Facetiousness is the new terrorism

Parcel Force: Sucking all kinds of ass - internationally!

As previously mentioned, Monday I was threatened by an 86-year-old postal worker to be "refused service". Yes. It's true.

My aunt and my mom both sent me wedding/birthday presents (we like to do things "better late than never" in my family...) and the mother fuckers over at PARCEL FORCE were holding them hostage.

Monday, July 10, I receive a "Sorry we missed you!" notice because I actually have a job and don't stay at home in my cupcake slippers all day any more.

So I phoned them up to have them send it to my local post office, and of course, got someone who spoke a language other than COHERENT AND MAKES SENSE, so it didn't go all that well.

"When we deliver?"

"Yesterday."

"You call back tomorrow, your parcel not delivered to depot yet."

"But it says on the note it IS at the depot and to contact you within five days..."

"Yes, you call back tomorrow."

"You don't even have my name, though. How do you know that?"

"YOU CALL BACK TOMORROW."

So then I did CALL BACK TOMORROW and thought instead of speaking to more people who don't understand me, I thought I'd talk to a robot. After spelling out my post code, and full address, we were at the whole, "What is your name?" bit...

"Please.Spell. Out. Your. Sur. Name."

"H-A-S-S-E-L-H-O-F-F**"

"Now. Please. Spell. Out. Your. First...Name."

"C-A-I-T-L-I-N"

"...You said: GAIL Hasselhoff.....Is that correct?"

He's just mad because his arms are so short.

I spent all day Friday waiting for the package that never came, so I called Ye Old Fucker named Parcel Force and talked to someone who spoke English and said for some reason the system said I meant to have it redelivered on Monday...FINE, I said. Send it to my local post office on Monday and I'll pick it up "after 3pm" like he said.

So, I take walk to the post office at 4, all excited because FINALLY I shall have my boxes.

"Hi, I have two parcels to pick up." I nicely said to the half-dead man behind the glass.

"TWO? Can I see your ID please?" (No one could possibly love you enough to send TWO!)

"Sure...The only thing is that my passport still has my maiden name on it, and the packages are being sent to my married name."

"OH....WELL. That's different than."

"Well, no, not really. My married name is Hasselhoff, so my package will be for Caitlin Hasselhoff. BUT, you can see on both of my visas in my passport that I am married to Iain Hasselhoff. So."

The old man looked at my passport, and I could see on his wrinkled, pompous face that my passport said TERRORIST all over it.

"But this isn't your ID then."

"Are you joking? Yes it is. It's just my maiden name."

"No. I am QUITE serious. This is not your ID then."

"What? Yes it is! That's ME. It's just my maiden name! You can see on my visa that that's my husband's last name!"

"...Well....Are the packages for your husband?"

"No. They're for me."

"Oh! Well then that's different."

"What?!"

"This isn't your ID."

"What? Are you telling me that I should have brought my marriage certificate down here?"

"If you CONTINUE to be so FACTIOUS I am going to REFUSE TO SERVE YOU."

"Oh, really? I've been trying to get this package for a WEEK and the Royal Mail and Parcel Force have been ANYTHING but helpful. I need those packages. That is MY ID."

I was so fucking mad I could have set him aflame. I didn't know what pissed me off more:

The fact that he would have given me the packages if they were for IAIN, but not for me.

Or that he got his ancient knickers in a twist because a young, American girl DARED tell him he was being ridiculous and threatened to not serve me for being FACTIOUS.

 Facetiousness is the new Terrorism, folks. Look out.

But, at the end of all that, my mama sent me some cupcake wellies from Target that I was drooling after, so, in the end, all was well.

Lesson of the day: If you're sending things internationally, use FedEx or UPS. Parcel force sucks balls of all kinds and sorts, and The Royal Mail is filled with crotchety old uptight people who will refuse you service if you don't treat them as the ALL MIGHTY MAIL GODS that they are...

Cupcake wellies. Oh yes.

**No Iain's last name is not Hasselhoff. I'm just preventing people from bombing our house and putting horse heads in our bed.