Taking the long way 'round...

Please try not to die of shock that I'm posting TWO posts in one week, but here you go. It's all happening.

I'm feeling pretty feisty lately. Pretty fired up...although I have to admit that the fired up-ness tends to fade in and out of me staring blankly at the wall and/or searching for a bag to breathe in.

I'm guessing if you carry a bottle of Kalms around with you, it's not necessarily a good sign.

However, on Friday morning I had what some would call an epiphany...or an "aha!" moment if you're big on the Oprah. I realized that the old "everything happens for a reason" philosophy doesn't just come and go. It's a constant and just a case of whether or not your eyes are open.

The magical threads that direct you on the correct path and bind you to those who will eventually play a bigger role in your life may be hard to see while your in the middle of a shit storm...but if you put on some protective goggles and manage to stop crying for two seconds, chances are things will become drastically, WONDROUSLY clear.

I realized that whatever struggles I'm going through at the moment, they're not that different from the struggles I had a couple years ago. While I've changed and grown and become much more resilient - the general attitudes, hangups, and judgements of most people have stayed the same. The more comfortable I become with my choices, my convictions and myself, the more disruptive I become to those who are not.

For example, a few years ago, a wise woman once told me that everyone I knew was trying to make me into something I wasn't. She said I could stay in the situation I was in, with everyone making me feel like I was a horrible person for not being what they wanted - and with me beating myself up for not being what they wanted - or I could break away...

I wrote about this on my first blog (on MySpace *cringe*), way back on the 7th of Otober, 2005:

"I'd just like to meet someone who has passion, and is infinitely interesting. Who doesn't expect me to try to mold, break, and rebuild myself to try to fit into a world, lifestyle, and existence that I'm just not meant to fit in."

"I am shaped like a star, therefore I will not fit in the square shaped lifestyle that everyone trying to lead me to."

Natalie Maines - don't tell her to shut up either.

 I find it fascinating that I'm essentially in the same situation I was two years ago: people expecting me to be something other than I am, and making me feel like I'm the crazy person for being the way I am.

I'm not perfect. It took me a bit longer than I'd like to admit to realize just how sneaky people about trying to make you feel like you're the nutter. Like you're the asshole for not just doing what they say and not asking any questions.

However, I've come to realize that I'm not just going to shut the fuck up just because certain people want me to. In fact,  I think the stupidest thing anyone could ever tell me to do is shut up.

You simply do not tell me to shut up.

I'm not just going to be passionate and fiery when it suits you. You can not just flip my "Give A Shit" switch on and off like a fucking toy. My Bitch card doesn't just get played when you're on my team. It's always on the table, and I'll play it every god damn hand if I so please.

Would it be easier for me to just shut up and pretend like everyone knows better than I do?

Would my life be smoother if I moulded and broke myself into each and every shape someone expected me to be?

Yes, I'm sure things would be all smooth and easy and peachy if I were to just shut up.

But fuck that.

I didn't get where I am today by keeping quiet and cruising along through life trying desperately to not leave a wake.

The only way I know how succeed and kick ass in life is to do it my way.