3 posts tagged “bitch”
I'm feeling pretty feisty lately. Pretty fired up...although I have to admit that the fired up-ness tends to fade in and out of me staring blankly at the wall and/or searching for a bag to breathe in.
I'm guessing if you carry a bottle of Kalms around with you, it's not necessarily a good sign.
However, on Friday morning I had what some would call an epiphany...or an "aha!" moment if you're big on the Oprah. I realized that the old "everything happens for a reason" philosophy doesn't just come and go. It's a constant and just a case of whether or not your eyes are open.
The magical threads that direct you on the correct path and bind you to those who will eventually play a bigger role in your life may be hard to see while your in the middle of a shit storm...but if you put on some protective goggles and manage to stop crying for two seconds, chances are things will become drastically, WONDROUSLY clear.
I realized that whatever struggles I'm going through at the moment, they're not that different from the struggles I had a couple years ago. While I've changed and grown and become much more resilient - the general attitudes, hangups, and judgements of most people have stayed the same. The more comfortable I become with my choices, my convictions and myself, the more disruptive I become to those who are not.
For example, a few years ago, a wise woman once told me that everyone I knew was trying to make me into something I wasn't. She said I could stay in the situation I was in, with everyone making me feel like I was a horrible person for not being what they wanted - and with me beating myself up for not being what they wanted - or I could break away...
I wrote about this on my first blog (on MySpace *cringe*), way back on the 7th of Otober, 2005:
I find it fascinating that I'm essentially in the same situation I was two years ago: people expecting me to be something other than I am, and making me feel like I'm the crazy person for being the way I am."I'd just like to meet someone who has passion, and is infinitely interesting. Who doesn't expect me to try to mold, break, and rebuild myself to try to fit into a world, lifestyle, and existence that I'm just not meant to fit in."
"I am shaped like a star, therefore I will not fit in the square shaped lifestyle that everyone trying to lead me to."
I'm not perfect. It took me a bit longer than I'd like to admit to realize just how sneaky people about trying to make you feel like you're the nutter. Like you're the asshole for not just doing what they say and not asking any questions.
However, I've come to realize that I'm not just going to shut the fuck up just because certain people want me to. In fact, I think the stupidest thing anyone could ever tell me to do is shut up.
You simply do not tell me to shut up.
I'm not just going to be passionate and fiery when it suits you. You can not just flip my "Give A Shit" switch on and off like a fucking toy. My Bitch card doesn't just get played when you're on my team. It's always on the table, and I'll play it every god damn hand if I so please.
Would it be easier for me to just shut up and pretend like everyone knows better than I do?
Would my life be smoother if I moulded and broke myself into each and every shape someone expected me to be?
Yes, I'm sure things would be all smooth and easy and peachy if I were to just shut up.
But fuck that.
I didn't get where I am today by keeping quiet and cruising along through life trying desperately to not leave a wake.
The only way I know how succeed and kick ass in life is to do it my way.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow
I know there are some that believe that because I call certain types of women Gaping Vaginas, or Stupid, that I'm an insensitive hypocrite or a "bad feminist". That I'm putting down women by talking badly about certain types of women.
However, I'm actually quite a fan of women.
That is why I spend hours and hours of my life, every single day, examining "women's issues", trying to find positive examples for women; why I try to immerse myself in all things that promote healthy and empowering lifestyle choices for women.
Blindly telling people, "You go girl! You're empowered!" no matter what they do, isn't exactly being supportive of women. Do we all know what an enabler is?
Sometimes we need to criticize each other. We need to lift up the women who are kicking ass. The way we kick ass doesn't all have to look alike, but there need to be some major lifestyle and behavior choices that need to be axed. Ya know, like flashing your vagina to the world for a living, or weighing as much as a 4th-grader when you're a 25-year-old woman that stands at 5'10" for the sake of fashion.
Life is fucking hard. And its even harder when you're a women who allows herself to be bogged down by stereotypes, glass ceilings, and society's stupid ass rules.
To an extent, I think everyone, male or female is affected by such things.
However, aside from all of the frustrations from GVs and the women who seem to revel in their own self-indulgent, stereotyped-chaos...
There are some fabulous women out there who lead such empowering lifestyles that they just leave me in an awestruck state of appreciation, envy, and inspiration.
These women that just seem to be light years away from the place I'd like to be. In fact, they're so fabulous, that I the best way I know how to describe them sometimes is "put-together".
But what does "well put-together" mean?
For my own definition, it means many different things. I've always looked up to women who have a "set up". This may mean that they have a lot of accessories, a strong sense of style, a lot of handy-dandy-gadgets. That X-factor. When I was younger I probably envied one of my peers that had a well decorated binder, and a set of matching gel pens. (Remember them? Oh man. Gel Pens.)
It's not that I'm just in awe of women who have material things - it goes deeper than that.
If they have a moleskin journal obsession, it may not be just because they like to buy the most expensive journals, but because she's a writer, and she feels the most inspired to write when she has a quality notebook.
And the reason she has such an nice pen collection, is because she'll only write in black ink, and writes so much that she goes through pens like most go through chewing gum.
The women with the most eclectic accessories may not just be a fashionista, but owns so many different pieces of fantastic looking jewellery because she's a photographer who travels to the most exotic of locations, and has made a tradition of buying one piece of jewellery from every city she visits.
My own personal admiration of women who have lots of accessories, or a well organized, vintage handbag is because I believe it shows depth.
A story.
Having a crap load of lip glosses and a Nicole Richie inspired sunglasses collection may not exactly have a story to it, other than the fact that you're IRRITATING.
There are so many women, who just have these amazing stories, and endearing quirks, and talents:
They have cute glasses, and curly hair, and have an impeccable sense of style.
They bake. They create.
They speak French and make fucking furniture with their BARE HANDS.
They cook food and write about how it touches and fits into their lives about it so eloquently...
They start a blog, and then end up writing screen plays, and TV shows with Steven Spielberg.
These women, and women like them, are not people to be jealous of.
Why do we expend so much energy being jealous of "well put together women", when we could be inspired by them?
Why are we so quick to hate someone and be jealous of them, when we could just learn from them?
At the same time, I'm sure any of the women I've mentioned, and ones I haven't because they don't exactly have a link, may say, "Are you fucking kidding me? I don't 'have it together'."
From the outside looking in, perhaps most of us appear to have our shit together and be on the ball about stuff. Do I think I do?
Sort of.
I think I've got most of my 'internal shit' (literally, and not so literally) together: I understand my emotions very well. My relationship, my relationship with my family members and in-laws, my relationship with myself and my body image...These are all things that I've put as my top priority. I don't have any lurking demons in my emotional closets. Sure I have normal issues and a pain in the ass depressive disorder that I deal with on a pretty regular basis...
But I feel that since I've given all of that inside crap priority over everything else, I haven't really developed a lot of the other stuff that I want to...
And because I don't quite have all of the trimmings of the other women I see to be "put together", then I must not be.
Do I have moleskin journals?
Can I make a fucking table and chairs?
NoOoooOooo!
Is that a ridiculous thought?
Definitely.
Especially considering I know that nobody's happiness can be identical to someone else's.
But when I'm going through a stressed-out funk where I feel like I need more substance in my life, I start to compare and notice things about the other people I see who seem to have shit loads of substance in their life. And then I start to notice that, hey, they bake. They spend time doing projects for their home to increase how much they like being at home. They manage to buy incredible clothes for cheap. They can speak 3 languages...
Some of it is just me being too hard on myself.
But, then again, I think there are parts of that way of thinking that are positive, especially considering that, in the past, the idea of doing anything Houswife related or something that "women should do" gave me a small panic attack.
I seem to have grown up a bit.
And I don't think its a coincidence that most of the women I find myself so in awe of tend to have hobbies and do things that I, myself, am intimidated by. Is the reason I've made jokes about housewives and knitters in the past because they do something I can't? Probably. That's some of the reasoning behind it. I can admit that.
I can also admit that I'm trying to be a bit more open. Learn. Learn from other women. Listen. Take a risk and try something new, accepting that I may not be perfect at it. (**Blood curdling scream**)
I'm learning to be a better cupcake Cate, which, in turn, makes me a better woman.
So, I tip my hat to all of you fabulous women out there.
You scare me. You intimidate me.
Your hair is better than mine. (You bitch. Did I just say that? I didn't mean it. Swear. I didn't mean it.)
And the best part is, I don't hate you for it.
No jealousy here, ladies. Just admiration.
YOU GO, GIRL!!!!
