"Highly proficient in Camel Toe, excels at Muffin Top"
I spent my morning trying on a vast amount clothes and staring at my pale, naked body under the unforgiving light of many a high street changing room.
It is because of this that I believe from now on, on CSI when they find a female suicide 'vic', the first question they should ask is, "Has she been shopping recently? Had she been trying on clothes?" because holy jesus, I was about to take a nap on the freeway this afternoon.
What is it about trying on clothes that suddenly makes eating disorders seem so plausible? Like,
"Yup. Never eating again. Sounds good. Should I just drink protein shakes and eat paper for the rest of my life? Why not! It would mean I could probably find some fucking clothes to wear."
Is it just me that feels like a disproportionate slob every time I go shopping for new clothes?
Do clothing companies have a deal with Slim Fast that they'll keep making horribly shaped, inaccurately sized clothing as long as it keeps women hating themselves so much they'll do nothing but drink chocolate-dung flavored "milkshakes" in order to lose weight?
What the fuck is up with clothes!?!!
Is it so unnatural to have some fucking junk in the trunk? Aren't women supposed to have hips? Am I not allowed to have any fat on my stomach?!
Anti Size Zero my fat fucking ass, man.
I consider myself to be pretty level headed. I feel pretty good about myself and have been trying hard to carefully balance wanting to lose weight and feel better about myself and not going into Crazy Diet Land where I start keeping a food diary and denying myself everything that is good in life.
But there is something about buying new clothes that sends me into a really dark, horrible place.
There is something about a changing room mirror and a stack of trousers in three different sizes (none of which that fit) that makes me want to violently punch the girl in the stall next to me that's whining that "THESE 10's ARE JUST, LIKE, FALLING OFF ME!" in the face...and then go eat a whole pizza by myself. And a milkshake. And a cheeseburger from McDonalds.
...and a Frappuccino. (Or 8.)
I'm not just trying to be a Drama Queen. I'm not even making this all up for the sake of writing a funny post. I was seriously at my wits end today.
The reasonably "business" type clothing that's available for women to buy is pure and utter CRAP.
What is that material that they use? That sparkly, itchy, crunchy black shit! It's horrible!
I couldn't find ONE pair of black dress pants to buy. Not one. Why? Because they look horrific on me.
They made me look like I have a BA in CAMEL TOE. Never mind the weird way that they manage to clasp really high on my waist, push all my love handle and lower stomach fat up so that I have the most prolific Muffin Top of all time - WHY THE CAMEL TOE?! Isn't a Muffin Top enough to make me want to stop eating anything but Special K?
Do Muffin Top and Camel Toe scream, "Hello. I am a highly successful business woman."
NO. They scream MONS PUBIS and NOT A FAN OF WORKING OUT.
Do you want to know how many shops I went into today? 10
How many pairs of pants did I try on? 10-13
How many tops? 4
And which store do you think I ended up buying something in? Oh yes, the first fucking store I went into. Why I just didn't stay there and look a bit harder and try on a few more outfits I will never comprehend.
And the annoying part is, I ALWAYS DO THIS!!!
I'll find what I want straight away, then waste 2 more hours of my time wandering around trying on ill fitting pants for the off chance I'll find something cheaper/better/faster/stronger.
This, let me tell you, rarely happens.
I opted for a skirt, a nice blouse, and a black cardigan. I'm not terribly excited about the outfit, but it looks really nice on, and I won't have to worry about Camel Toe.
Not having to worry about Camel Toe is all I can ask for, really...
Comments
H&M at least has the decency to install mirrors that lie to my face while their soft lighting makes me look like I just came back from the riviera, but most of the times I walk out of changing rooms promising myself never to eat again, peel my skin, excersize, get fake nails, hair, that facial treatment that takes away all the blemishes, detox....
OMG...I have been doing the same thing. I tortured myself yesterday and several days last week over the same things. I just want some decent professional-looking pants to wear to the office that doesn't cost a fortune. Why is that so hard? I can almost forgive them for the material used nowadays....but I cannot forgive them for the low rise on everything. Since when did low rise on dress pants suddenly become professional looking? That is why the camel toe appears...its because its that damn low rise. And to be extra insulting, the pant legs are usually extra long. So I end up trying to put on pants with not enough room up top and too much material at the bottom. What a total fubar!
I, luckily, ended up with 3 dresses from H&M and a couple of tops. But I still want/need pants! (they can't expect me to shave my legs EVERY day! :p)
I am so tired of being made to feel crappy because of someone else's decision on how of-the-rack clothing is designed and cut.
Yeah, the clothing industry sucks. It's going anti normal sized people.
I don't tend to associate camel toe with not working out - I associate it with bad cuts of trousers. I know exactly what you mean about changing rooms though - what is with the lighting that a lot of shops use?
Cate, do you really think size affects this? I get just as aggravated about feeling like a fat ass and things not fitting well now as I did 50 lbs ago. We went shopping recently for clothes for me, and I hated damn near every single thing I put on because now instead of being totally overweight, I have a "totally weird shaped body!" and then whine about being an hourglass. Sure, it SOUNDS great to be an hourglass, but good luck finding clothes that will ACTUALLY fit. Most of the time, shit only half fits, and that's annoying. It's a fine line among hoochie and classy and frumpy when your body is so oddly shaped.
While I don't have camel toe in my clothing, I can relate to, "I fucking hate every single article of clothing I put on my body, and I waste inordinate amounts of time trying to find something better only to discover, 15 stores later, that there is nothing better, and thus i'm stuck with 'subpar.'"
I wear a lot more skirts now simply for the fact that a 5'2", hourglass shaped girl has a fucking impossible time finding decent fitting and looking work pants, without spending ridiculous amounts of money on them or having to have every pair hemmed 5"... and if that's the case, the crotch usually hangs 5" too low as well!
You could be a size 1. Unfortunately, it doesn't really go away. (The camel toe might, but everything else doesn't.)
Or go nude...
I don't think Camel Toe is due to weight. Muffin top (at least for me) is. I didn't have Muffin Top when I was a US 6. Camel Toe is totally due to poorly made pants. (And pants that are too small.)
Cranky Pants - If the Camel Toe Cup were real, I would totally buy it for you. But then I would expect you to post photos of it...and that would just be weird. I would rather shop for a bathing suit than jeans. True story.
Jenni - There's an H&M in Epsom that has the only dressing room I've ever wanted to stay in and never leave. Maybe it was the lighting, maybe it was the mirrors, or maybe I was drunk. I don't know, but it was magic.
FoxyDee - When I was thinner and richer (oh how I miss US tax returns...) I bought a really expensive suit from Express. The pants were glorious. But seriously, where the fuck can you buy nice dress pants that won't cost you a fucking arm and a leg!? H&M is magic! (Unfortunately, it wasn't for me today.)
Crom74 - Moosknuckle!? That's the grossest name of all time!!! LOL
Oink - The lights are suppose to highlight all your "flaws" and make you want to jump off a cliff...that's all I can come up with.
Redzilla - I tried on pants that were eiter showing my ass crack or were hanging on in the underwire of my bra. I. Don't. Get. It.
LeendaDLL - I love buying new jeans, because then that means I don't have to go buy new ones for another year. That's how rarely I go jeans shopping. (I probably shouldn't admit that.)
EverybodyLovesAnIrishGirl - Nope.I totally understand that weight doesn't affect this. I recall bitching when I was thinner that my pants were too big and that everything made me look like I had a flat ass. No matter how tiny or how big or how "normal" we all are, NOTHING FUCKING FITS. What's with that!?!
What do we need to do to get these manufacturers to get with the program??
Congrats on finding a store that makes stuff to fit you!!! Holy cow you have quite the endowment!!! I used to think I was cursed with 34 D because I felt like every shirt looked like a "boob shirt" even if it wasn't, but you have me beat! I will have to see if there are any bravissimos over here in the states. I hate buying shirts because if they fit my boobs well, they make the rest of me look chunky, but if they fit the rest of me, my boobs look like an explosion. Express is one of the few stores That i've found that has tops that somewhat fit and curve in more on the bottom than other tops. (better than MOST places.)
Yea.. it's funny how hourglass figures are praised for being "sexy" and "curvy" but those of us who suffer through them just want to toss them out the damn window. My waist is a 4, but my hips are typically a 6-8, plus i'm short, so I need to wear "petite" or find a 28" inseam. So aggravating. I only have ONE pair of jeans that actually fits, and they are el cheapo from a discount store, so the button came off in the wash and now i have to pin the button section with a safety pin when i wear them, which is yet another aggravation. (unfortunately, the button can't be fixed.)
Well, at least skirts look good on me,... too bad i prefer pants :(
Sarahism - I love shopping, just not when I HAVE to find something. I find the greatest things when I'm just sort of wandering around and am in a good mood. If I HAVE to find something, I usually panic buy. Which is never good.
Iain - Sweatpants and Uggs. You know how I hate it...but for flying it sounds pretty comfy. Oh wait that's right, I decided I was going to stop looking like white trash when I travel from now on.
Navelgazer - The Depressing Room!? LOL I'm totally calling it that from now on!!!
Gemma - I need to get more dresses. But that means I need more money. Damn!
YF - What's weird is that I hate the former skinnier version of myself that didn't realize that when I was as small as I was, I should have gone buck wild and bought a million different outfits. Ugh.
Minim - DUDE. Boobs ruin EVERYTHING. I went to Bravissimo and got measured, they told me I'm a 32 FF. I didn't even know an Fcup existed!!! I don't know what the equivelent is in the US, but jesus. I hope they were just lying to me so that I felt obligated to buy expensive Big Girl bras.
EverybodlovesanIrishgirl - Word. I'm pretty curvy. My waist is high and smaller than the rest of me, but I've got pretty curvy hips and tits. If I could wear these every day of my life I would. But I'm currently rather, um, broke.
Carla - Saggy ass. Mmmmm....
Minim - The thing with the Bravissimo clothing though...A lot of the stuff I've tried on there tends to be overly COVER YOURSELF UP. I tried on a wrap dress that looked awesome in the catalog, then when I tried it on, I looked about 10 years older than I am, and like I hadn't been laid in about the same lengtth of time.
I do find it odd that you guys have trouble finding clothes for hourglass figures. I would kill for an hourglass figure since I have no hips and all the pants I try on have a ton of extra fabric in that area, they make me look like a boy that's wearing his sisters pants. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm not in England.
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