Dear Women at the gym (who like to stare at my ass)...
Dear Women at the gym,
Hello. I know we haven't properly met, but I wanted to take this opportunity to reach out to you, considering we've been seeing a lot of each other lately.
(Yes, once a week is 'a lot' to me.)
I'm sure you must know who I am, as you have spent plenty a minute observing me. See, I'm the girl on the Elliptical machine next to you only going for 10 minutes at a speed of 6.7. I know you enjoy how slow I'm going because you keep looking over to make sure you're going faster than me.
I assure you, you are. You're the fastest Ellipitcal machine rider of all time. You win.
(Plus, it's my WARM-UP!!!)
And yes, that was me next to you on the treadmill ranting to my husband that I can't, "FUCKING believe I have to come to THE GYM and then am forced to stare at some dancer's FUCKING ass JIGGLE all over the place!!! This isn't a music video! THIS IS SOFTCORE PORN!!!" in between sweaty pants as I power walk because I "don't do running."
And just because I know you heard it, yes, that was me who farted next to you while you were taking up the whole floor doing your pilates exercises. It slipped. I'm sorry.
I can imagine why this was so alarming for you because clearly, you don't have gas. That would require eating.
I also just wanted you to know that YES, that's me in the lime green bikini from Old Navy two years ago that walked past you while you were perched on the jaccuzzi wall.
And,yeah, I could totally seeing you staring at my ass in horror as I walked by.
Our eyes met when I purposely turned around to catch you staring at my ass, and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed how startled you were that OH MY GOD THE WOMAN THAT THE ASS IS ATTACHED TO HAS EYES.
I know it must be quite alarming, that I dare turn around and catch you in your sneaky past time of staring at other women who dare display the fat on their bodies IN PUBLIC and critiquing them and reassuring yourself that No...My ass is definitely smaller. Thank God. If I ever get that fat, I'll just kill myself. Ugh.
I know I have some nerve obstructing your view of the hallway to the steam room with my stretch marks.
And my cellulite.
And that ingrown hair on my shin.
Dude, I'm totally sorry. I know.
I'm, like, tooootally nastified.
But here's the thing. I'm going to the gym for a reason. And it's probably not why you're here.
I'm here, ladies, for my mental health. I'm here, for my physical health. And yeah, I'm to stay a bit more toned so I can eat my pizza and cupcakes and not have to keep buying a bigger pair of jeans every fucking 3 months.
To the girls in the pink track suits afraid of going any faster than 3.2 on the Elliptical because you're afraid of sweating, GOD ALMIGHTY GO HOME.
If you have nothing better to do than stare at other women and their fat in the pool area, why don't you go busy yourself with a session with a personal trainer, or go suck on a popsicle?
I may not be as dedicated as you are on the Power Plate, or lifting as much weight on the abduction machine, or be afraid of walking around in my bathing suit because everyone will see my thighs jiggle but that doesn't give you any more right to be here than me.
So, ladies. I just wanted to cut you a deal.
If you happen to be one of those women talking in the steam room about the £1million home in Cobham you were just looking at and how crazy you are because you forgot to tell your husband you were going to be at Yoga until 10pm last night I'm going to make you as uncomfortable as possible.
Yes, that was me who farted in the shower. (Again. It slipped.)
That was me standing there naked as long as possible while you and your gal pal Sandy discussed preschool prices and low fat salad dressing.
It may not seem like the most clever revenge I can get on your rudeness and irritating way of breathing, but being all offensive with my size 14 ass, and my offensively large tits, and tattoo, and stretch marks, and PUBIC HAIR (because, sorry, I'm not down with some chick waxing that shit all off) is the best I can think of.
I enjoy that when I do this y'all clearly get really fucking uncomfortable with having a naked chic who clearly doesn't do Yoga at 7:30 every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday night standing 2 feet away from you.
Ladies, I am comfortable with myself and comfortable with my body and CLEARLY that makes you uncomfortable.
Do me a favor and stop staring at my "flaws". If you're staring because you're impressed with my magnificent tits, than just say so. (I mean, you have every right to be. Let's be real.)
Otherwise, if you're staring at me with disgust and I catch you, you're going to get The Stare, and possibly a nipple in your eye if you happen to have a locker near mine.
You have been warned.
Kisses!!!
See you next Tuesday....
-Cate
xx
Comments
Do ya mind if I print this out to hand out to all the bitches who should happen to stare??
And...FINALLY I find another woman who isn't afraid to have *gasp!!* Pubic Hair!!
Preach it sister!!
And that was ME blowing drying my hair while naked just cause I knew it made you squirm.
I'll make an agreement with you primadonna betches too... If you ADMIRE me for MAKING AN EFFORT, doing something proactive for my health, I promise not to point out that women who go to the gym in full makeup - including foundation - are only there in the hopes of getting noticed/laid.
Hell yes! To all of the above, and to the women that suck their teeth at me because "poor ol' big booty" me is wearing baggy windbreakers instead of butt hugging leggings. I hope the workout was worth the wedgie.
I just can't stand the thought of someone being there to potentially watch you sweat. And when I get on a treadmill...I am walking on it. LOL
I wear full makeup to the gym because it's on the way home from work. Not that it matters, most of the men in my gym are gay so it would be wasted effort. Other than that, I'm probably the only female there in an old freebie t-shirt I got from some work or charity event and whatever shorts work best for whatever I want to do - if I'm going to run, I pick the shorts that don't ride up my thighs and collect in my crotch area, etc.
I haven't bought any new workout clothes in years so I'll let all the posers prance around in the newest psuedo sweat togs.
After I work out, I'm usually a red-faced, drenched-in-sweat, mascara-running sight. I go to the gym so I can look and feel good in 'real life', I don't look good to go the gym. And I sure don't look good when I'm done working out! The stares I get are probably "OMG, her face is not a color found in nature. She needs an IV."
However, there are a few gyms in town that are strictly see and be seen. I don't go to those. I would need to get an entirely new wardrobe to even set foot in the door.
If I paid for it, would you put this in a full page ad in People Magazine? I laughed my (rather big) ass off while reading this. So did my husband who is sitting next to me. (and he likes my rather big ass, I might add).
(thanks for admitting the farting....no one ever does that!)
You are awesome, Cate!
I used to go to a nice gym when I lived near London (before I had a work permit and loads of extra time on my hands). These are just the words I would use to express my experiences. I continued to use the gym four times a week with my fat ass and stretch marks!
I'm, like, tooootally nastified.
You are my hero! :)
I'm here, ladies, for my mental health
The dental floss thong queens be damned! haha! I need you with me at my gym! hee hee!!! :)
OMG. So that was YOU. I am so ashamed. I didn't hear you *ahem* toot, though, so thanks for telling me. Seriously, I mean, how dare you go near me if you have stretch marks and body hair? Like, wow. And everything.
Oh, wait. Hang on. I wasn't staring with disgust, I was just realizing how H.O.T. you looked in lime green.
Thankfully you told us about the toots, though. That would have been a serious breach of etiquette if you hadn't copped to it.
Show us the lime green, Cuppy-Cate!
I hate the gym solely because of the morons who frequent it. If I'm hanging out at a place that makes me sell my ovaries to afford a ride on their stair master, then I'm going to sweat. A Lot!
And no, I'm not going to look like Kelly Kapowski while I'm doing it.
yeah, and if i were staring at you in the gym, it would likely be in admiration, because your tits look great in that lime green bikini top.
i don't go to a gym. because i can't afford it. and because i don't really want people staring at me while i sweat and work my ass off on the erg and treadmills. thank the gods my mother has a treadmill in the basement, so i just get my (currently approaching planetary dimensions) ass on it and walk. i like to jog... but it's been a while.
so they have chicks called Sandy in the UK? man, i really thought that was a US thing. shouldn't they all be called something posh like Gemma and Hermione or something like that?
Also, pretty please to tag this "open letter" to aid in my glorious, nefarious scheme of amassing an enormous, all-inclusive "fuck you" to all the assclowns and twats of the world.
Yay you!
you rock. but do I really need to tell you that?
of course I do, because you rock.
Let's fart-attack the skunk little beach (yeah, I'm french and never managed to pronounce it properly!) that stare at even so beautiful-big-butt !
First thing I read this morning and I know that it'll keep me happy all day. I used to do the gym, but no more. I'm loving me some Shaun T and hip hop abs in my living room where I can fart and only the dog hears me. (It's payback, really.) Strut your stuff!!
PS. Pshaw on those with no pubes and ha ha because pee just ran down your leg. If you'd just kept them, they'd direct your pee nicely to the place where it should go.
first of all, fuck them. Fuck them all. LOL. And don't worry about who is looking at you. LOL. Everyone in there secretly feels like they are a freak about something, the ones looking down their nose at you in the gym, cling to having something to look down their nose about - and that's sad and wee bit pathetic. And stop calling yourself fat, would you. *farts* okay, moving on...
You can do what I do. I come from a long line of very angry scowlers. This protected me in high school from people who wanted to kick my ass, and generally keeps unwanted people at bay. When you walk into the gym, put on an icy face, stare hard at a few offenders until they blush or move away...and then be on with it. Sometimes striking terror in the hearts of many can have its advantages.
It's not just girls either.. I'm by no means shy of the gym, I want nice abs, and want to be healthy, but I dont care for weights, I use the lightest weight and balance with them, or some other kind of excersise, but I can tell every time, I go to the weights section, I feel like I have a million eyes on me watching what weight I chose.
And the girls in the pink clothes going 3.2... ANNOYING! If you're going to the gym to watch the soaps, dont bother! you're really not doing enough to make it worth while, stay at home to watch corri.
AMEN!!!
thank you for saying what i wish i had the courage to say!
I'm a big fan of going to the gym, but I always finish my session looking like a very sweaty beetroot. I can't stand the 3.2 women who never have so much as a bead of sweat on their fully made up face - put some effort in woman, or stay at home!
Cat-
Print it out and hand it to whomever you like. Actually, just get some glue and glue it to people's foreheads, too. That might work...lol
Brandy-
I used to be petrified of going to the gym. Honestly. I had a membership in CA before I moved and rarely went. I felt so self conscious and paranoid and intimidated. Some days I would drive by and not be able to go in. Gyms are scary places...It's all in the attitude you have going in.
Paul-
No one is allowed to look at me. I'm sort of like The Queen. You have to ask permission before looking at me.
Nancy Mitchell-
LOL People Magazine? Sure! Why not! I feel like we should just run through different gyms plastering them on the wall of the ladies locker rooms, too. :) Glad you enjoyed it!!!
Natalie-
Yes. I will adopt you. Just prepare for a lifetime of gas and nakedness? Cool?
RPM-
I'm going to have to practice my scowling face. I have a pretty bitchy stare, but I feel my main power (aside from the farting) is muttering things just loud enough so people can hear. Unfortunately, people are so stupid, they don't get that I'm talking about them.
Thank you all for reading! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like this at the gym. Yay farting!
xx
I haven't experienced much judgement at my current gym, thankfully, but I do catch the occasional glance from some spandex-clad toothpick that seems to say "how sad, a woman who goes to the gym to work out and sweat instead of preen and pick up!" I fart in her general direction. (Accidentally, of course.)
Ok, another brain tangent here. Around work, during project time, me and one of the contractors have this goofy shit we do that started out as another way to fuck with people. We used to walk up to people in groups (a few of them who know the joke) and ask them, "Are you looking at my ass?" and then repeat louder and louder until they answer. No answer is the right answer.
If they answer yes, then you parade around asking them what they like most about your ass. If they answer no, you then pout and ask why your ass is not good enough to look at. Each round of questions and answers gets more and more frustrating and embarassing and funny. Extra points if you get one mad enough to take a swing at you. You should see the contractors turn red. LOL
FANTASTIC!!
And I raise my glass (ok, coffee cup) to your manifesto on gym behavior and not being an asshole! I have to admit that it's been wayyyy too long since I got my ass back on the eliptical machine, but when I do go, I go to our local community facility. It's wonderful. I work out in the afternoons, because that's when the senior citizens are there. Most of the old ladies put me to shame; they're in a thousand times better shape than I am. But they don't laugh at me or cut me snide looks. Instead they smile with the sweetly supportive wisdom of their age, as if to say, "it's alright, honey, you'll quit smoking some day. You just keep panting and hyperventilating, and we'll be rooting for you."
I've missed you.
You are my hero. I will be sure to think of you and cackle the next time I'm de-buttering my baker's dozen in the gym locker room on campus to the disgust of the skinny sorority chicks.
Big flabby hugs,
Tiffany
P.S. I don't trust a full-grown woman with no pubes.
Did it ever occur to you that all those staring folks may just have read a leaked copy of your interview in the Observer and were just to damn shy to ask for your autograph?
Unless you're in the Chelsea Charms range (http://imagesforum.doctissimo.fr/mesimages/4101343/chelsea_charms1.jpg), where the only thing getting offended is my back, then your bewbies are probably all sorts of A-OK. :)
Thank god for straightforward women and blogs like this!