiences of my life.

...And that is why I'm so disappointed by how it turned out.

Firstly, contrary to what some may have alluded to, no we did not have makeovers. Are you joking? Do you SEE my hair? Does that look like I had someone do my hair? There was a makeup lady there, although they told us there wouldn't be, so I had some hot chick at MAC do my makeup before I got there.

There wasn't a stylist, so no, they didn't dress us in the new Topshop line. We dressed ourselves. I assume this is either due to a tiny budget for the lowly feminsts, and/or they didn't want to insult our feminist values. Personally, if they had said, "We want to put you in this Vivienne Westwood gown and put 388lbs of makeup and hairspray on you, would that be cool?" I would have high fived them and let them do whatever. MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE IN A MAGAZINE, MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A STAR. (How non-feminist of me, I know. Whatever. Suck it.)

I'm not sure why we look like a Dove ad or a Feminism Club high school yearbook photo, but I'm pretty sure I look better in spontaneous, drunken photos that are on Facebook, than I do in this professional photo.

Secondly, no, no, NO we were not told our highly intelligent, witty, disgustingly brilliant answers would be reduced to  tiny sound bites displayed in a ridiculous chart.

 

Besides the fact that it looks like my boob is resting on the fabulous Jess McCabe's head, and that the art direction seems to imply that they're hiding the fact that I'm really 300lbs and are concealing my massive body behind everybody else - what I'm most frustrated with is the fact that I was horribly misquoted.

From what I've heard, most of the girls were misquoted. If it were the odd word here or there, that wouldn't really bother me. It's a magazine, I except it. (And as Gemma says, "Once you've been misquoted you know you've made it!") But not only were the answers I used for one question, used for another, but the quotes were just like lazy, thrown together regurgitations of what I said. This is even more concerning as my interview lasted at least a half hour, and was bloody tape recorded. If you can't read the interview in the scan above, our answers are all online HERE.

How did you become a feminist?
"...So I started Cupcate, which brings together female-orientated blogs."

Um...since when does this blog "bring together female-orientated blogs"? I'm guessing they meant Dollymix. I don't know.

Are men necessary?

"Of course! Though not George Bush."

When have I ever made a George Bush joke? Let's be real. First, that was not my answer. Secondly, the only time I can remember saying 'George Bush' was when she asked me the question "Which men in the public eye do you dislike?" and I laughed and said, "How many people so far have said 'George Bush'."

Can you be a feminist and go to a lap-dancing club?

"I'm not interested in good feminists and bad feminists. I can do whatever I want so long as I'm aware of why I'm doing it. The important thing is to make informed decisions."

I don't remember saying, "I'm not interested in good or bad feminists..." nor do I say things like "so long as". I think that was the jist of my point, but I didn't think interviews were summaries of what you said.

There have been a ton of criticism over this "feature" by a lot of different women online, however, the most heated comes from The Observer Woman Makes Me Spit blog (go figure):

What made us spit is that when OWM finally got around to discussing feminist ideas, they do so by reducing them to vacuous soundbites in response to brainless questions. It is hard to imagine a format less likely to produce revealing, informative, thought-provoking, persuasive or intelligent analysis.

Meanwhile the neighbouring feature on the New Misogynists was about 3,000 words long, featuring in depth interviews that gave you a real insight into the (ugly) minds of the subjects, lovingly portrayed as dashing rogues. If you can honestly see nothing worthy of mockery and ridicule there, then you should probably just move along.

Amen. What I find the most comforting is that not one person mocked the nine women interviewed. I'm just thankful that everyone has given us the benefit of doubt, and placed blame on the OW.

It's just sad that the young! hot! feminists! of today were given a shot to really sound off (as best as we could) on why feminism is still necessary - and instead we got asked, "DO women really need men like a fish needs a bicycle afterall?"

Ah well. As far as I'm concerned, it's still good publicity. Fuck, we were all in a magazine. That's pretty amazing. I mean, before this, I was in the Laguna Citizen because I was Little Red in my high school's production of Into The Woods. That's a bit of a jump.

Plus, this gives any other major magazines *cough*BUST*cough* and newspapers *cough*THE NEW YORK TIMES*cough* a chance to give us hot, young, feminists of today a chance to speak in full sentences of ten words or more.

At a certain conference I recently attended, I made a point of going to the session on "Women and Blogging".

I mean, like, I'm a woman! I blog! The thought of going to a talk strictly about women and blogging made me want to go to the entire conference. I mean, come on, women and blogging! Feminism and blogging?! Talk about my two favorite things!

All I would have needed was Ewan McGregor in a kilt feeding me ranch flavored cupcakes and I would have had the best time ever. (Did I saw Ewan? I meant IAIN. Hi honey.)

Basically, I was stoked about this session. However, when a 30-year-old, over-achiever with a perfect pony tail, perfectly creased jeans, and perfectly trendy thick rimmed glasses bounced up to the front of the room to discuss "Blogging!1!!!", I felt myself break out into hives.

The first sign that shit was going down was when she couldn't figure out how to turn the projector on to show us her super neat power point presentation, and then enthusiastically started talking about "Weblogs" that connected to each other through "comments" and "hyperlinks".

Did you know, that there are internet web communities based on blogging?

And did you know that there are women who have built a sisterhood online, like, ON THE INTERNET and that these women become, like, friends and stuff?

Apparently this enthused gal, who was rather fascinated by the HOT! NEW! TREND! of keeping a "weblog...online", had been following a group of women who all blogged about trying to get pregnant, and going to IVF treatments, etc.

She was amazed at how these women cared for each other, and that they would "Post like 70 comments on each other's blogs when they found out when someone was pregnant! 70!"

The entire time I was shitting my pants and foaming at the mouth whenever she said "hyperlinked". It pained me that she was speaking like an expert on women who blog, trying to use "the lingo" by saying shit like,"No I never comment. I don't want to de-lurk myself." and was basically suggesting that the way women bond online is only over trying to have babies.

Please note that I'm not knocking people who use their blog to discuss trying to get pregnant. The lovely Ana did/does this, and I think it's fabulous! However, speaking as an expert on women bloggers, only paying attention to women who use their blog to discuss motherhood, and acting like, "Oh this is what women do. They blog about their uteruses (uteri??)." is just fucking irritating.

But, perhaps the part of this talk was when she posed the question:

"What is the biggest issue with women and blogging?"

and answered it with:

"Not every woman has a computer or access to the internet, and therefore cannot blog."

...And I responded by passing out and convulsing for the next 20 minutes.

Yes, because my biggest problem with blogging has CLEARLY been the fact that my internet dies occasionally.

Or that, ya know, sometimes we can't figure out how to turn on our computers and "therefore can't blog".

Give. Me. A. Fucking. Break.

I raised my hand and said,

 "Um..sorry. But what about the sexual harassment of women online? Kathy Sierra? There are women who are threatened with with rape and violence simply because they've written their views online!? They're basically stalked..."

To which I got a blank stare, and then a slight glimmer of understanding when she replied:

"Oh yea. No, yeah, I think I've heard about that happening in chat rooms. I'll look into that and let you know if I find anything."

CHAT ROOMS? IS THIS 1998???

Basically, I'm not going to go on and on about how women are harassed online - because this isn't just a female issue.

 Men are harassed online: crazed ex girlfriends try to ruin their current relationships with lies, or they're berated for being Republican, or Asian, or being "too macho"...

Personally, I know I've had my fair share of The Trolls. If you've been round these pink parts long enough (how dirty did that sound?) I'm sure you've noticed the manipulative liars, racists pigs, sexist assholes, and angry pro-anorexia girls  that like to put in their two cents. Ya know, helpful advice, like telling me to go back to my own country, or that I should pull my head out of my ass.

At work, I've dealt with Trolls that have called me a "self hating bitch" (that came from a nazi lover), or who have argued with me that YES CALIFORNIANS DO WEAR WELLIES, you GEOGRAPHIC MORON.

Is it that women get more harassed online because the internet is like a misogynists' playground, giving men, and female hating women, a place to spread their venom? Is it that people are really still that adverse to women being mouthy, opinionated, and angry...

Is that men are just as harassed online as women, and that women are just harassed in a different way?

I, of course, have my own opinion on this, (shocking I know) but I'm curious as to how many men, as well as women, have been seriously harassed/stalked/threatened online?

Share your thoughts! Let me pick your brain!

The common argument I hear against "ranty", argumentative, bitchy feminists who rage about things such as "The Patriarchy", is that they're basically complaining about nothing. Or rather, they don't have the right to complain about "those sorts of things" because we "really don't have it that bad".

We don't have it "that bad" because we're not living in Africa, Darfur, or the Middle East.

We don't have it that bad because we're a bunch of white/privileged/upper-middle class/rich/American women, living in Western Civilizations.

We're not made to wear Burqas. We are not arrested in nightclubs for wearing a shirt that reveals our back. We don't acid thrown on us like the women we see on Oprah. We're not those women.

We can go to college. We can marry whoever we want. We can work wherever we want. We can get a divorce. We can go on the pill. We can make our own money, and wear what we want...

So we should just shut the fuck up, and stop crying into our Manolos. It's NOT THAT BAD.

I'm sorry, but this argument is fucked. Royally.

Basically, this argument just says to women, "Well, you're not struck by poverty and horrible living conditions, and you're not being raped in the jungle, so really, what the hell have you got to complain about?"

I am by no means saying that I don't have it "better" than the women in Africa and The Middle East who don't have nearly as many freedoms as I do. I think some of their living conditions and daily experiences are horrific and incredibly saddening. And at the same time I feel bad for even saying that I find their way of life "horrific" because really, some of the things we, as Western Women, find "horrific" are traditions, religions, and a heavy part of another woman's culture.

But, just how politically I don't think it's necessarily best for the Western Civilizations to bomb around telling everyone that their governments should look just like ours and function just like ours...I don't think its necessarily right to tell all other women that their religion is completely fucked, and that their lives should look just like ours.

We're all very aware of the fact that as Americans or Canadians or Europeans, our lives are freer, safer, and cleaner than the women in less fortunate situations. We know that.

But I don't think we should just shut up and love where we are because it's not as bad as elsewhere. That's like telling a woman who's husband tells her she's a fat, stupid bitch every night, that she shouldn't really complain, because at least he doesn't hit her.

When it's bad, it's bad. I don't are what level of bad you're at, once you've entered the threshold of "bad", you're in there. Sadness is sadness, no matter how deep.

Therefore, as women in the more "privileged countries",  just because we've been told we can be whoever we want to be, and do whatever we want to do...doesn't exactly mean that things are peachy fucking keen.

So please don't tell me that "We've never had it so good!" and that "You've come a long way, baby!"

Try telling that to the MILLIONS of women at this very moment, shoving their delicately manicured fingers down their throats and vomiting up their lunch.

When we clearly have an entire society built on women constantly having to improve themselves, slim down, shape up, "get a beach gorgeous bod", slice themselves open, or starve themselves skeletal, forgive me if I don't really feel like MY GOD, we have come SUCH A LONG WAY!

I mean, I can vote, why should I still have a problem!

It makes me angry, that's why I rant. And I can't help but wonder if the people who are telling us to shut up and to enjoy the freedoms that we've got, are the same people that benefit from us keeping quiet.

The women who want us to shut up because "it's not that bad" benefit from being where they are: on top. They've fought and clawed their way to the top. They've battled the patriarchy and are sitting pretty. And what's that? A bunch of younger women complaining that it's not good enough? Saying that the women on top aren't high enough, and are busy clawing their way to your post - if not higher? My god! Why WOULDN'T they want us to shut up? We might prove them wrong, be better,  perhaps even more liberated.

I think the most prevelant example of why things are a lot worse than they seem is in Courtney E Martin's book, Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. She writes about how the women heard "you have to do everything" when our parent's told us "you can do anything". We are perfectionists, and really, I can't think of a single women I know who isn't.

They may not call themselves that, as the word "perfectionist" sounds almost as dirty as  "feminist", but the things that are inside of me -never feeling good enough, desperate need for approval, fear of failing, self-hate, etc- manifest themselves in my daily life in the form of control and perfectionism.

The same traits, even if its just one, exist in many, many women. Too many. Dare I even say millions. They may manifest themselves in other women in different ways aside from perfectionism: eating disorders, depression, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, insomnia, "food issues", distorted body image, etc...Or, they may have all of the imaginable above. It just depends.

As Martin puts it, there's a "starving daughter" in far too many of us; the starving daughter that constantly, unforgivably, reminds us that we're not perfect:

"[We] are full of self doubt. We don't want to worry so much about making other people happy but feel like we can never say thank you enough times, never show enough humility, never help enough, never feel enough shame. We feel guilty. we fear conflict. We are dramatic, sensitive, injured easily. we are clinging to all kinds of attachments that , in our minds, we know we should let go of, but in our bodies, we feel incapable of relinquishing. We are self-pitying, sad, even depressed. We are tired of trying so hard all the time."

Does this hit uncomfortably home for anyone else?

Maybe my views on feminism and women are warped. Maybe I think I am more like other women than I really am. Maybe I am just in line with the fucked up few who feel like this, or partly like this...

But I highly doubt that I am. THIS is what is wrong with our society, and with the brilliant, talented, beautiful young women who EVERY DAY tell themselves that they aren't beautiful enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. Or perfect enough to be worthy for your love, praise, and attention.

The Guardian ran a piece a couple months ago called "We've never had it so good" where Louise Carpenter talked the women of today who are "unburdened by responsibility" and "are experiencing true economic, emotional and sexual freedom". Though she admits her research was "hardly scientific, nor was it socially or economically comprehensive, since I concentrated mainly on women with degrees" she quickly dismisses the impact that has on her findings: "nevertheless it revealed something quite startling".

The only thing I felt was "startling" about her findings were the women she interviewed that clearly lived in some sort of obscure fucked-up Candy Land.

She interviewed women who are all going to universities, all have between "£500 - £1,000" free spending money a month (because THAT'S so normal) and who clearly haven't slummed it any way shape or form at any point in their lives.

Are these the sort of women who are going to complain about the injustices in our society? Um, no. They're the perfect examples of why we shouldn't complain, and they have all the right answers to prove it:

"Intelligence and humour were considered overall more important than looks. They all articulated the importance of feeling sexy over looking sexy, although they made the connection between the two. All thought the size-zero issue was ridiculous and had only vaguely dieted (although none, interestingly, were above a size 12 and most were a 10). Cosmetic surgery was not seen as a real option although I got the impression 'work' for a few of them might at some stage incorporate Botox."

See? Perfect! Those are the girls who are "too good" to get eating disorders. They know better than that, right? One girl in the interview admitted to needing therapy halfway through college because the pressure go to be too much, but that was easily brushed over with more praise and statistics proving that girl power has prevailed, and that since all these women were doing so well, what's the point of feminism?

The more I read through this article the more the women she was interviewing sounded like the Stepford Girls:

"There's no doubt that there is now more pressure than ever to succeed,' il: 'At school and university, it was no longer enough to simply be academically successful.The twentysomething women I know aren't bothered about old-style feminism. We're not interested in trying to feel "empowered", partly because we see ourselves as equal to men now: we can work, vote, sleep around, all without anyone barely batting an eyelid."

REALLY? You can sleep around without anyone barely batting an eyelid? Who do you know? Where are these people? And what fucking drugs are you on??

I love the "we're not interested in feeling empowered" bit. I wonder why she feels that there is so much pressure on her, and what she does and thinks behind closed doors. Where does that pressure come from? Hmmmm sister? Probably just from yourself. And I wonder what she would say if she was asked if she thought her male counterparts had to work as hard as she did?

"In some ways that's liberating, but at the same time it's as if we've become suffocated by choice: we have nothing to complain about and nothing left to fight for. We don't have to get married to survive, and if we do we can get divorced if it doesn't work out how we hoped. Men now take a substantial share of domestic responsibility and much more of a role in child-rearing. My career choices as a woman starting out on the ladder are endless."

Yup! You're right. Everything is just PERFECT HERE. This girl has it all figured out. I'm just wondering what society it is that she lives in because I think that there are PLENTY of people that would disagree with her.

Oh, but then we have the statistics to show us that SEE? Women are doing so well! Never mind that we're fucking killing ourselves to get there, by god,  just look at our dazzling statistics!

33 is the average age for women to get married. Twenty years ago, it was 26.

(Thank god. Marriage rots your brain.)

3x- likelihood of British men to commit suicide, as compared with women.

(Great! We're killing ourselves less! That's swell!)

26 is the average age for women to have children. In 1971 it was 23.

(Thank god. Babies rot your brain. Plus, who has time to have babies? You're too busy BEING PERFECT.)

40% of professional jobs in UK are held by women.

(FORTY??? FORTY PERCENT??? Yeah. That's definitely something TO FUCKING CELEBRATE. Way to look at the glass half full, bitch.)

20% of young women break the government's alcohol limits.

(Well thank god. There's nothing worse than young women drinking more than a pint of cider. They get out. of. control.)

Carpenter closes her article by saying, "The future is bright and it is female. Maybe it is the poor, confused young men we should be worried about."

She's just wrong on so many levels, it hurts me.

Maybe there is a group of delusional women *cough CAITLIN FLANAGAN cough* who wander around pretending that things are swell and we can do whatever we want whilst those other women of the world starve themselves, throw up their food, check themselves in and out of therapy, and continue to feel disgusted with themselves for not being perfect...but I'm sure as fuck not one of them.

And I doubt I'm alone on this one. The political IS the personal. If the US government chipping away at women's right to control their bodies doesn't scare you, it should. If you think the situation of "the blonde girl with big tits and a small IQ getting promoted before you" doesn't exist, think again. Because it sure as fuck does.

Abortion is a real issue. Body image is a real issue. Perfectionism and depression exist, and they don't just happen to weak, broken girls. Rape doesn't just happen in Darfur and in Lifetime movies.

You can continue to hide under your Kate Moss for Topshop dress and pretend it doesn't, and pretend that feminism is unneeded and unwanted, and continue to tell us that we don't have it that bad...

But while you're doing that, we'll continue to rant, and rage, and act, and write, and Bitch and Bust about it until you can't ignore us any more.

I am a young, privileged, white American woman. I am intelligent. I have a loving husband. I have a wonderful home. I have a family that loves me. I am beautiful. I am thin. I have and make my own money. I do what I love for a living...

I have a depressive disorder that I will carry the rest of my life. I have been sexually harassed. I have been emotionally abused. I have been in unhealthy relationships. In my short lifetime, I have made myself throw up food. I have a self-inflicted scar on my left wrist.  I have been to therapy, and probably will go again in the future. I have body image issues. I have issues with food. 

Because of all this, I know that feminism is important.

I know that from the outside looking in, I shouldn't have a worry in the world. But on the inside looking out, I feel my pain. I can see pain in other women.

And that is why I rage. Because I am beautiful, and I so want to believe that. I have to know that one day I can say that, and mean it. Mean every single letter. And until then, I will fight. And I will continue fighting until I know that every little girl and every young woman and every old woman can say it and mean it too.

If that's not something to fight for, I don't know what is.

So! A whole freakin' week later, I'm finally going to share with y'all about my experience at the FWSA's Feminism and Pop Culture conference.

Just so we're all clear, I'm not writing this to try and say FUCK YOU to the FWSA or to the speakers there. However, I am here to say Fuck You to anybody who tries to pigeon hole me and my beliefs and tells me what I can or cannot do as a feminist.

So, for all of you feminists and women out there who have been told you can't wear makeup and be a feminist, or have dirty sex if you're a feminist, or even shave your fucking legs. This is for you.

I didn't necessarily learn anything new about Feminism at the conference. However, I did learn a shit load of things about feminists.

Before I begin...I just need to make something clear. Since my original Gaping Vagina post, I've put a lot of thought into such things like stripping, and porn...things that are very much controversial subjects on their own, and especially in the feminist community.

I would just like to apologize to anyone who I've offended with that post. Not that I suddenly think that stripping or pornography are empowering...but I know that there are a lot of fabulous women out there who are a lot more, um, open about their sexuality than I, and sometimes their behaviour can be confused with being GV, when really, they're actually making informed decisions about their life and their sexuality, and it's not my place to judge them and say that I know better than them.

I'll go more into this in another post. Not to say I retract everything in my GV post, because I sure as fuck don't. I just know that I've opened my eyes a little bit, and am trying to be less judgemental about stuff.

So. I have heard lots of talk about how the older, "hardcore feminists" can be a *bit* judgemental of us third wavers, for many many reasons, (think lipstick, heels, and raunch culture) and I'm sad to report, the Feminist and Women's Studies Alliance conference confirmed whatever rumours I had heard.

I sat through an hour of pointless jabber about how women are objectified in advertising, because clearly, none of us had ever thought about that before. Or taken a fucking class about it.

But, I was trying to be open and patient of The Sisterhood...but then the woman speaking about about women in advertising said that she didn't think the"This is What a Feminist Looks Like" t-shirt campaign was "effective" because only "certain types" of women would wear that.

Certain types meaning Ashley Judd or those who are young and what society says is "pretty".

That statement really pissed me off, especially considering it came from a woman who looked like a stereotypical feminist. Sorry, but there are feminists who have short hair and don't wear makeup; that's not a secret and that's where the stereotype came from. And let's be honest, the reason she didn't think it was "effective" was because if a woman with clear characteristics of what a feminist is said to look like, and she wears that specific shirt, it wouldn't be effective, would it? It's like, "No shit you're what a feminist looks like."

However, because there is that stereotype, women of color, who are young, or old, or have long hair, or look anything other than a white, middle aged, short haired member of the upper-middle class and are  wearing a shirt that declares in big, bold letters THIS IS WHAT A FEMINIST LOOKS LIKE is pretty damn affective.

There's a reason everyone paid attention to Ashley Judd when she wore that shirt, because to the rest of the world, she didn't look like a feminist.

Moments after that comment was made, a rather irritatingly perky professor from the back of the room stood up and said, "I find it very discouraging that my female students read magazines and go shopping after one of my women's studies classes".

In response to the woman's *concern*, a younger feminist that was speaking about outdoor advertisement in Australia at the conference, responded by saying, ""Well, that's what I do on my lunch breaks, as well..." but she seemed to go unheard.

Unheard because a woman who was as intelligent and as well spoken as she was couldn't POSSIBLY read Marie Claire on her break.  Because that would make her one of those sheep-like idiot girls that are ruining everything, and completely cancel out what she said.

After learning about how degrading advertisements can be against women - I know, you're shocked right now aren't you! It's true! They are! - I'm sad to say, I was just a little pissed off.

I already felt as though I stood out like a sore thumb: American, probably the youngest one there, and I soon discovered, probably the most "uneducated" person in the whole conference:

I met a very nice German professor who, after asking me where I was from (to which I said "California" and then quickly realized she was expecting me to say, "Yale.") then asked me,

"So, what is your paper on?"

"My who?"

"Your paper."

"Oh. No. I don't have a paper..."

"So you're not speaking?"

"Oh no!  I'm just hear to listen! Learn! To be a sponge!...Are you speaking?"

"Oh yes, I'm doing a bllaaahh blaaaah confusing blaaaaaah speech on theory of blaaaaaaah."

"...OH!."

It then became very obvious I was in a room of academics and scholars, and was more than likely, the only person without a college degree there.

Next was presentation from the keynote speaker Pamela Church Gibson, who provided us with the most awkward and blatant disapproval of younger feminists (and perhaps any feminist that wasn't an academic or a scholar). Apparently I should "have undoubtedly heard of or read her" but because I'm an uneducated, makeup wearing FOOL of a feminist, I had no idea who she was.

I quickly learned that she is an incredibly dynamic, articulate woman, with a half thousand credentials, but who is also completely frightening. She spoke with such conviction, that it was easy to just listen to her voice or her witty jokes, and ignore the true context of what she was saying.

She also did this irritating thing where, because she's quite aware of her precence in the room and how comanding her voice is, she'd interrupt herself and say,

 "And if anyone disagrees with me, PLEASE, speak up. I would LOVE to hear from you!" And everyone would laugh, and she'd say, "No, really. I would! PLEASE DO."

aka: "I DARE YOU to disagree with! I welcome you to challenge THE POWER that is PAMELA. I will put you to SHAME, child. Shame. BRING IT! WHAT!"

Aside from using distracting clips from Mean Girls and Bring it On she used to show how Hollywood is trying to be feminist (ahahahaha), this quote from her stuck out in my mind the most:

"In Oxford, you know, where I live, I look out my window at night, and see these drunk young girls out in the streets, getting arrested. And I can't help thinking to myself, is this what I marched to Take Back The Night for? No. It's not."

While her statement wasn't meant to be harmful, I think it just reeked of her disgust for younger women, and younger  feminists. She might as well have said, "Look what you're doing with this freedom I gave you, you ungrateful cow!"

Apparently marching for freedom so women could walk freely at night without fear of rape means that we're only allowed to behave as those before us would have wished. Not that drinking until you turn into a belligerent asshole and start raving in the street about your ex and wind up getting arrested is a great idea, but I'm more than positive not everyone does that.

Granted, she did follow her statement up with, "Well, I'm not saying that you can't drink." But clearly, we're only supposed to drink as much as they say is okay. I suppose a thimble of gin and tonic is acceptable.

Was there a big, international feminist meeting where our foremothers handed out codes of dress and conduct booklets? Did I miss that?

Yet, despite all this crazy feminist talk, apparently Pamela thought it was cool to talk about the breast size of the FWSA member who introduced her, in front of the entire audience.

Now the FWSA member who introduced her was young, and blond, and yet despite her conservative sense of style, she couldn't hide the fact that she -MY GOD- had tits.

Let's face it, when you're over a B cup, it's sort of difficult to hide your breasts. And really, why the fuck should we have to disguise the fact that our we have "dirty pillows"?

When the Busty Lady mentioned something in passing about breast implants and plastic surgery, Ye Old Powerful Pamela pshawed, and said: "Oh honey, you don't need that. Trust me."

Not that the woman was saying she did need breast enhancement surgery, she was simply just talking about it. But I guess it's okay for Pamela to point out the fact that she has boobs.

'Scuse me for asking, but, like, isn't that the sort of comment that if a man made in the same context, we'd burn him at the stake?

What I found amazing, was despite hearing a woman who we're apparently all supposed to look up to, say something like that, a woman had the nerve to speak up, and quite angrily announce,

"Actually, I don't know why we're so keen on blaming that, a lady at the back of the room still  women, and making women accountable. We should be holding The Men accountable."

Yes. Because clearly, women are treating themselves and each other so well. You're right. It is just The Men's fault.

...Fuck off.

By the end of Friday's session, I was feeling more than a little preached at, and as if I should be apologizing for being born after 1970; like I should have skipped lunch and gone to Boots instead to buy some makeup remover.

Or perhaps I should be even taking it a step further, and should have started asking around for the the name of a good plastic surgeon to help me get a new, less socially acceptable face.

Bitching aside, I really do think the FWSA have truly genuine intentions.

However, for an organization that declares: "Whatever your Feminism, you'll find growing networks or dedicated researchers and activists with membership in the Feminst and Women's Studies Association" on their posters, you'd think they'd be a little less, I dunno, judgemental and preachy.

"Whatever your feminism" my ass.

 It would be one thing if it was an association exclusive to scholars or professors, but its not, and they claim to be so welcoming. Not so "elitists".

Perhaps I chose the wrong sessions to go to, or had too high of expectations. But I highly doubt it.

 I went in with an open mind, and was left feeling like I could never be feminist enough for almost all of the women in that room.

What worried me, as well, is that no one ONCE brought up abortion. Or women's rights. Or equal pay. Aren't these things a little important? How about how analyzing why these things aren't really discussed within pop culture?

But no. Let's sit around talking about Chick Lit and why Kirsten Dunst feeling about how her old cheer leading captain stole the other squad's dance moves in Bring It On represents how Hollywood warming up to feminism. Jesus. CHRIST.

While I do know that feminist scholars and academics do serve a role and are important in feminism, (or so I'm guessing) I just can't help but wonder if the money we all spent to attend the conference, eat mini-spring rolls, and sit around listening to a bunch of white women discuss obscure feminist theories, wouldn't have been more useful going to organizations like Planned Parenthood.

Instead of congratulating each other on have 5 different credentials after your name and discussing how mad Paris Hilton makes us...why not fucking DO something?

Is writing an extensive paper on a theory to get your PhD really doing something?

I'm not saying that it isn'tt...I'm just not entirely sure it is.

Yvonne Tasker, another keynote speaker, explained how the military spends unbelievable amounts of time and effort in designing the female soldiers uniforms to look just the right amount of "feminine" (read: just the right amount of tit), and I couldn't help but wonder how the second wavers seemed to have a problem with female soldiers being made to hide their curves, yet think a young feminist doing anything other than taping down her chest, and, god forbid, showing a bit of

cleavage, is exploitive.

I've heard the argument way too many times that young feminists who buy make-up, read women's magazines, and go shopping, are buying into the institutions that want to keep women in subservient roles.  As one male commenter on Dollymix said to me, "So, how is your perusal of those magazines or your shopping in those fashionable boutiques challenging that?" Wow! Excellent generalizations there, smartass!

Not all of us who "shop", are buying Dior or Kate Moss for Topshop, or are even shopping in "fashionable boutiques".

We're not obsessing in front of the mirror and telling ourselves we're ugly, just because we're putting on makeup. (Or trying to look like Barbie, for that matter.)

We're not eating salads or drinking water because we're anorexic, or throwing up our meals afterwards. I don't have gym membership because I think I'm not worthy of love, unless I'm a size 4. I do it to stay mentally and physically healthy because HEY! endorphins are good for you.

Not all of us who do things that "don't challenge women's roles", are idiots, or don't know what we're doing.

I know why I wear makeup. I know why I've dieted in the past, and I know why I've stopped. Just because many feminists my age enjoy high heels and lipstick, doesn't mean that we're not doing a TON of positive things for feminism along the way.

We're not fucking stupid, and just because we're doing something that other feminists, or men, disagree with doesn't make us wrong, and it doesn't mean that you "know better" than us.

And while I'm at it, let's talk women's magazines real fast.

Sometimes when I go to the store, I want to buy a magazine. Unfortunately , most supermarkets don't carry Bust or Bitch or How To Not Me a Bad Feminist Magazine. What do they have? Heat! Hello! Marie Claire! Cosmopolitan!

Most of the time, I'll chose Timeout, but really, if I were to buy Marie Claire, my brain isn't going to start melting, and I'm not going to suddenly stop what I'm doing, rush to the toilet and throw up my lunch because of the advertisements that *objectify women*.

I doubt other women who consider themselves feminists are doing that either.

A lot of us do know better, and rarely buy those shit piles of advertisements and lame advise known as women's magazine. But you CANNOT TELL ME that I'm killing feminism by buying one.

People and "real" feminist generalizing and saying that feminist who wear makeup, shop, and read those magazines aren't challenging the institutions that want to keep women subservient, are dead fucking wrong. Wrong because it suggests that we're just blindly going through our lives and aren't making informed decisions; wrong as it just further perpetuates female stereotypes, and stereotypes about feminists.

But I guess if we're not being subservient to the likes of Cosmopolitan and Girls Gone Wild, our only other option would be to pigeon hole ourselves and be subservient to the traditional feminist values of our foremothers and academic feminists.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The original and work friendly version of this post can be found over at Dollymix:

Part One
Part Two
Part Three

I know there are some that believe that because I call certain types of women Gaping Vaginas, or Stupid, that I'm an insensitive hypocrite or a "bad feminist". That I'm putting down women by talking badly about certain types of women.

However, I'm actually quite a fan of women.

That is why I spend hours and hours of my life, every single day, examining "women's issues",  trying to find positive examples for women; why I try to immerse myself in all things that promote healthy and empowering lifestyle choices for women.

Blindly telling people, "You go girl! You're empowered!" no matter what they do, isn't exactly being supportive of women. Do we all know what an enabler is?

Sometimes we need to criticize each other. We need to lift up the women who are kicking ass. The way we kick ass doesn't all have to look alike, but there need to be some major lifestyle and behavior choices that need to be axed. Ya know, like flashing your vagina to the world for a living, or weighing as much as a 4th-grader when you're a 25-year-old woman that stands at 5'10" for the sake of fashion.

Life is fucking hard. And its even harder when you're a women who allows herself  to be bogged down by stereotypes, glass ceilings, and society's stupid ass rules.

To an extent, I think everyone, male or female is affected by such things.

However, aside from all of the frustrations from GVs and the women who seem to revel in their own self-indulgent, stereotyped-chaos...

 There are some fabulous women out there who lead such empowering lifestyles that they just leave me in an awestruck state of appreciation, envy, and inspiration.

These women that just seem to be light years away from the place I'd like to be. In fact, they're so fabulous, that I the best way I know how to describe them sometimes is "put-together".

But what does "well put-together" mean?

For my own definition, it means many different things. I've always looked up to women who have a "set up". This may mean that they have a lot of accessories, a strong sense of style, a lot of handy-dandy-gadgets. That X-factor. When I was younger I probably envied one of my peers that had a well decorated binder, and a set of matching gel pens. (Remember them? Oh man. Gel Pens.)

It's not that I'm just in awe of women who have material things - it goes deeper than that.

If they have a moleskin journal obsession, it may not be just because they like to buy the most expensive journals, but because she's a writer, and she feels the most inspired to write when she has a quality notebook.

 And the reason she has such an nice pen collection, is because she'll only write in black ink, and writes so much that she goes through pens like most go through chewing gum.

The women with the most eclectic accessories may not just be a fashionista, but owns so many different pieces of fantastic looking jewellery because she's a photographer who travels to the most exotic of locations, and has made a tradition of buying one piece of jewellery from every city she visits.

My own personal admiration of women who have lots of accessories, or a well organized, vintage handbag is because I believe it shows depth.

A story.

Having a crap load of lip glosses and a Nicole Richie inspired sunglasses collection may not exactly have a story to it, other than the fact that you're IRRITATING.

There are so many women, who just have these amazing stories, and endearing quirks, and talents:

They have cute glasses, and curly hair, and have an impeccable sense of style.

They bake. They create.

They speak French and make fucking furniture with their BARE HANDS.

They cook food and write about how it touches and fits into their lives about it so eloquently...

They start a blog, and then end up writing screen plays, and TV shows with Steven Spielberg.

These women, and women like them, are not people to be jealous of.

Why do we expend so much energy being jealous of "well put together women", when we could be inspired by them?

Why are we so quick to hate someone and be jealous of them, when we could just learn from them?

At the same time, I'm sure any of the women I've mentioned, and ones I haven't because they don't exactly have a link, may say, "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't 'have it together'."

From the outside looking in, perhaps most of us appear to have our shit together and be on the ball about stuff. Do I think I do?

Sort of.

I think I've got most of my 'internal shit' (literally, and not so literally) together: I understand my emotions very well. My relationship, my relationship with my family members and in-laws, my relationship with myself and my body image...These are all things that I've put as my top priority. I don't have any lurking demons in my emotional closets. Sure I have normal issues and a pain in the ass depressive disorder that I deal with on a pretty regular basis...

But I feel that since I've given all of that inside crap priority over everything else, I haven't really developed a lot of the other stuff that I want to...

And because I don't quite have all of the trimmings of the other women I see to be "put together", then I must not be.

Do I have moleskin journals?

Can I make a fucking table and chairs?

CAN I ADAPT THE RECIPE FOR "GREEN LENTIL SOUP WITH COCONUT MILK AND WARM SPICES" FROM ONCE UPON A TART AND MAKE IT MY OWN?

NoOoooOooo!

Is that a ridiculous thought?

Definitely.

Especially considering I know that nobody's happiness can be identical to someone else's.

But when I'm going through a stressed-out funk where I feel like I need more substance in my life, I start to compare and notice things about the other people I see who seem to have shit loads of substance in their life. And then I start to notice that, hey, they bake. They spend time doing projects for their home to increase how much they like being at home. They manage to buy incredible clothes for cheap. They can speak 3 languages...

Some of it is just me being too hard on myself.

But, then again, I think there are parts of that way of thinking that are positive, especially considering that, in the past, the idea of doing anything Houswife related or something that "women should do" gave me a small panic attack.

I seem to have grown up a bit.

And I don't think its a coincidence that most of the women I find myself so in awe of tend to have hobbies and do things that I, myself, am intimidated by. Is the reason I've made jokes about housewives and knitters in the past because they do something I can't? Probably. That's some of the reasoning behind it. I can admit that.

I can also admit that I'm trying to be a bit more open. Learn. Learn from other women. Listen. Take a risk and try something new, accepting that I may not be perfect at it. (**Blood curdling scream**)

I'm learning to be a better cupcake Cate, which, in turn, makes me a better woman.

So, I tip my hat to all of you fabulous women out there.

You scare me. You intimidate me.

Your hair is better than mine. (You bitch. Did I just say that? I didn't mean it. Swear. I didn't mean it.)

And the best part is, I don't hate you for it.

No jealousy here, ladies. Just admiration.

YOU GO, GIRL!!!!

The past month has brought up a lot of generally shitty stuff in the Land O' Blogs.

The online attacks and threats against female bloggers Kathy Sierra and Devious Diva lead to the Blogging Code Of Conduct proposal by Tim O'Reilly, that either pissed a lot of people off, or had them nodding in agreement.

There's a division brewing in the so-called *blogosphere*, and I hate to say it, but even here on Vox.

In any community, there are fights, and lies, and snarky comments, and the fur will occasionally fly.

And obviously, everybody knows that on in social networking and in online communities, these are byproducts of having more than 3 people connected, and this shit will happen.

However, communities are not just formed of crazy outsiders, Others, or random folks. They're made of US. It's our own personal responsibility to TAKE responsibility and own up to what we say and do online. The emails we send. The comments we leave.

Some try to cop out and say,"Well, it's the Internet. Things happen so quickly and everything's so instant, it's hard to think fully about what we're saying before we post it." Sorry, but no one's holding a fucking water pistol to your head, forcing you to press 'Post' other than yourself. And because everything is so instant, maybe that should cause us to think even harder about what we're saying.

However, the truth of the matter is, our once small community is growing. Rapidly. We're all starting to deal with the "Check out my awesome band!!1!" messages and are learning that if you're going to post a bitch fest about one of your *haters*, chances are, somehow, some way, they will either read it or hear about it. It's the internet, not a fucking Hello Kitty diary you keep hidden under your mattress.

Just because you have the legal right to say whatever you want, doesn't always mean that you SHOULD.

I'm sure all of us have had to learn, at one point or another, to grow thicker skin, or learn to not take every bad thing someone says about us personally.

As O'Reilly said: "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it."

Bottom line, we all need to take the efforts into making Vox and the entire blogosphere a FUN, inspiring, proactive, SAFE, respectful and a free place to express ourselves and share our lives online.

Not everyone is going to get along or agree, but as bloggers and writers, we need to own our words. We also need to OWN our blogs.

This is exactly what the Take Back The Blog! blogswarm is about.

It's about OWNING respect, and the freedom to express yourself online safely, without having to worry about extreme harassment and threats online.

It's about taking YOUR blog back. Back from all the dramatic melodrama bullshit, and getting your blog back to what YOU want it to be about.

Bruce from Crablaw has organized this kick as blogswarm, and is hosting Take Back The Blog!

Bruce says that Take Back the Blog is in support of:

"The rights of women to participate fully in all aspects of our society, including specifically online in the world of blogging but indeed everywhere and at all times, day and night, without fear of harassment, intimidation, sexual harassment, online stalking and slander, or predation or violence of any sort."

Can I get a fuck yes?

Take Back The Blog! is taking place this Saturday, April 28th.

If you're wondering what the fuck a "blogswarm" is, The Lazy Iguana has the best definition:

"A 'blogswarm' is when a bunch of people blog about the same crap ON PURPOSE! It is a premeditated thing, as opposed to the usual randomness that tends to rule the Internet. Order from chaos. Entropy. Call it whatever you want."

For full details, please read Bruce's post over at Crablaw.

This isn't even just about WOMEN and WOMEN'S RIGHTS. This is about all of us, and how we're going to shape the safety and the future of blogging.

I'd go all P.Diddy on you and threaten "Post or Die!" but that may be sort of defeating the purpose of this entire thing...

**UPDATE** I just came across this article today called:  "Is your self-worth wrapped up in your blog", and I think it brings up an excellent point, and touches on some issues that I've read throughout Vox.

This is THE! BEST! THING! I've seen in a very, very long time.

For those of you who are offended by words such as "Penis", or "Vagina", or people talking about sex in a very frank way...or phrases such as "they penis is on fire" I highly recommend that you do not watch this video.

Just don't do it. For your sake and mine.

However, if you'd like to embark on the journey that is the Alexyss Tylor Show, and enjoy her discussions about men, 'they penises', and her theories on women, sex and relationships...please turn up your volume (or put on headphones if you're at work), and press play.

It's magical.

*Gloriously discovered at Feministing.com

A'ight Foo's.

I know you think I'm the laziest Bride in all tarnation for not mo'bloggin' my wedding, or posting pictures already...

And well, yes, you would be right.

And, all of our wedding photos are in Iain's mum's digital camera... I'll try to get some emailed to me soon so you can all stare at the magical fluff of polka dots that was my dress.

My other excuse is that, well, I haven't really felt like writing about it yet. It was lovely, and romantical, and yes, I did blubber and cry.

It was basically perfect...other than the gale force winds, my "special occasion" zits, the rain, my period, and the fact that the curling iron my mom sent me to do my hair had the wrong voltage so it was either chance it and possibly die, or have straight hair.

I had straight hair.

But, we are married. I'm "wifey" he's "hubaby" and so far we still have a sex life.

We didn't have our own soppy "You are the wind beneath my wings, and I will always love you" vows.

We walked down the aisle together to Etta James' "At Last"...

During our signing of our marriage certificate Glen Miller's "Star dust" played...And we walked out to "These Are The Days" by Sugarland.

Fuck yes, we took our "first steps as man and wife" to a country song...in England.

I'm not really sure how to do it justice and "give details"...It was really nice. It was a nice day. We had a really fun, drunk weekend in Brighton.

We had pizza on our wedding night, along with copious amounts of vodka...

Iain bought me some fucking kick ass ear muffs, and the ketchup bottle of my dreams...All in all, it was fabulous.

I just feel weird writing about our wedding. I don't have words to describe how special and memorable it was. I feel strangely private about it, almost. I haven't really talked about it...But that's kind of how I am. If I'm happy about something I like to hold it in for a while, and think, and mull it over, and treasure it and keep it private and safe.

I may never burst out with tons of details, or I may. Actually, I'm surprised at how much I've written so far, lol.

But what I can tell you how "married life" feels...

It feels THE SAME.

It's exciting to be able to call each other "husband" or say "Dude...We're married." and giggle at my new last name like we're kids faking being adults and playing house...

It feels the same as when you finally are "official" and can say "this is my totally awesome boyfriend!!" when introducing the guy you've been shagging for the past 2 months to your friends...

I don't feel like "OMFG! Finally". We didn't burst into the hotel throwing confetti with "Just Married" signs on our backs screaming "We're NEWLY-WEDS! We're in LOVE!".

I don't feel more committed. I don't feel more secure, or in love, or loved, or safer in our relationship.

At the same token I don't just think it's a piece of paper...I think it's a nice ceremony and represents a lovely idea that should be taken seriously, but not too seriously or weighed with heavy expectations that it will transform, better, or worsen your relationship.

I don't think being married makes me an "expert" or a person of superiority when it comes to the concept of marriage.

The day after we got married, Iain and I talked for a long time about the word "wife".

When I think of what being a wife means to me...I picture Iain and I through our years together, being down at the pub. Growing older and older, but still the same. Still drunk, still horny, but wiser and even closer. I think of the comical yet realistic image of me as a mother. I picture our first home.

However.

The word WIFE....

Through the media, in society, culturally, and traditionally the word WIFE has taken on a really shitty connotation.

For example....

"Do you mind if my girlfriend comes down to the pub with us?"

Sounds a lot different than....

"Do you mind if my wife comes down to the pub with us?"

From what I've experienced, none of the married men in my social circle bring their WIVES along places. You'll see girlfriends, or people that they're shagging, but not their wife?

Why is that?

"WIFE" brings up this image of the bitter ball in chain who doesn't want their husband going out with his friends a lone because she's insecure and jealous and needs to be included so he doesn't have to leave early, be on his mobile the entire time, or "get in trouble with THE WIFE" when get stumbles home...

Your girlfriend will nag, or come along and have fun...But your wife?

 WIFE?

How many times do you hear that word and words associated with it, drip with negativity, and disgust?

"Yeah, ya know, cuz THE WIFE"

"I better go, gonna hear it from THE WIFE"

"The old ball and chain"

"The Missus"

"It's probably his WIFE."

"Yeah, I don't think he can because of his WIFE."

Somewhere in the twisted roots of women being obsessed with marriage, men not wanting to get married, high divorce

rates, sexless marriages, Hera and Eve; the word 'wife' became tainted, and now doesn't seem to carry much honor or holiness in society, does it?

Of course the same can be said for marriage, but, for fuck sake I'm not getting paid to write a novel, here.

There are times when "husband" doesn't sound so great, as well...

"Oh I have to go or my husband will get mad..."

"Oh I can't, I'll have to ask my husband, first...."

But I don't think "husband" holds nearly such a negative connotation, socially and stereotypically, as the word "wife" does.

Quite frankly it pisses me off.

What's a "wife"?

Why the fuck are wives portrayed so badly?

Aside from the obvious Desperate Housewives bullshit, there are plenty of other "wife" stereotypes that are portrayed in the media, and pushed upon women in real life scenarios.

You have the "frumpy, dowdy wife" that wants her husband to stay home more, and be there for the kids, even though she doesn't really love him.

The "Mommy wife" who just cares about her children, the PTA, and wants a passionless, picture perfect marriage. This would be the same stereotypical wife that is too perfect and "motherly" to have sex with, and therefore the husband has no choice but to have an affair.

Then there's the "slutty wife" -or WILF- who cheats and fucks all of her hubby's friends...

Or the "gold digging wife".

The "corporate wife".

The "trophy wife".

The "pregnant all the time with 7 kids wife".

.The women of my generation idolize the Carrie Bradshaws and Bridget Joneses of the world....

Single girls who are FABULOUS at being single and hopeless at relationships. They're funny and look good...Why, they're just like us!

But society and the media fail to address the question of:

Can you be fabulous when you're no longer a girlfriend, but a WIFE?

Where is our healthy, intelligent, Carrie Bradshaw-esque, happily married wife?

...No where.

That doesn't make good television, tabloids, or stories. She's boring. What's exciting about that?

Nope. We need XTREME WIVES!

Jessica Simpson! (divorced and stoopid)

Britney Spears! (perpetually knocked up, married to a losah, and now divorced.)

Victoria Beckham! (WAG. 'Too Posh To Push'. Surgically enhanced, talentless, twig of a woman who doesn't appear to have a motherly bone in her fragile, frigid, frame.)

And do I really need to go into what's wrong with Desperate Housewives? (The TV show people, oy. I'm not going there again.)

No WONDER every one on my friends (except my one married friend) have such a fucking ugly idea of what marriage is. I'm not claiming to know, as I haven't been married a week, but FUCK there are no examples??!??

I used to think marriage was the stupidest concept in the world. And according to the impressions society gives us about being a "wife"...Why would we want to go and ruin our lives with all that?

There are some great examples of kick ass Moms out there...Like Heather and Kristen....

But wives that don't have children, but are happy, fulfilled, and in a healthy, loving relationship?

Uuuuhhhhmmmm....They must exist? Why can I not think of any?

I refuse to let the negative "wife" connotations ruin my ideas of what being a wife means.

I believe it takes more than one person to change a stereotype. However, I'm going to bust my ass to bring "wifey" back.

Yeah, I'll be the lone wife at the pub. The lone wife in my social group....

But for fuck sake, Iain and I are going to prove that wife CAN and IS a good word.

It is a word to be proud of... 

And as a former marriage/wife hater I'm realizing that you can change your own rules by not being intimidated by labels or doing something that can be brushed aside by others as "selling out" or "buying in" to something.

I am a wife. I am married. I have a husband.

I am not a stereotype. I am not defined by a label.

I don't cook because I don't enjoy it yet, and my husband likes to. I make choices based on my personal morals or beliefs, not through fear that the choice I'm making will not align with the traditional guidelines of a label I have branded myself with.

I am wife, hear me burp.

Hi y'all!

Really, I'll have a less "fluffy" post tomorrow...But until then I'm swimming in the excitement and glory or personalized banners and VOX GROUPS.

I started my own little group here: The Anti GV Movement.

I've sent out some invites, but it's hard to know who is who without your cute little pictures next to your name....

It's public, whoever would like to join is welcome! Any posts or photos you have that are relevant, no matter how far back they go in your archives, add it to the group!

Wooop!

Gaping Vaginas of the world, greetings.

We haven't really talked in a while. 

I've documented you here in "The Vagina Blogs". 

And also here, here, and MY GOD! Take a real hard look at the first part of this little ditty.

I even wrote about you HERE, GV.

It's like we have our own little blog affair going on!

So, don't go gettin' all butt hurt when you read this.

I've got a big ass tag with your name on it,  STUPID GIRL...

We've had a long, troubled road, GV. You've had it comin'.

So wipe that innocent, shocked look off of your lycra, thong laden face and listen up.

Girls, get your shit together.

I'm not saying this to hurt your sensitive little heart, stomp on your soul, or tamper with your fragile ego...But really?

COME ON.

Now, look, "Gaping Vagina" isn't the greatest name for you, I know. It's not PC. And it automatically gives a negative connotation to the word "Vagina". However, I feel that you, in turn, are giving all the real women out there a bad name with your pathetic antics, so let's just revel in the irony, okay?

So, for those of who are not a GV, or are just to blind to see that you are, let me explain.

Gaping Vagina: (gae-PING vah-JI-nah) noun / plural - ji-NAZ / abbr: GV 

1. a person, usually a woman, who behaves in a manner comparable to that of a twat, and of an idiotic, bitchy nature. The term, in this definition, is reference to a "vagina of large size" implying that the GV behaves, also, in  the way a "slut" or "Hooker" would. The Gaping Vagina will stop at nothing to receive the pathetic amount of gratification it needs for it to feel satisfied. It will cheat, imitate, lie, and steal to reach a false sense of satisfaction and their overwhelming need to be adored. The GV pays not attention to those who do not present a direct benefit to their selfish wants and desires. 

2.a person, okay a woman, who has no real thoughts, ideas or opinions of her own. In this definition, the term Gaping Vagina implies that the woman is acting like "a pussy", slang for  "cowardly" and "without courage". The GV enjoys what everyone else likes, and is so scared of not being liked, that it cannot reveal its true self. The GV will follow, and mimic. Whatever works for everyone else, works for them, too. They are a blind follower, and GV1's biggest fan. 

Synonyms: twat, cunt, Paris Hilton 

Now, GV1, what the hell happened to a self respect?

You hide behind your "I'm just one of the boys" act.

Why can't you be more proud of the fact that not only are you a woman  but you're a smart woman.

I'm not just talking about the fucking morons on TV and in your US Weekly or HELLO!

I've been disgusted with this for a long time. I don't think it's just up to celebrities, and authors, and actresses to portray what a real woman should be.

WE, you and I, make up the REAL world. The world that we all have to play nice with each other in.

 I'm talking about the adult women in my life, in your life, and all across the fucking world who apparently that can't get their shit together.

They can't get their shit together to respect themselves, get their life in order, and be a good wife, sister, daughter, mother, or friend 

Not even a friend to them self.

I'm talking about GVs in the workplace, online, in your personal life, in your face, in your ears, and fucking with your head.

What the is wrong with you, GV?

Why are you so obsessed with competition, and acceptance, and attention? Why are you willing to do whatever it takes to get that sad gratification from someone giving you a pat on the back or inviting you out for drinks next Thursday.

You are exclusive, not inclusive. You have half hearted friendships that are only based on your pathetic need to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

You smile at everyone, but don't have the balls enough to snarl.

You must be liked. You must get invited everywhere. You can't miss anything, you need to know everything, and you need to know more, and be better, hotter, funnier, thinner, bustier, and smarter than EVERYONE.

Your friends. Your "best friend" (all 34 of them). Your family. Your coworkers. Your acquaintances.

If there is someone out there in your radar that is "competition" in your eyes the Green Lights go flashing and you zone in:

There's a fresh one. A live one

. Someone naive to your trickery and lies.

She must know that you are higher than her.

Or that you think she's so awesome.

You pose as a follower, or a leader, whichever works best with her. You smile. You giggle.

You have SO MUCH in common.

Best friends!

But the guys like her better. She's smarter than you are. 

And why is she so funny? Gawd. Why aren't YOU that funny? Why doesn't everyone laugh at YOU like THAT?

That bitch.

So you become more like her.

Not just friends with similarities. You take whatever she does, sex it up and dye it "envy emerald green", and pass it off as your own.

My god you try hard. And you're sneaky, not everyone sees.

You're like the female Gollum.  Except you drink Gin and Tonic instead of live, raw fish...

You've got a split personality so deranged you don't even know what your real name is anymore. 

(It's Sméagol! SHMEEGLE! SHHHMMEEEGGGLLLEEE!!!!!)

Your laugh becomes louder. Your shirt gets tighter and lower. Your skirts rise up while your dignity plunges.

Why are you suddenly sipping pink cosmos instead of your usual one olive martini? 

But you're just one of the guys, right? So we can't get mad at you if you hug our boyfriends just a little too close and a little too long because,

A) Oh my god, we're like brother and sister! Do you really think I LIKE your BOYFRIEND? EW!

B) That's just the way I am. I'm naturally flirty.

C) I'm so innocent and lovable. Everyone just loves me, so you better not say anything bad about me.

It's near fucking impossible to call a GV on their bullshit, and if you do she'll claim you're just "threatened" by her or she'll pull the "I'm Sensitive" card and make it seem like your the jealous bitch.

You're a smart one, GV. You're crafty.

But you could be so much smarter if you would just would put all of the energy you're spending manipulating and coning others, into yourself.

From the bible one of my absolute favorite books, Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy, comes the quote,

"Why is it still the case that if we have a series about women on television, it has to be about their bodies and sexuality?"

Yes, sexuality and our bodies are a big part of who we are, but that is not all we are.

We all know this, right? Or were you sick the day they went over that in school?

Why is it that if women want to be popular or stand out, there are so many of us that will still mock society's rules and put breasts before brain? 

And why is it when so many women are losing, and their success and popularity is on the line, they panic and, ,

 "Um, ah, Um...God..Wow, I'm uh. So, erm...Geez. TITS! Me so horny! Look at me guys! I'm liberated and sexual! You like me! You liiiiiiike meeee!"

Don't have the wits or the energy to 'win' any other way?

Hey! Be slutty! It seems to work for everyone else!

But you're not being a stereotype or anything, oh no, because you're what Ariel Levy would call, "A 'loophole woman', an exception in a male-dominated field [or group] whose presence supposedly proves its penetrable."

You're sexy! You're putting you and your sexuality out there because "that's just how you are". You have guts! You're so crazy! Right?

In Susan Brownmiller's words,

"You think you're being brave, you think you're being sexy, you think you're transcending feminism. But that's bullshit."

And it is bullshit. And the women around you that you try so hard in every which way imaginable to "beat" and "use" and "be like" will look at you like how I LOOK AT YOU.

And that is with a disapproving, raised eye brow, as I take a sip of my double, Absolut Better-Than-You cocktail and think to myself, "What a god damn Gaping Vagina."

As will every single other woman, and hopefully, man in your life because it is too difficult to keep up all those lies and shows at once. You will burn your own bridges. They will from both ends and turn to ash.

I just hope by the time you are stranded on your own lonely island with nothing but a bunch of fishnets and "Lip Venom" left will you have finally figured out what your problem is?

Or will we have a new TV program called "GV and the Island" where you sit on your laptop and video blog about the trials and tribulations of masturbation and how horny you are all by yourself on that god damn island.

And as for the Gaping Vaginas in Definition #2 (GV2) ....

Stop being so fucking scared of everything! Stop being afraid people won't like you, or you'll make people mad.

GV, why must you just jump on the bandwagon and throw caution to the wind?

Don't you realize we can see how awkward and out of place you are, standing there in someone else's skin?

Why are you sweet as Splenda to all of these people, just for the sake of being liked?

 You know who you are deep down, so why have you become such a fucking sell out?

These are the girls in your life that live to be exactly like their heroes, and exactly the same as their friends,

"Oh my god, I love Victoria Beckham because she's so beautiful. Oh wait....you don't like her? OH, yeah she's such a slut. So anorexic. Wait, you like her book?  OH! Me, too! It's so awesome. I love her clothes."

It is because of the 2nd type of GV that the 1st kind is so prevalent.

GV2 worships GV1.

GV1 feeds off of her because OH MY GOD SHE ADORES ME. She gives me all the attention I need!

The GV1 doesn't mind being copied because it is OH so flattering! She has a precious follower who buys into her bullshit.   

GV2 thinks GV1 is wonderful not because of HOW she gains attention and adoration, but simply because she HAS attention and adoration.

They mimic and copy anyone and everyone that the masses appear to like, without using judgment. People like them, therefore they must be good, right? 

For example...

• Paris Hilton.

She cannot sing. She is not intelligent. She is NOT sexy. She is famous for her sex tape, being stupid, and for being rich.(Did I mention her wonky eye?)

Why do girls try to be like her, dress like her, and fuck like her?

Aren't we over this? Over her? Why do so many girls still like her?

• "How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale" by Jenna Jameson

I find it hilarious that highly intelligent women out there, are reading and buying this book.

Do you realize you're reading an author who was simultaneously selling a best selling memoir, and a real life model of her "ass and vagina"  with complimentary bottle of lube at the same time?

 Inspiring? Impressive? Worthy of imitation and praise? Hardly.

• The "Girl With A One Track Mind" phenomenon.

This was actually the sex blog/book behind the "Vagina Blogs" post I linked to.

 Blunt sex talk. 

Where do you draw the line behind pornography and 'blunt sex talk'. You can be sexual. I'm sexual. I just don't really talk about my sex life. My choice. It's also your choice to talk about it. But I don't think you're talking about it because you want to. Or that's just "how you are". 

You're talking about it because you enjoy the hard-ons and wide-ons from your fellow GV friends and stupid followers get because of it.

I believe being sexy is the same as being funny.

It has to be subtle. It's an acquired taste. Not every technique or approach works for everyone all the time...but everyone is funny to somebody else out there.

When a joke is forced, obvious, and has to be explained, it's not funny.

When you have to constantly say, "See? Did you see what I did there? I'm mad I am!" that's not funny.

The same goes for sexiness.

And sexy isn't "So I was fucking this guy yesterday, god it was so fucking good. Oh my tits. Did I tell you about my tits?"

That's just stupid. That's the same kinda 'sexy; as porn: Hard. Cold. Emotionless.

Real 'sexy' is intimate. Passionate. Heat.

When a GV2 uses sex for attention, or tries to pass themselves off as being just "naturally sexual", it sounds and looks like a person with no rhythm attempting to do the tango. It doesn't fit. It's not natural, therefore, not sexy.  

Look, ladies.

Just because you are not willing to hop on the pathetic bandwagon that is the GV's way of life does not make you 'out of touch', or prudish.

Just like me calling out the GVs on their behavior doesn't make me jealous.

I LOL @ U!

I don't have a problem with anyone who flexes their freedom to CHOOSE and makes a CHOICE that I disagree with as long that it is based on honesty, truth, intelligence, and for them self!.

Be ORIGINAL.

Be HONEST.

You would not talk about your sex life, have your tits on display, or use overly sexual language if it didn't get you attention.

You would not befriend certain people if you didn't think their friendship, or associating yourself with their name, would get you somewhere higher than where you are.

Your vocabulary, choice of drink, choice of music, and persona alter, change and distort change simply depending on who is praising you with attention at the moment. 

STOP IT.

Not everything is a competition. 

Not everyone is out to get you.

Not every woman is jealous of you.

Just because not every woman likes you, isn't because they are jealous of the attention you are getting. It is not even because "girls just don't like other girls".

There are just some of us who work hard to be ourselves. We work and keep our eyes and tits focused and pointed on our own passions, goals, and our own lives.

You just have yours focused and pointed on everyone else, seeing if they're staring at yours. 

So, Miss.Gaping Vagina.

Stop faking it.

It's like, so much fuckin' hotter when it's, like, real and shit.