So, basically, I'll keep giving a shit until Monday...
A lot of people wish to themselves that they didn't care what other people thought about them.
However, when it comes to most of the women I know, there seems to be the common mantra of, "I just need to not give a shit."
Whether it's "giving a shit" if a potential new boyfriend that's probably "just not that in to" us calls or not, or fretting endlessly about what our coworkers are saying behind our backs - we all tend to wish we just cared a little bit less about what's going on out there.
Lately, I definitely wish I didn't give a shit about stuff.
I wish I didn't give a shit what some of my contacts thought, and just said: "Listen, I really like you, but unless we decide when/if you're going to pay me, this really isn't going to work out."
I wish I could show up at 10:08 every morning with a piping hot soy-no-water-chai from Starbucks in my hands with my iPod blaring and float over to my desk like it ain't no thang and all the while laughing to myself because I know it's not like they can fire me (muahahahahah)...but I can't.
You'll find me at my desk no later than 9:15, and taking a 15 minute lunch to go get whatever I can find at Marks & Spencer that "isn't going to make me feel fat" and eat it hunched over my desk, feeling naughty as I read Fart Party for another 15 minutes.
I can't tell you how many times I've ignored a snide comment ("So do you have a plan? Do you know what you're going to do now that you don't have a job? Or are you just going to wing it?") because I don't know what will happen if I were to make it very clear that I DO in fact GIVE A SHIT.
Actually, I take that back. I pretty much do know what will happen if I voice my said giving of the shits: nothing.
Well, they will probably be caught off guard, think to themselves what a bitch I am, and move on. Or they won't even notice. Or they'll think I'm right.
...Or, they will freak out. Or, they'll Twitter about what a nasty bitch I am and then tell everyone on Facebook and then they'll Google Bomb me and make it so that when you Google my name you'll find some horribly set up web page that says, "...IS A FUCKING BITCH-HEADED TWAT WHO GIVES A SHIT!!!" written using the spray paint function on MS Paint and then EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHAT A HORRIBLE STUPID PERSON I AM AND NO ONE WILL EVER HIRE ME OR LOVE ME AND I'LL END UP HOMELESS AND ALONE (AND PROBABLY WITH A DISEASE).
I suppose the lesson in all of this is that I need to realize my worst fear is not going to happen simply by stifling my ridiculous need to go above and beyond and to hand out free sexual favors to prove that I'm nice and reliable...because sometimes "nice
and reliable" means "pushover" and that's something I'm really not prepared to be. (Anymore.)
So. I think tomorrow I'll start not giving a shit by writing some rather awkward emails, and by not smiling and saying thank you when someone offers to shove their foot up my ass for free.
And on that note, I really need to get to bed so I can get up early and catch the 8:19 train so I can get into work a half hour before I need to for reasons I don't understand...
Maybe I'll start this whole "not giving a shit" thing on Monday. (I'll be 23 that day. And officially unemployed. That seems like a good time to start.)
Comments
Happy Burfday, a little early.
Well, I love you, regardless of whether you give zero, one, two or elevendy-billion shits, Ms. Cate - but - you know - you are extremely lovable and things are going to work out for you - in fact - things are going to begin to go SO swimmingly for you that you are going to feel like all of this giving a shit or not giving a shit bullshit is a distant, very faint, very laughable memory. And THAT, my friend, is how it's going to go down.
xoxo
HUGS AND KISSES AND MORE KISSES AND HUGS!!!
L
I like the way today you and Llenda both found great music videos to demonstrate your feelings for a certain type of moment; it was very compelling.
I do hope things look up soon!
I got nothin. Just hoping that what you need shows up soon while you recharge your life battery.
If you didn't care about anything then you probably wouldn't bother to get out of bed in the morning. Sod emotional detachment and post-modern irony, it's fine to feel the way you do.
And I'll be officially unemployed from Monday onwards as well, so you're not alone.
i know what you mean about giving a shit. i often give too much of a shit, and it gets rough sometimes.
also, on days like today where, if certain people actually pressed me for what i actually feel about them, I would *actually* tell them how little i actually care for them, nobody does.
and i really wanted to tell him, too. instead i just walked away. true story. ;)
i'm putting some positivity out there for you. good things are gonna be coming your way. *hug*
What really annoys me is when you are talking to someone, telling them how your day went or whatever, regaling them with all the wit you have mustered up, and they ask you "Why do you care so much?"
As if the WHY of it really fucking matters.
Hope all the shit passes over.
The most important part of all this is that - that evil monday will go, life will move on and you need to celebrate the good - so Happy Birthday. Hope you feel better!