8 posts tagged “california”
I got back from California about a week ago.
Last week was hard.
It's hard to go to a place where, despite the face that your life isn't necessarily there anymore, you're comfortable.
You have a dishwasher and a tumble dryer. You know where everything is and could quite happily give directions to someone if they asked you where the closest bank is.
You go into a grocery store and you know where and what everything is.
You have a power shower and a bathroom with an actual counter top instead of just a free-standing sink.
You can get in the car and drive to you favorite Starbucks at 9:30 at night just because you can.
You can drive alone in a car with the windows down and your favorite radio station playing, and actually recognize every song that comes on.
I'm comfortable in California.
But it's not my home.
So, coming back to London, the place that has become my home - despite the fact that it's lacking the comfort and familiarity of my former home - is a bit hard to adjust to.
Aside from all my family and friends, California is not where I want and need to be.
I belong in England. I just do.
But that doesn't make it any easier to come back to a cold, damp flat when you've just been basking in the sun with your family and friends for 10 days.
I guess it's a catch 22.
I can have my career and my husband and a world of endless possibilities in a country that consists of a history and a culture that I love and am excited by...and be ever-so-slightly uncomfortable.
Whether it be because I still don't understand half of the pop culture references that people throw at me, or because because the bank system and mobile phone system is still a bit mind boggling to me, or because it's fucking cold and cloudy and rainy half the time...as soon as I feel like a Londoner or like I have fully adapted to living here, something else knocks me on my ass and I realize that while I have lived here for 2 and a half years and I lived in California for 20.
Last week, I had to deal with that The Great Adjustment.
Perhaps if I had to head into an office first thing the next day and throw myself right back into work this wouldn't be as much of an issue...but, there's that whole, "I'm freelance and run my own website and work from home" thing.
I've now been working from home for over 4 months.
For one of those, I was working my ass off trying to get another job.
For the past three of those, I've been working on my own project. Something that is completely self motivated.
I get up every morning to work on this project because I want to, and because I need to. Not because I have to. Technically, I don't have to do anything.
I could wake up at noon every day, throw out a post or two - if that - and then call it a day, if I wanted to.
If I wanted to, I could give up.
If I wanted to, I could take people up on the full time jobs they've offered me.
If I wanted to.
But I don't want to.
For as unstable as my financial situation has been, for as unstable as my emotions have been...this is what I want to be doing.
It's harder that I imagined.
The thing about being self motivated and working for yourself, is that you are self motivated. Working when you're feeling like absolute shit and are doubting everything your doing is impossible.
So, you have to pull yourself out of that, rise above it, and do whatever you can.
Otherwise, nothing would ever get done.
If I laid around having pity on myself and felt down about the fact that sometimes, I barely have enough money to buy a train ticket into London to attend a business meeting - nothing would ever get done.
I'm currently reading Russell Brand's book, My Booky Wook, and despite it's fucking ridiculous name, it's a brilliant read.
The past few weeks (months) have been pretty rough, and when I read this, it really opened up my eyes:
When it comes to your career, you must always try and allow the positive aspects of your character to dictate what happens to you. Be led by your talent, not by your self-loathing; those other things you just have to manage.
I suppose that's what I'm going to have to try to do.
Lead with my talent.
Lead with the good things about myself, and not my fear.
Not my self loathing. Not my doubt.
And not my bank account.
Hello my dears!
I have been beyond dreadful in updating this blog, and I apologize. There are many reasons behind this.
1. Up until September 10th when we left for California, I was worn out, tired, stressed, hateful, starving and exhausted. Many a douchebag was getting me down, and when it came to looking at a blank rich text editor, I just didn't know what to say. I've learned that if I want to talk shit about someone, I can't really do it here, plus, I don't want to turn this blog into just a neighborhood only rant.
2. See number 1.
So far on our "vacation" we have:
- Been on a private tour of the Sierra Nevada brewery in Chico
- Been out on my step dad's boat
- Took my mom to an urgent care clinic as she broke her toe when we were out on the boat
- Eaten mini corn dogs, macaroni and cheese, pizza in Davis, In 'n Out, Barq's Rootbeer, all the sourdough toast I can manage, and plan on going to Round Table tonight. (Obviously, I lost weight before I came here so I could eat...everything.)
I also almost have a tan going on, and am amazed my body can still produce one after being in London for the past two years and NEVER SEEING THE SUN. Seriously. I look at the weather forecast for London while sitting in my mom's sun room and nearly cry for my friends over there. 60 degrees and cloudy. It's shit. It really is. All you selfish bastards in California should be ashamed at how much sun you soak up. It's glutonous and shameful.
Also, while the economy may be shitty over here in California at the moment, you poor folks who have been laid off and can't afford the gas for you SUV should really look into bottling sunshine and selling it to the pale schmucks in the UK. Those puppies would sell like hotcakes. You'd be rich beyond your wildest dreams. It must be possible. Someone needs to figure it out.
Anyway.
Other than that, I've just been waking up before 8am every day, drinking a cup of coffee with that glorious Hazelnut Coffee Mate creamer, and working on BitchBuzz.
Last week was pretty exciting as on the 5th I was at Sky News
And on the 4th I was at BBC Radio
And then on the 8th I did an hour and a half's worth of recording for the second series of Generation Sex:
But, now, I'm just enjoying the Californian beer and sunshine...
Hope to see some of you at the BitchBuzz Karaoke Night on Saturday in SF!
Wow. How about I take forever to write about my trip back home?
Really. Seriously. I know I make false promises to you guys all the time like, "I swear I'll take more videos." and "I swear I'll blog more often." And then I go and shit all over the promise...but for some reason you forgive me. And it warms my little heart.
So, despite the fact that I lie to y'all left and right, I really do mean that I'll blog more this year. It's one of my new years resolutions that I know I won't break. I mean it. MEAN IT.
As far as the video goes...I just couldn't be bothered.I was going to video tape the surprise, but I knew my mom would cry...and then the thought of having a clip of my mom crying on YouTube just didn't sit well with me. So, alas. Hardly any video. But we do have some, mainly of me being lame and describing whatever bar/Starbucks we happen to be in at the time, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
Anyway. I'll just give you a quick run down of our Christmas.
*The Surprise - to say the least, my mom was shocked. SHOCKED. She cried. My sister cried. (But not before calling me an asshole.) We all cried. It was great.
*My Chihuahua remembered who I was!
*I made mulled wine for my family. Despite my step dad making it clear I didn't use enough CINNAMON STICKS, I think it went down well. And so did our terribly English mince pies from Tesco.
-Mimi's Cafe
-Mel's Diner
-Lori's Diner at SFO
-The Pyramid cafe at SMF
-Round Table Pizza x2
-In 'n Out (GRANDE Margarita!)
-Chiles
-Chevy's
-Coffees from infinite Starbucks
-An EXCELLENT bar in San Francisco
And other various goodies such as Chex Mix, Cheezits and a fuck load of Anchor Steam, Barq's Root Beer & Sierra Nevada.
How we haven't died from massive heart attacks, I'm not sure.
*I had an awesome time cuddling with my dogs, and sitting on my mom's couch watching shitty programs like Twister Sisters and Bridezillas. But that all got a bit boring after a while and we managed to slip away for a day to visit a very special couple of friends, for a very special pajama party. Needless to say, we had a wonderful time hanging out with them, and it kills me that we all don't live closer together.
Other than the good times we had in California, we had some not so good times trying to get back home. After 6 hours of waiting in the ridiculous airport that is Sacramento "International" Airport on New Years Eve, we realized the staff there completely lied to us about our flight that was delayed due to "snow in Chicago", and we missed our connecting flight from Chicago to Heathrow. So. I ended up calling my mom and asking her to come get us, and that we would have to leave for London the NEXT day.
So. We ended up spending New Years Eve on my mom's couch.
At last, we made it back to London, to the frost, the rain and our fucking cold ass apartment. But, to me London has become home. A concept that seems rather strange these days....
"Look what we do to your dog when we get bored. Wish you were here."
Aaaaaaand we're back!
I really don't even know where to start...
We just got back yesterday, we're super jet lagged, but it's all good...because instead of relaxing and sleeping in, we're back at work and trying to find a place to live as we're basically getting kicked out of our flat on April 30th.
Woooo!
The BayVox meet-up was probably one of the coolest nights of my life...
Honestly.
I got to meet a ton of my Vox Homies, drank Cosmos, sang Karaoke, and even received THREE glorious bottles of Vox Vodka.
Best. Night. Ever.
Instead of me trying to chronologically explain to you how busy, fun, drunk, and memorable our wedding reception and trip back to the 916 was...
I'll just show you...
Out of the 706 photographs we combined from most of our family members, these are our favorites....
Vox, meet Bug.
Bug
is my darling baby Chihuahua that I cold heartedly abandoned when I moved to London.
She has it really tough at my parents house.
(Big yard to run around, and is regularly forced to play with our 2 other dogs. I know. I'm horrible.)
She has a wonky Paris Hilton eye, a floating patella that will need a $1400 surgery to correct, and occasionally requires that her butt glands be drained...
But other than that, she's really low maintenance.
(my Mom insists that she sleep on her pillow every night)
and we've been cuddling and having mad photo sessions together since I've been back.
As you can see, she's pretty drained from playing The Sock Game this morning...
I like to catalog the interesting images and super special overheard conversations in a little file in my brain I like to call:
The Stupid Parade.
During my current stay in sunny California, the past three weeks have provided many of these precious moments.
Those crazy Californians.
Location: Coffee Infested Pit of Hellish Flames (aka Starbucks I used to work at).
Incident: Special conversation with random, bearded, NASCAR shirt donning Man
"You gotta be careful with them!"
I look down at my pink Crocs, "..Be careful with my shoes?"
"Yeah, you best be careful going down them escalators!"
"....Okay....."
"You could lose yer foot! Didn't y'all hear about that guy who lost his friggan foot cuz it got caught in an escalator? It was cuz he been wearing those shoes!?!!"
"....No, no I didn't hear about that."
"You gotta be careful with those! BE CAREFUL on escalators with them shoes!!!!!"
"Okay. Great. Thanks so much."
"BE CAREFUL!"
· Location: Literati Cafe, L fucking A
Incident: Overheard conversation between Fat Fearing Freak of a Female and Cafe Manager.
"Hi, um, yeah. Yes. What do you have that's fat-free?"
"I have fat-free muffins."
"Okay. Great. Um. What kind are the fat-free muffins?"
"I have blueberry and apricot."
"And they're fat-free?"
"Yes ma'am."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay. So you have blueberry and apricot?"
"Yes."
"Now, you're sure they're fat-free?"
".....Yes."
"You're sure they're fat-free? Because if they're not then I don't want them."
"They're fat-free. I'm sure."
"But you're sure."
"Ma'am....Yes. The muffins are fat-free."
"Fat-free?"
"....YES."
"You're sure they're fat-free"
".........."
She stares at him accusingly, then stares at the muffins, and then stares back at him, back to the muffins, him, muffins, him, muffins, and back to him. She sniffs the air for calories and fat content....
"Great. I'll take 2."
Location: Between 11th and 7th headed towards the Pacific Coast Highway .
As we drove along towards Highway 1, we observed a woman enjoying the sunny LA weather during her afternoon jog...With plastic surgery bandages still wrapped around her face. Who says you can't exercise right after a face lift?
Location: My personal correspondence
Incident: Precious moments between me and my totally awesome friends back home.
(Please try not to tear up. And, no, I did not steal these from 'Chicken Soup for the BFF's Soul')
Phone conversation with a friend that says she, “like totally can't wait to see" and wants me to "call me right when you get off the plane!!!":
"Hey, it's Cate!"
"Oh hey. What's up?"
"Not much, just wanted to see what you're up to, ya know, because I haven't seen you in 6 months!"
"Yeah, for sure! Um, well tonight I'm hanging out with my roommate..."
"....Oh, okay. What are you up to this weekend?"
"....Not much. I'll call you!"
".....Erm....Okay."
It's cool. She doesn't get to see her roommate that often anyway. I totally understand.
Phone conversation with another friend that is like totally stoked and sooooo, like, freakin' anxious to hang out:
"Hey is Cate there?"
"Yeah it's me! How are you?"
"Good."
"...Okay. So what are you up to tonight? I haven't been feeling well since I got off the plane, but I'm all drugged up and would love to see you!"
"I know I miss you so much! Well, tonight I'm hanging out with Sarah because I won't see her all weekend, so that won't work. And tomorrow night is Sarah's birthday party, so that won't work either. Can I just call you when I'm free?"
"......Yeah. Swell."
I mean, sure Sarah is my friend, too, and we keep in touch, and we ALL USED TO WORK TOGETHER. But I totally understand why you guys need to spend private time together. Awesome.
Email from same friend, 10 days later:
"Hey,
You said you were sick, and so I didn't want to call and disturb you, plus I thought you were out of town or something? You never let me know when you were feeling better. Let's do lunch tomorrow!
xo"
Aren’t they the best?
They're so totally awesome, that I know they'll totally understand that I was too busy at a pumpkin patch yesterday to meet them for lunch. Or that I'm too busy staring at the visa they never asked about to call them. Or that I won't be able to see them at all while I'm here, because I'm too busy buying underwear at Target.
And ya know, they're sooooo awesome, that I’m sure they’ll understand that I’m keeping the gifts I brought back for them from London . Thanks pals!
Maybe I'll catch up with you next time I'm IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY.
But anyhoo. I'd just like to give a shout out to all the good citizens of California , my BFF's, (and my newly appointed majorette John Kerry) for providing these special moments, and making up my Stupid Parade.
Did I mention the Stupid Parade is actually the line leading up to my executioner's block?
Muahahahhaah.
And another thing about feminist values!!!! - Kidding!
Unclench! I kid, I kid.
<Collective sigh of relief>
So. Tomorrow, at this time, I will be sitting at Heathrow airport, gel-less and liquid-less, waiting for the plane that will reluctantly fly me back to California.
What is it like to go back home, after you have been creating a different life across the world for the past 6 months?
I hear a lot of:
"But don't you miss your family?"
"You must want to go home. You poor thing. You must be so home sick."
So. Here's truth.
I miss our fine family tradition of sitting around the TiVo with our 3 dogs, while my Mom, Step dad and I create our own dialog for The OC while my sister screams,
"SHUT UP! Shut up! God! I can't EVER watch this without you guys talking!! This is serious! That's NOT what they're saaaying!!!! SHUT UP! Rewiiiiiind iiiiitttt!"
I miss my chihuahua (Bug, or more commonly referred to as The Bug or Bugawuga) driving me crazy because she just won't lay down with me, and instead wants to drag my dirty underwear out of the hamper and run around the house with it.
I miss my Step dad using a power drill at 7:34 on a Saturday morning while the rest of us are still asleep.
("What? It's not THAT early? Come on, Princess, wake up!")
And I miss seeing my mom in her glasses before she goes to bed, and her Ponds lotion on my skin after she kisses me goodnight.
Corn dogs, Taco Bell, The Roseville Galleria, and Starbucks' baristas that recognize me from that 1 time we worked together and not only give me a discount but understand what prissy drink I want.
(What's so hard about a tall, 2 pump sugar-free vanilla, soy, no water, no foam, with whip, chai??)
I miss the familiarity of driving up 80. I miss seeing people I know at Target and avoiding them.
("I hate that bitch. Do you think she saw me?", "She's right behind you.")
But my heart. My life. My fresh and promising new start that is composed of everything I love and am passionate about is 5,000 miles away from the life, and family, that I was raised to be a part of.
How can I ask them to understand that I was miserable in that life? Not because of them...But because it just wasn't enough for me. I needed more than amber waves of grain. The Golden Gate would never be the Tower Bridge...
They have let me go with as much ease as they could and without direct protest. They have understood the big crush that I've had on England since I was a little girl.
I just don't think it ever occurred to them that my crush would turn into a love affair that would move me 5,000 miles away from 'home".
And that this love affair with black, wraught iron fences, scones, tea and red telephone booths would lead me to the man that I was born to be loved by.
And to all of you men and women who have moved your life to another city, state, or continent, I'm sure can understand and appreciate that it is not easy.
At my worst moments, I have guilt. Guilt for leaving. Guilt for my absence at dinners, birthdays, and those lazy sunday mornings where we sit around eating country potatoes watching Nascar.
My heart finds it's home in two places.
One of the fun side effects of this, is that I have become somewhat of a Culturally Mutated Freak.
I will always be an American. I will always be a California girl. And my cowboy boots and Sugarland CD are ever present.
But I now say things like,
"For fuck sake! That got me right up! I got so fucked off that nearly gave him a bollocking!"
or
"That's absolute rubbish. Complete shit, that."
I now love Curry and Thai food. I tried "Duck in Oyster Sauce" the other night for the first time, and I loved it.
I can now drink multiple pints of lager like a pro, and I even enjoy a good Guinness every once and a while.
I can go into a restaurant with a table for one, and enjoy a meal alone without feeling embarrassed.
In fact, I can buy myself a glass of wine, and sit in a pub alone, too.
(Who says you should never drink alone?!)
I've really had to learn to be blunt, and honest and to really say what I mean. I've learned how to put those who give me unsolicited advice in their place.
These things may sound silly...But they're things I've never done before, and I don't know how long it would have taken
me to learn these things had I stayed in my comfort zone.
I have learned how to be still. I have finaly learned how to be comfortable and safe in my own skin.
I may not have it all figured out, but at least I'm not too scared to try.
So. Am I nervous to return home? .... I've had the runs for the past 24 hours.
Am I scared about applying for my visa? ....Scared shitless. I haven't slept much.
Being apart from Iain for a week isn't really going to be much fun either. :(
And thank you mother nature for increasing my emotional instability by giving me the gift of menstruation this week.
How I look forward to getting up every 3-4 hours throughout the flight, stumbling through the aisles, and trying to use a tampon in the bathroom the size of a coin purse during an inevitable storm of turbulence.
I wonder if they make tampons for long journeys...
Like, instead of Super Plus they'd make one, huge tampon with a incredible absorbency level...
Ya know, like, "Jumbo Jet Tampons, for those Transatlantic Flights".
Toxic Shock Syndrome? Pfffft. I'd be fine.
But, I'm still not packed....
Next time you hear from me, I'll be blogging via California, with my laptop on one leg, and my chihuahua on the other.
(And Iain on the phone, my Step dad sawing through a wall, and my sister screaming, "Get off the fucking phone! I can't hear Tyra Banks!!!!")
...Wish me luck.
I'll send you a ePostcard or something :)
