Girl,all the heart-shaped lobster ravioli in the world ain't gonna make that boy love you!
"Be Mine!"
"Be My Valentine!"
"Kiss Me!"
"I Got You Babe!"
Just as the thought of a white, pouffy, wedding made me want to throw myself into a pit of 100,000 burning copies of Martha Stewart: Martha's Wedding Ideas...I'm guessing you can take a wild stab at my feelings toward Valentine's Day.
I was all set to write a "All of My Hilariously Disappointing Valentine's Day Experiences" post, straight Bridget Jones style, yo...
But then I came across this tit of an article, entitled: "Why I Hate Valentine's Day: 6 ways the holiday wreaks havoc".
Before reading, I was like, "Oh awesome, this should be interesting!"...
And by about half way through, I had already broken out into hives, and was desperately searching the flat for a paper bag to breathe in.
According to this article, the "6 Reasons" that Valentine's Day is so horrible are:
1) Valentine’s Day makes people afraid to start dating someone
2) Valentine’s Day can wreak havoc for those who date around
3) Valentine’s Day can bring a couple to make-or-break status
4) Valentine’s Day can cause a relationship to linger... too long
5) Valentine’s Day ratchets up the pressure to have a perfect night
6) Valentine’s Day forces you to play Kreskin on the gift front
Some of these are just obvious, and very "OMG. Waaah. I'm single. My life is miserable." But JEEZUS, some of the things that were written in this article made me want to hunt down the writer and interviewees, beat them over the head with a copy of He's Just Not That In To You, and raid their homes for whatever "You Must Be In A Couple To Be Worthy Of Living & How To Make Your Crappy Relationship Work At Any Cost!" book that they're clutching to their bosom every night whilst they cry them self to sleep.
The article is just filled with the contradictions and the gaping holes that are in women's "logic" of what Valentine's Day and romance should be, and is just further proof that when it comes to VDay, MEN CAN'T FUCKING WIN.
One of the women interviewed, Heather, said:
“I hate seeing girls carrying home flowers that their boyfriends sent them, because I know that’s never me, even when I have a boyfriend—that’s just not how I am in a relationship. All of the expressions have just become formulaic—why bother if you know what’s coming?"
The writer (whom I'm so stoked to rip on I'm practically foaming with
anticipation) went on to talk about Heather's idea of Valentine' Day
and said,
"She says she’d rather her boyfriend did something nice for her unprompted than something “romantic,” just because it’s a day when he’s “supposed” to. So much focus on one little day can actually make people start to second-guess the hearts and candy they do get—is he really that into you, or did he just pick up the generic be-a-good-boyfriend package on his way home? "
Well, what I take away from this, is that maybe women don't want the typical romantic Valentine's Day bullshit gifts, but still want effort and romance. Maybe their boyfriend can tell that, and think that he'll get her something thoughtful that she'll actually use! Ya know, not just flowers that will die, chocolate that will get eaten (probably by himself), or a necklace that will get worn once every 7 months...
The author of this column wrote about friend's boyfriend who "had a knack for giving her exactly what she needed" like, for example "a toaster, a rolling pin, a hot-glue gun". That seems thoughtful isn't it? Maybe those are things she always says she wants, but will never go buy. However, apparently these gifts had "so little romantic quotient" that her friend quite frequently ended up spending VDay night "in the bathroom sobbing". Her friend's reasoning?
“I mean really, how could I not take those gifts as a sure sign that he thought of me as a pal he happens to sleep with rather than the sexy woman who rocks his world?”
For fuck sake! Seriously? Would you rather lingerie? Oh no, I imagine that would make him out to be only interested in sex, in your body, or that he wished you looked more like the girls in FHM.
What does a boyfriend/husband get the lady of his life to make her feel like she's "the sexy woman who rocks his world" without having her in the bathroom crying over a gift.
While a toaster or a hot glue gun isn't typically romantic, I can see the thought behind it. It shows that he was listening to her when she said she wanted on. That he remembered. That he wanted to her to have something she could really use! I could understand if he bought her a useful gift that she didn't actually need, but fuck! What do you women want?!!?
I loved how the writer also used women's own blind fantasies of Valentine's Day as "proof" that this holiday is bad because it "causes" couples to "make-or-break" their status. Her proof? Sophie, a lawyer in Putnam County, New York's sad little Valentine's tale.
"'I did the whole bed and breakfast suite in the country thing—very storybook,'she says. When her honey got there, he took one look at the overwhelmingly romantic (some might say stifling) set-up and decided that he really wasn’t ready to move in with her, as they had been discussing. Everything was seeming too couple-y, too fast for him. 'Lovely timing, right by the fireplace,' she recalls."
That poor girl! Just look at what that evil St.Valentine caused her boyfriend to do! Never mind that she clearly wouldn't be able to identify a red flag if it beat her over the fucking head, or that she obviously hadn't clearly gauged her boyfriend's readiness to move in correctly, OR that they obviously had communication problems...It's that Stupid Cupid's fault. This holiday is pure evil.
Just as most weddings and engagements that are fuelled purely by the Bride/Fiancée's psychotic plans and expectations
efforts; a Valentine's Day that is planned and organized only by the
female half of the relationship is, clearly, not a good sign. Take more
of the "proof" that Valentine's Day is evil, this time from another
interviewee, Suzanne, a copy editor from Boston:
Can we all pause for a moment to reflect on the aroma of bullshit that is seeping from this quote? Who the fuck spends all day to "treat" their boyfriend by making fucking HEART-SHAPED LOBSTER RAVIOLI and MOTHER FUCKING CHOCOLATE SOUFFLÉ if they're "not into" all the Valentine's Day bullshit? Are you serious? And then to go on to say that you "didn't expect anything" is fucking bullshit! She clearly didn't get flowers to TEST her boyfriend to see if he "knew or cared" about her "at all"!"One year, I decided to treat my guy, and I made a really fancy dinner—red, heart-shaped lobster ravioli, champagne, chocolate soufflé,” she says. For all her hard work, the one thing she skipped buying was flowers, assuming that her guy would at least pick those up out of instinct. “Nothing, nada,” she says. “Here I thought I really didn’t expect anything, because I’m not into that as a holiday, but I was still wondering if this guy even knew me or cared about me at all."
I can just picture her earlier that day, on the phone with him while she delicately cuts ravioli shells into little hearts telling him,
"No, really sweets, I don't want anything for Valentine's Day. I hate that stuff. Seriously, don't you worry! You know me, babe...Me? Oh, I'm not doing anything. I'm just reading a magazine!" ...Really babe, I'm not preparing Chocolate Soufflé or anything! And I'm definitely not secretly hoping you'll propose tonight or nothin'!
Perhaps the worst of all this, was when the author uses the excuse of "Valentine’s Day can cause a relationship to linger... too long" as one of her 6 reasons VDay sucks a big fat one.
Her proof? She once stayed with a guy who "didn’t even have a TV, for starters" but was "nice enough" and "that all my friends
thought he was way hot" because she DID NOT WANT TO BE SINGLE ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
She said she knew their relationship was over earlier that winter, but
"obviously I wasn’t going to break things off during the holidays" and
then stayed with him until after Valentine's day.
"It would have been easier to call the relationship DOA earlier rather than stretch it out unhappily in the hopes of being coupled-up on Cupid’s special day. In my case, it seems, St. Valentine's was the patron saint of emotional inertia."
However, things start to make more sense after reading the small print at the bottom of the column. The writer of the article?
Laura Gilbert.
Laura Gilbert who was once the Senior Editor for Maxim magazine. I have no idea why she left the magazine, however, all I really found was a collection of articles she wrote for Maxim while being the Senior Editor.
Articles like: "
Take Her Home…Guaranteed!" where Gilbert gives advice to Maxim Men about how to trick a woman into having a one night stand,
Her "we" meaning just women in general. Obviously, her insight into the female psyche is uncanny."Whether or not we’ll admit it, a night of anonymous debauchery is often exactly what we want!"
Or perhaps you'll enjoy her "Sexy Coeds Confess" article where she let's Maxim readers in on how "university hotties really get down".
She's like, the nerdy looking "GV behind the curtain" who's the Queen of Female Chauvinist Pigs . Okay, maybe not the Queen...but definitely a Duchess.
So, what's my own personal take on Valentine's Day?
I used to be a Valentine's Day whore.
Prior to being with ye old idiot (aka Spencer) I had only been on one Valentine-esque date with the elf-like lead singer of my second favorite punk band at my high school.
He gave me a mixed tape, and a card, and I was like, soooo totally excited when I got home. I actually had a Valentine!
Cut to 20 minutes later when my phone rings, and it's The Punk Elf, letting me know that he got back together with his ex girlfriend, and advised me to not listen to the tape he gave me...as he had recorded San Dimas High School Footbal Rules for me, and had -so romantically- replaced the name Whitney with my name.
Awesome.
Somehow, over the years, I would manage to morph into a "bitter, single girl" every February 14th, even while I had a boyfriend. I would spend so much time fantasizing about the gifts I could receive, or what my boyfriend might have planned, that by the time the damn day actually came, anything other than a pair of glass slippers and a horse-drawn carriage would caused me to end up sobbing in the bathroom.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be wooed, swept off your feet, or be so drunk on romance that it's a struggle to not puke on your lover.
I just think that too many women are so starved for any form of romance or happiness in love, that they use this holiday as a "sign". Like, if he can't get his shit together and be romantic enough on VALENTINE'S DAY, then he really doesn't love me.
In some cases, he won't because -you're right- he doesn't really love you.
But there's also the fact that he may really love you, and you just have your head shoved so far up Lifetime and Hallmark's ass, that you wouldn't appreciate his gifts, no matter how heartfelt or thoughtful they were.
I'm not saying that you need to settle in order to be happy...
But, at least for me, I've found that once you have the "Omg this is so great I think I'm seriously going to throw up on your shoes" love...you won't be secretly longing for gifts and heart-shaped lobster raviolis.
Iain and I are staying in. We're cooking curry, using the £14 that's left on a HMV gift card from Christmas to buy a new DVD, gettin' drunk, and maybe we'll go all the way, but we'll just leave that to drunken chance, no?
The thought of roses, or flowers, chocolate, and a candlelight table for 2 doesn't gross me out.
It's the thought of doing that stuff while every other couple in the world is, and for the same reason every one else is, just seems a bit weird.
Plus, anything that is elaborately planned out and arranged simply because of a random date on a calendar isn't nearly as romantic as going to celebrate something simply because you want to...not because it's expected.
Romance is what you make it.
The other side of this is that, when asked, "What are you doing for Valentine's Day!?!!?" you're either supposed to sob and chug wine because MY GAWD you're SINGLE ON VALENTINE'S DAY, or squeal in delight if you have a boyfriend because your man has something super duper special and neat-o planned.
BUT, if you're one of those couples who could give a heart-shaped, organic chocolate-dipped fuck about Valentine's Day...No one believes you!
Valentine's Day isn't supposed to be evil, but over the years, I think our own romance-starved relationships have fueled the wide-spread epidemic of unrealistic expectations of what Valentine's Dya is supposed to be about.
I'm not going to let it drive me nuts or wear black and I'll even try to resist the urge to pelt every couple I see that's pretending to like one another and trying not bicker for a full 24 hours with those "Fuck You" candy hearts...
It's just a damn day.
Sure everyone is being more disgusting, and fake than usual...and it can,
understandably, rub your own unpleasant romantic situation in your
face..
.
But why not just take some personal responsibility for your life, and stop
placing blame on half naked,arrow slinging cherubs, or on clueless
boyfriends who can't read your mind and magically know that that YES YOU WOULD like him to buy you some flowers.
PLEASE do not end up crying in the bathroom tomorrow over an electric shaver your boyfriend bought you, or pointlessly slaving away over heart-shaped lobster raviolis hoping it will beguile your boyfriend into being a grateful lover, when really, romantically shaped pasta cannot, and will not ever change a miserable twat into the loving, appreciative man of your dreams.
Just say NO! to heart-shaped ravioli, this Valentine's Day....
...And just say YES! to alcohol and the possibility of going all the way.
Comments
Couldn't put it any better than that.
I think V-day is overrated. Our big day is our wedding Anniversary day. That's the day we shower each other with gifts and candy and dinner and all that good stuff...
Now, back in High School when we used to just be "boyfriend & girlfriend", yes, we did the whole buy each other gifts, send each other V-day grams in school and bought teddy bears and stuff...
But, eh! Now it's just like any other day to us. No big deal. No gifts. Nobody gets hurt. We just kiss and hug each other like we do every other day. And we're satisfied. Maybe make some delicious Mexican Dish... =)
Great entry girl!
This Valentines day I will be sitting on the roof with a high powered sniper rifle shooting all those smug couples who think it's so cute! I'm a modern Cupid shooting bullets of love, can't you feel it?
Our plans for Valentines Day are not to spend a gross amount of money on each other. We are going biking (if it doesn't bloody rain!) or going to the cinema in the afternoon to see Hot Fuzz!
Our evening will be just like yours I reckon. A curry and some boozeage and we may watch the Brits!! Hehehe! How romantic eh? (It is to me!) :)
I love romance and nice gestures, but we love each other regardless. We may get cards, we may not. We just don't put the pressure on each other to live up to the hype of it all!
:)
Actually last year J bought me a pile of Clarins stuff... and I didn't even prompt him!! What a guy! ;)
This year he is getting a framed photo of my Vox Profile picture!! LOL
Why is it cute, romantic, intelligent, or even rational to spend five minutes texting a message that you could have said in 30 seconds if you used the cell as a phone?!?!?!
Ha!! I read the same article this morning.
We haven't even mentioned tomorrow to each other, but you know why. =P
i am a sucker though. I bought him some goodies that I happen to nkow he is very fond of while i was in milwaukee this weekend. whatever. i can't help myself. there's just that little piece that wants to have the same hope he does, like a big, fat sucker.
It doesn't take five minutes if you can work out how to use predictive text!! ;)
I am not a fan of text messages... although I do use them to some extent. I don't like phoning people though either, I just like talking to myself, I am much more fun! And I don't answer myself back. Not all the time anyway!
I would much rather say "I love you" to J's face or on the phone, but sometimes a little text message had cheered him up (and vice versa) when it has been difficult to phone at work.
Romance is what you make it and Valentine's Day is creepy, especially when you think about all the meaningless, thoughtless, ridiculous teddy bear, chocolate sex that's going on...
ew.
I can't agree more, Cate.
Valentine's Day just makes me ill. I think it is like so many other holidays, it has gotten too commercialised and the true meaning is lost. We aren't doing anything special tomorrow, either. A curry, bottle of wine and the Brits sounds nice to me.
This is probably why we got married in the Register Office in Penzance rather than having a big wedding. I just couldn't see myself doing the whole wedding bit so we had a short and sweet wedding and it suited us fine.
As a man, reading your blog as so refreshing. An expression of love is supposed to be given unconditionally with no expectation of anything in return. Valentine's Day has become all about expectations. When that happened, the meaning of the holiday was lost. The problem isn't Valentine's Day, it is what society has made of it (and love in general, for that matter).
This is SO TRUE. I could not give a fat fuck about Valentine's Day, ever since I got married. We might exchange a card, if it's a funny one, and maybe go all the way ;) but we're just not that into it. We don't need a holiday to remind us we're in love. He cleans out the cat litter box, every time. I have never cleaned the catbox in the almost six years we've been married. Now that's love.
Once again, fantastically well said/written, Cate.
I love you because you said "fat fuck"!! I don't know anyone else who says that apart from me!! Yeh!
(sorry for detracting from the point of the post again!) ;)
*sigh* but i'm so alone, cate?! why am i so alone on valentine's day! it's taunting me!
*snort* ok, i really couldn't keep that up long. i've never really seen the point of valentine's day. to me, it gives women a bad name--as a whole we just seem to put waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much pressure on our men to put out gobs of money to get us "romantic" gifts. whatever. i'm not about that. also, i'm quite sick of chocolate covered strawberries, since working in that chocolate store. oh, and i saw the worst of the expectations, too. it really turned me off.
a good v'day to me, would be pretty much exactly what you're doing: order take away, watch a horror movie, and drink, followed by possibly going all the way.
however, i'm single, so i'll be staying in and doing my usual weekday stuff. i refuse to let a contrived holiday make me feel guilty about being single when i thoroughly enjoy being on my own. so i'm my Valentine, and i know i'll live up to all my expectations.
btw, LOOOOOVE the wedding singer songs. LOVE IT!
Fawning over a clump of fake fur in bandit mask? You stole my heart???
Anyway, I felt sorry for the "actors" and when it was over I told the husband, "If you ever buy me a Vermont bear for any occasion, expect divorce papers to follow."
His response? "I'll make a note."
I love you.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I'll second that! Where can I sign up for this Teddy Bear Chocolate Sex? It can be meaningless, I don't mind. Just be sure to pretend to love me... or feed me more chocolate.
Let me count the ways:
1. Love does not come in a heart-shaped anything - whether covered in stretched red satin or velvet or suede.
2. There is no "love day" - unless it is something you create yourself - an anniversary or some other day you and your sweetie want to recognize as your own.
3. Commercializing stuff DOES cheapen it. And that is a fact.
4. If women would focus on more important things like, oh, say, does he make eye contact with you when he is with you; and does he ask you how your day was and listen to your answer; and does he tell you he loves you; and does he kiss you tenderly; does he hold your hand (if you like to have your hand held); does he take you on dates and laugh with you; and does he make you laugh; does he try to get you to smile when you need to smile; do his eyes light up when he sees you at the end of a long day - all that stuff is important - the other stuff is just FLUFF.
5. Romantic gestures are only meaningful if they are backed up with consistent, loving, compassionate actions that show you how he really feels about you.
6. Expecting a man to enjoy something romantic the same way a woman would is silly and unrealistic. My idea of a romantic gift to my man is music he has been wishing he could buy - a cd or a concert on dvd; surprising him with a computer gadget he's been dying to have but didn't want to spend money on...cooking for him is nice - but he doesn't see that as anything but a meal, most of the time.
7. Flowers? Gimme a break. If I get them I always say thank you and ooh and ahh over the brilliant colors or the scent or both - but seriously? Is this such a big deal? They will die. Plant me a tulip border if you want to do something nice. Otherwise, save our money.
So, judging from this comment I guess I only love you 7 ways. But that's good enough for me - we're just VOX neighbors after all, what did you expect?
Word of advice for any guys reading this who ARE planning to send a woman flowers (for V Day or any other day):
You'll get quadruple bonus points if you deliver them to her work... cause then she gets the reinforcement of a bunch of other women oohing & awwwing over them too. Trust me on this.
However, I was titsed off the year my boyfriend at the time announced he wasn't going to get me anything for v-day because he didn't believe in the commercial side of it and would rather get me a present another time.
He didn't.
I've never enjoyed getting flowers at work. I've never cared when other women at my work got flowers. I never oooh or awww other people's flowers (or Vermont teddy bears). But then, I am also the girl who doesn't give a crap about how big your engagement ring is or who designed your wedding gown...
I felt the need to be the devil's advocate...
I still don't get the whole heart = love thing. All this heart-shaped crap annoys me. If we must put up with the Valentine stuff all over from late December to mid February, at least they could make it lip shaped (or maybe genitalia -- but then people would get really riled up) or something associated with gettin' some.
a] Guys are not mind-readers.
b] Check out Be my anti-valentine
Great post... and whats even more worrying is that at lunch yesterday, in the local supermarket they were swarming like flies in the "V-Day section"... yes men AND WOMEN... buying last minute heart shaped chocolates, cheap Buy-one-get-on-free-cos-we-aint-gonna-sell-any-tomorra Teddy Bears, and the last of crop of valentines day cards - Nothing say's you're special than a "You'll do" valentines day card.
Meanwhile our homemade curry, 3 for 2 DVDs and a gallon of candy couldn't be more perfect :)
Let's go back to Lupercalia, with the flogging and revelry and the drinking, please.
I work in an office composed almost entirely of women, and I'm surrounded by this kind of look-how-much-he-loves-me bullshit. It's amost physically painful.
Congrats on TIG!
This IS good. Of course I agree 100000%! :)
my current guy friend, whatever, wanted to make a big deal and i went a little off on him. he did not get how i detest a day that dictates how people feel....he treats me all the time how a guy should, not holding off for a special day that hallmark says we should, so we spent it snowed in, watching netflix and being normal!
Ruthy-
Thank you, my lovely :)
LeendaDLL-
Thank you so much for always sparking discussion and further imput on my posts!!! I so appreciate all of your support...but mostly because you're my secret online lover and personal Tshirt shopper...lol....I think sending flowers to your lady flowers it's nice to do it at work, but yes, depending on her commute after work!
Lil Pink Frogs-
Your valentine's day sounded perfect! Kinda similiar to me and my husbands...Very chill, just at home...but it was great....although all of our nights in are like that. Amazing how much fun you can have when you actually enjoy each other's company! lol
Mad & Beautiful-
LOL, 7 reasons is good enough! Does this mean we're going steady, now? lol
Lizinator-
If they could, I'm sure people would just flag YOU as "possibly offensive" LOL. I love you!!!
Meg-
I would love to runaway with you and live in sin. We could shave our heads like Britney Spears, change our names to Bertha and Gertrude, and start a tarot card reading business in Canada. I am practically quivering with excitement.
Redzilla-
I cleaned the dirty dishes before Iain got home on Valentine's Day...that's romantic, too. lol
JodiPodi-
Oh how you make me laugh...I heart you :)
Fallen Anjel-
Cate how about some of you ladies be honest with your guys and really let them know what you would like, and quit playing mind games
Absolutely. That was basically the "moral of my rant", lol. I think a part of why women don't actually speak up and say what they want, is that they feel their boyfriend should just "know" what they want, and want to be surprised by his gift and be overwhelmed with amazement that he picked out the perfect gift for her all on his own! If they were to be honest and say what they wanted, it kills that romantic idea that he should just know...The whole "I shouldn't have to tell you what to get me for my birthday" thing...I've been there. However, if you're with someone who really does know you, this isn't really an issue. I think sometimes we all get stumped on what to buy our significant other, but it's because we can't decide on what to get them or can't afford to get them all that we like...Not that we don't know them well enough and just go, "Uh, honey, what should I get you that's romantic and thoughtful for your birthday??"
Such a bit thank you to everyone who read this, and took the time to comment...and to whoever out there suggested this for TIG :)
Thank you!!!!!
Articles like: " Take Her Home…Guaranteed!" where Gilbert gives advice to Maxim Men about how to trick a woman into having a one night stand
<Jaw drop> Dude. Seriously?
She's like, the nerdy looking "GV behind the curtain"
Bwahahahah, that's a great phrase.