What every teen (or 38-year-old) should know before losing their virginity
There are a lot of things that I'm sure we all wish we had known before losing our virginities.
(Ya know, like, the other person's name, for instance.)
Sex is on every single teenagers' mind all the time. It's true. Is this due to puberty? Yes. Is this even more due to the fact that we treat The Sex like the biggest taboo there ever was and avoid speaking of it to teens like the plague?
Yesssss.
I wasn't sat down and given a blunt,"This is where babies come from." discussion when I was younger. I learned most of what I know from my friends, Redbook, Webster's Dictionary, YM, and the Daniel Steel novels we stole from my best friend's mom. ("OH MY GOD!! It goes where?! What do they mean by 'milky man juice'?? EWWW!!!!")
Thankfully, I'm a little smarter than the average bear. By the time I lost my virginity, I thought I knew everything there was to know, because hell, what else do you need to know about sex besides how not to get pregnant?
Because there are things they just don't cover in Sex Ed...because porn shouldn't be a substitute teacher for our sons, and because Cosmopolitan is full of shit, here are some things that every teen should know before having sex:
- Even you if have "lost" your hymen from vigorous horse back riding, dry humping, or any other sports, your first few times will hurt like a bitch. You'll lay there thinking "Why the hell do people do this for fun?" but trust me, it gets better.
- Penises and vaginas can be very alarming to look at if you've never seen one before. However, you should be able to look at your partners' "special no-no private parts" with the lights on without dying of embarrassment. You will not be blindfolded during this event. (Unless you're into that sort of thing...) This is not pin the tail on the donkey. It must almost be said that your partners' genitals will not look nearly as tight/shaven/long/sparkling as they do in porn, which brings us to this:
- REAL SEX IS NOT LIKE PORN. Sure, maybe once you actually figure out how to have sex or make your girlfriend orgasm, things will get a bit kinky, but most certainly not during your first few trials.
- Girls - if the idea of masturbation, and, like, touching yourself down there, freaks out you out, you're not ready to have sex yet. Plain and simple. Before you have sex, you should know how you like to be touched. If you've never made yourself orgasm, how are you supposed to help out some fumbling young man? It's not their job to magically know what you like it. However...
-
Boys, you must know where and what the clitoris is before you ever even consider having sex. You must know what it is, and how it works. Granted, your partner should be able to help you and tell you how to touch her, but if you don't even know where it is, chances are you won't be having sex again for a very long time.
- Girls - if you are not comfortable looking at your vagina in the mirror, or didn't even know you could see your vagina in a mirror, you probably shouldn't be having sex. If you're uncomfortable looking at yourself, how the hell do you expect to be comfortable with some cute boy wanting to look at it?
- I whole heartedly believe you should be in a relationship when losing your virginity. Why? Because it's a sensitive situation and you should experience it with someone you trust/love/ care for/ /know the name of. Your experiences losing your virginity have a pretty big impact on how you will view sex, so why not do it with someone who actually respects what a big deal this is for you, instead of some asshole guy in a band you met on Myspace who you've known for three weeks.
- It's okay to tell your partner that they're not "doing it right". It's okay to say, "Yeah...that's not my clitoris." or "Honey, I know it's called 'spanking the monkey', but you don't actually have to spank it. That just hurts." On the same token, it's not okay to grab hold of a girls ears to help "direct her" to where you'd like her to go.
- If you're a girl, you should not only be able to look at a penis without crying/laughing, but be able to SAY penis without giggling. Alternatively, boys, you should be able to call a "vagina" by it's real name, not "pussy", "punani", "pink taco", if you think you're mature enough to have sex with an actual woman, instead of just that fold in your duvet.
- Girls - do not be prejudiced against someone's penis if it is or isn't circumcised. I assure you, they work the same way. Don't let one episode of Sex and the City cause you to discriminate against (around) 80% of the penises in the UK - I'm sure there are some nice boys attached to those things.
- If you plan on losing your virginity with scented candles, rose petals, and a string quartet playing whilst you're sprawled out on your pink canopy bed wearing Victoria's Secret, you're more than likely putting far too much pressure on you and your partner. Candles, flowers, and Luther Vandross are all very nice, but sex should be spontaneous, not planned out like your fucking wedding. That's the beauty of condoms and The Pill...they're mobile! Think of organized sex being the same as playing the hostesss of a big party: you'll be so stressed out from trying to spell your names in rose petals and concentrating on making sure I Will Always Love You is playing when he enters you for the first time, that you won't be able to actually enjoy what the hell is going on. Lay back and enjoy the (pants) party.
If there is anything else you would like to add this, please let me know!
Also, if you'd like me to sit down and talk to your kids about sex, I'd totally be okay with that. Just as long as you're okay with me bringng your 15-year-old daughter a Rampant Rabbit and 'gina mirror.
Comments
Here's my lost virginity story: At a pool party, a very wet and slippery Sheila tells my friend Jimmy, "I want to suck Clint's dick." Jimmy tells me, and convinces me (no arm twisting required) to allow Sheila, Jimmy and his girlfriend Monica to come back to my parent's house so we can all fuck like rabbits, with my parents asleep on the other side of the house.
Jimmy and Monica take my bedroom, leaving me with Sheila on the couch in the living room, completely exposed if my parents wake up for a midnight snack. We take off our wet bathing suits and I mount Sheila's face and then her vagina with the tact and charm of a spider monkey. Oddly, she seems to be enjoying my awkward, crude and inexperienced attempts at love making. The entire time I'm thinking "don't cum too quickly" -- I had seen an unflattering HBO comedy bit on premature ejaculation, and it was racing to the forefront of my horny mind.
I lasted a respectable amount of time for my first rodeo, and afterwards we went to the bathroom to clean up. Sheila had plenty of sexy prior to this, and was very comfortable with this procedure. As I'm washing up, she sits down on the toilet and begins taking a shit. This is my first sexual experience, let alone seeing a girlfriend use the bathroom in front of me. All kinds of odd thoughts were racing through my head: "Did I fuck the shit out of her?" "Is this what people do after sex?" "What's the protocol here -- am I supposed to take a shit now?"
Ah, good times.
No. That was definitely not normal. I can imagine sleeping with someone other than Sheila was an interesting experience. "Wait...you're...why aren't you shitting? Was it not good for you?"
lmao--"milky man juice"! haha!
if I waited for someone who respected me, I think I'd still be waiting! ha!
good post with good points! Thanks!
LOL
loved this post
My first time lasted all of 15 seconds for him. When he was done, he lay there so long I was sure he was dead. I smacked him on the ass and told him he'd have to do better next time. I'd had hotter sex with my shower nozzle.
(Yes, I started actual intercourse much, much later than I discovered the infinite ways I could please myself. It's still sort of a competition for me.)
And Street Vein, how I heart the ways you tell a good story.
Great post!
My first time was after a youth club disco on someones front lawn...we were both drunk, after I hobbled to the car where my mum was waiting to pick me up, feeling very undignified and kinda wishing the whole thing hadn't happened...then I was sick out the car window...hmm very classy eh?!
And ain't it funny when you are younger, you think you are the only girl in the world to experiment with a shower nozzle, it's plainly not the case I have since discovered!! Phew...thanks Natalie! lol
I absolutely LOVE this post. I do not have to explain why. I just think that everything is completely true. My first time was with someone i care about (and still do..hence why we are still together). I wouldn't trade my first time with him for any 'porn sex' ever!
..and i agree...a shower nozzel is a gal's #1 pal! ^_^
4th Grade - Private Lutheran School.
Our science teacher brought in a dildo to demonstrate how to put a condom on.
It was a zebra striped dildo.
None of us thought anyone of it, other than laughing at the teacher handling the plastic dick. About two months later, one of my friend's moms wanted all of the other moms over for drinks - a lot of us were there for a sleepover too... someone mentioned sex-ed and the zebra striped dildo.
The teacher no longer worked there on Monday. =\
The image of timing "I Will Always Love You"? Hilarious. Great visual.
Which, by the way, is probably going to pop in my head, the next time hubby and I have sex. I'm going to have a printed copy of this out to explain why I'm laughing so hard.
How great is "Milky man juice?" It's so great it might just become my new myspace nickname!
Great post. My parents did have a sit-down talk with me and my sisters, they would just talk about it, in very casual ways. I think I'm one of the lucky few who had parents that understood how to talk to their kids about sex without a) grossing them out (ewwww Natalie!) or b) alienating them.
I still don't get the whole thing about the shower nozzle though. It's just not my thing...
BLOODY BRILLIANT POST!
I think I should print multiple copies of this to hand out to friends with teenagers... actually... I might email it to my 15 and 18 year old virginal brothers!
Fantastic!
Another tipL Reading Kim Cattrall's book, Satisfaction, either. LOTS of very good, very practical, advice in there. Especially for straight men - of ANY age/experience level.
I love this. I will say especially -
"I whole heartedly believe you should be in a relationship when losing your virginity. Why? Because it's a sensitive situation and you should experience it with someone you trust/love/ care for/ /know the name of. Your experiences losing your virginity have a pretty big impact on how you will view sex, so why not do it with someone who actually respects what a big deal this is for you, instead of some asshole guy in a band you met on Myspace who you've known for three weeks."
this is soooo true- I am going to show this to my 15 year old- see what she says.
i, too, learned about sex from HBO. Real Sex and Sex Bytes and those documentaries on really dirty commercials in other countries that i'd watch when everyone else was asleep. when my mom finally gave me the talk she asked me if i knew what sex was. when i told her what it was she asked me how i knew that. i lied through my teeth and told her "i heard some boys at school talking about it". the rest of the talk consisted of her telling me to make sure that my first time was with a good christian boy who was also my husband that i loved. thankfully, i was the one to give my younger sisters "the talk". i look forward to playing this same role with my niece and baby sisters--maybe i will make this post into a pamphlet for them when i give them the inevitable "masturbation is not weird or gross or wrong. it is totally fun as well as practical! talk. ;)
this should be left hanging around high school bathrooms everywhere.