Why you always put the fork on the left...
When I went back to California, I met up with my lovely friend Liz. I used to work with Liz at Starbucks, where she was famously fired for writing "fuck off" on a customer's cup. (LOVE HER.) Liz knew me when I was in my psycho OMG STARBUCKS phase where I would yell at people for having white on their shoes because it THAT'S NOT ALLOWED IN THE DRESS CODE.
Last time I saw Liz it was last October, before I went to LA to go and get my "please marry me so I can stay in the country" Visa. I guess in the past year I've changed a bit. Aside from the fact that I've grown to be so incredibly mature and wise (ahhhahhahahha) and that my ass has gotten considerably more ample (thank you drinking problem English food!) apparently the way I talk has changed, too.
I try my hardest when I go home to not say things like:
-"Are you alright?"
In London this translates to "Hi, how are you?" In California it's like, "Yeah, of course I'm alright. Why are you asking? Do I seem like there's something wrong?"
-The usual suspects: Rubbish, Bin, Quid, Flat, Fuck Sake, Fucking Hell, CUNT, Twat, Jumper, Camp, Bollocks, "a bit", "d'ya know wha' I mean?", "I'm not being funny right -"
However, it takes my tongue, mouth and brain a while to get on California Vocabulary where I realize that I'll be able to say basil like "BAY-ZIL" and oregano like "OH-RAY-GAN-OH!" and vitamins like "VIE-TA-MINS" without getting laughed at. Plus, my ultimate favorite California word: HELLA.
So, when Liz saw me, I was still on my awkward transition phase, causing her to squeal, "Oh my god that sounded sooo British." whenever I let the old, "You alright?" slip.
I also have to admit that when I drink, this insane English accent comes out of me. I don't know what happens. I think because it's easier on the mouth to speak in an English accent than it is to speak in an American one (all those long "aaaaaa"s and "rrrrrrrr"s) that my drunken face muscles just prefer it. Or rather, slurring sounds sexier when done in an English accent.
So, anywaaaaay. This little observation has caused me to reflect on which parts of me are still 100% American, and what parts of me have changed.
I think one of the times I feel most self conscious about being foreign is when I'm at the dinner table. Not because I can't pronounce anything on the menu. Not because my knowledge of French wines is so bleak. No, it's not even because I have to refer back to that scene on Titanic when Leonardio DiCaprio is having dinner with the rich folk and that chick leans over and says, "Start on the outside and work your way in!" to remember which spoon to use first.
Nope. The issue is this: I eat with my fork in the right hand, and rarely use a knife. When I do, I have to put my fork in my left hand, cut with my right, and then do this ridiculous waltz of silverware (sorry, CUTLERY) and put the fork back in my right hand to eat.
I never knew this was a problem until it was pointed out to me by numerous people who laughed at me whilst I chased my Caesar Salad all over my plate, or tried ruthlessly to cut my steak with a fork.
So, I thought I would make a change and try very hard to eat with my left hand. I, stupidly, decided this on our anniversary while trying to eat at Pizza Express.
All I can say, is that I'm sure Iain never imagined having to explain to his wife how to use a fork and knife properly. I died laughing. My left hand has NO muscles or coordination, and I know I looked like a complete, red neck idiot.
I could NOT figure out how to hold the fork in my left hand. Iain says it's supposed to be "like if I were to go stab someone", and that I hold my fork wrong, as I hold it "like a pencil". We started looking around at other people to see how they held their fork...but that didn't help. I need to hold it like a pencil, which causes my whole hand to flop around like a fish. I looked ridiculous. (And I sounded ridiculous noting loudly that, "OOH! THAT'S why you put the FORK on the LEFT!")
I haven't really tried it since then, but I know I'm going to have to keep at it if I want to avoid embarrassing myself at a nice dinner.
But, while that attempt at making myself all European and Anglicized failed miserably...I seem to have managed to do it in a different way. And not necessarily in a good way.
This is me at the Sainsburys today. Please note the wellies. Please note the huge Argos bag. I have turned myself into an English Suburbanite and it must be stopped.
Okay, I don't always look like this. (Just on the weekends...and rainy Tuesdays when I've been locked in the house working from home all day...)
I suppose the bottom line is that we don't get to pick and chose how we adapt to our environment and our surroundings..but it happens. Whether we fancy it or not.
Comments
If its any consolation, I spend some time with my English reli's in England when I was 18....and I came home speaking with a Lancashire accent without realizing it.
And as far as the whole fork and knife thing, my British grandmother drummed it into us, all through our childhood, about not leaving your knife or fork leaning against your plate like a gangplank.......and the very first dinner with my future-husband's family I almost died on the spot as his whole family did this and I had no idea what to do! LOL! :)
Relax....and don't chew with your mouth full. That is the only thing I worry about! :)
And as I'm writing this I am, again, worried about my relationship with food.
As for the drinking accent... totally reminded me of my friend, Jenn. She spent 3 years living in Ireland and they'd show up when she drank as each round brought more and more "fooooking hell!" from her.
"don't chew with your mouth full"?
I am so blonde.....sorry I meant to say "don't chew with your mouth open". Its really the only thing I try to remember...that, and not going home wearing my dinner.
And LeendaDLL's tip about the fork is spot on. That's how I do it, too.
no need to tell me this is special... ;)
As to using a fork: As Leenda said, prongs down. Lie your index finger on the back of the fork with your other fingers wrapped around. The tip of your finger should be close to the head of the fork, but not so close you're in danger of touching the food. Apply pressure with your index finger to 'stab' food with the fork.
Of course the real trick is eating peas. The 'proper' way is to stab a few peas so they are stuck on the end of the prongs. Then position the other peas on the back of the fork above those peas. Not so much a sight of good etiquette as a test in impossible dexterity that one!
I also learned to use the back of my hand to cover my mouth if I yawn & cough - so I'm not spreading germies when I touch something with my palm. I'm not sure where I picked that up - but definitely recall seeing someone do it and thinking it also looked more "sophisticated".
I guess that makes me a poser.
i used to do the same thing with my silverware, back and forth, and then one day i realized that was silly probably because i kept dropping my fork in my food, and ever since i've been able to use my left hand to eat with the fork if need be. you're not the only one!!
also that last picture of you, doesn't look like you, maybe its the angle, or maybe that's a huge cooler you're standing next to, but it looks like a little girl! maybe you when you were lil bitty!
the french eat this way too and although it took some time, i finally learned to eat that way. now it feels natural.
and now, as your epiphany showed, i can always remember the proper way to set a table.
oh and thanks for the translation on "are you alright." my uk agency guys say that quite a bit and it was making me think they thought i had some kind of problem.
Why does it matter which side of the plate the fork goes on anyways? As long as you're not, like...chewing with your mouth open and/or making a mess of things, seems to me like it'd matter very little. Could the fork not just as easily go on the right?
I also use a fork in my right hand and rarely use a knife (preferring to slice through as much as I can with the side of my fork), but unlike you I am able to use both knife and fork if I have to. I just use a fork because one of the sounds that really goes through me is that of knife scraping against fork and so I do my best to avoid it.
Of course even I cheat, when eating peas I just do this quick swivel motion with my fork so that prongs are horizontal, then scoop as many on as I can.
Perhaps it's just a regiional thing. I get it all the time from most people I know/meet here.
Oh well, it's still easier to use a fork than a chopsticks
Ah Chopsticks!
I almost prefer eating chinese with chopsticks than using a shovel, plus my parents practically lived on chinese food in my early days so I've had a bit of practice!
It takes some practice, but absolutely not impossible.
The problem, however, arises when you are eating something that you normally cut into pieces with
The whole fork / knife thing is weird. I eat 'brit' style always and actually find it virtually impossible to do the American thing, it feels really weird.
Having said that, how you hold your fork in your left hand is regional. Some people do hold it in different ways [pencil vs monkey fist], but always prongs down as if you were going to rake the food as opposed to prongs up, to shovel it ~ except possibly peas. Then you may need honey (joke).
As for the drunk voice, mine goes posh (Slone to be exact) and very very silly. I can make the Queen sound a tad common when truely plastered!
We Americans are far too uptight....who cares how you cut your meat, for feck's sake?
And I too, love to say hella! And I enjoy saying chill... looks like I wont be able to pass as a Canadian in Europe after-all.
And how do they say oregano? The only thing I could come up with in my head was: OR-EGON-O?
This is brilliant! You suddenly have me questioning how I eat now! I didn't even realise Americans had a different way?!
I eat with fork in my left hand but will switch it sometimes, it depends on the food (and the company if I am trying to be dead posh and stuff and eat nicely!) but more often I use a fork in my right eating pasta etc...hmm
and yes, we say "are you alright?", "alright" and all other versions, and if I ever say it to an American friend, they look at me like I have gone mad! lol