Already got the red shoes, and the little dog...Now I want the bubble!
I've decided I'm going to go live in a bubble.
Or rather, a big Martini glass, with a bubble over it.
I'll have wireless internet, and a door to receive food.
The food consisting strictly of...
-Ranch Dressing
-Stuffed Crust, Extra Cheese, Extra Pineapple, Zucchini, with Ranch instead of Tomoato Sauce pizza from Roundtable
(And for me, they WILL DELIVER INTERNATIONALLY)
I'd like an email filter to not only block junk mail, but to prevent "Asshole Mail", and "Nit Picky, Bullshitting, Naggy Ass" emails, as well.
-Chicken Korma and pashwari naan-Grilled Cheese Sandwiches from Mel's Diner
-Heinz Baked Beans
-The Red Baron cheesy garlic bread they used to sell in my high school's cafeteria (Word to LCHS)
-Heinz Ketchup and Best Foods Mayo
-Mexican Food cooked personally by Bonita.
-Miracle Dietary Supplement to prevent arteries from clogging
I'm thinking this Martini Glass encased in a Bubble will also include a queen size, canopy bed, and a secret code that only very few, like 3 people, know so they can come hang out...and a heated toilet that magically cleans itself.
I want a plasma screen TV that doesn't allow any shows with Paris Hilton or Rosie O'Donnell to be played, and willl filter out the Girls Gone Wild commercials. Did I mention Tivo? Did I mention I'd like Grey's Anatomy and Bridezillas to be playing all day, everyday?
But most importantly, I'd like my new home to have a sniper rifle with a super, international, intergalactic scope so I can shoot "STOP BEING SUCH A TWAT" bullets (okay, maybe not bullets, but paint balls) at every single person who has been pissing me off lately.
I've got the fucking rage, lately. RAGE.
I've got sickness, a raw nose, and a heavy-flow menstrual cycle...I'm ANNOYED.
Look, I generally try to channel my rage and pissed off-ness into a more intellectual, and intelligent way of expression...But today...Not going to happen.
I really don't want to rant and bitch...but...
Fucking hell!
I was thinking about THIS post, and just things and conversations and moments in my own personal life as of late..and I just don't understand why people get so fucking crazy when good things happen to other people?
Why do I know and have an uncountable number of women in my life that are so ridiculously insecure, unstable, paranoid, easily threatened, easily put on the defensive, envious, jealous, and so maliciously conniving?
I wonder why people let each other go so easily. Why is it so hard to admit fault? Why is it so hard for some to put up a fight, and admit that they're vulnerable, and have made a mistake?
Why do people need to lie and make excuses for themselves before apologizing and admitting even a granule of fault?
Why is there this overwhelming need for attention and dramatics that some people are so demented and self obsessed that they really do believe that the world revolves around them? Like the world is one big, fat conspiracy to maliciously bring down their life?
YOUR life that just seems to be this perpetual orgy of deprivation**?
Why do people just walk away? Give up?.
Why don't people don't fight more? And I'm not talking domestic squabbly bullshitty fights...
I mean, those "take a deep hard look at yourself during an emotional battle" kind of fight.
Those awkward, uncomfortable, heated fights between yourself and your friends.
That "make it or break it" conversation with a family member.
Your children.
My dad.
Your mother.
Why don't people care enough to fight?
Why don't you have enough passion in you to fight for me?
Am I really that disposable?
Are people really that blind to their own actions? Why is it when a mirror is thrown up in their view, a mirror to question and present their faults....
People run. Deny. Lie. Dismiss. Avoid...Anything but look. Anything by think.
They can't believe you would say or would think such things about them. It's not just MY fault.You did, this. You did, that.
Make a big show, a distraction, throw insults.
You? No. Never.
That's all I ever get from people, if that.
Sometimes people just disappear. Not wanting to fight. Not wanting to discuss.
I will not accept blame that manifests itself purely to lighten the burden of your guilt.
I will not apologize so you can feel better, knowing that I've apologized and therefore must have done something wrong, making the problem not JUST you.
Where's the passion?
Why didn't you have enough passion to fight for me?
And don't just fight for me as a possession, or as a cure for your solitude...
I have lost and given up on so many people lately. Cut you out. Cut you off. Peace.
That is what far too many of my supposed friendships and relationships have dwindled down to lately...
That doesn't mean that I give up easy. I fight. I will fight all fucking night if I need to.
One of these days you'll get to hear the story of how on our "last night" in London together Iain and I fought with two of our - now former - friends from 1am to 10:00am the next morning. Non-stop.
If you shut down, throw up your hands, and throw down the cop-out of "Well then I guess you're right! You're right about everything!" and walk away...
It takes every bone in my body not to run up, jump on your back, and scream in your ear "FUCKING TALK TO ME" until I get you to talk.
I'm not always a fighter. I know when to shut-up. I know when there's no battle to be fought, or won, and when to just do my own thing while an army battles an invisible foe.
I know when I've lost. I know when I can't win.
But it seems that people always just let me go.
Really, I do know it's me letting them go. Letting go of the relationship or friendship we had that existed purely on my own efforts. When I stop putting forth the effort, there is no effort to be seen, therefore it's easy to say that because I am the only factor in this relationship that has shifted their behavior, that I am to blame for the ultimate change.
Never mind that you never tried, anyway. I stopped, therefore, it's my fault.
If you really loved me like your daughter. Like your best friend. Like your "sister"...
And I came to you, laid out my honest emotions, and vulnerable opinions as to WHY there is a rift in our relationship...
Wouldn't you STOP? Wouldn't you THINK? Wouldn't you want to rebuild? Fix, clear out the wound, and THEN bandage it up?
I will not smooth something over for the sake of keeping the peace.
I am never neutral. If I am, it's because I don't know enough about something to have an opinion either way...
Politics? Fuck if I know.
Real friendship, real love, real family? That I know.
Maybe it's a curse that I know these things too well. Maybe I understand TOO much about myself. Maybe I have been hurt too deeply in the past, and know all too well what a red flag looks like.
Maybe I know too well what a toxic friend, lover, or parent looks like.
Maybe other people don't lose their "childhood best friend" and their father in the same month.
Maybe other people don't have family members they once looked up to, not acknowledge their wedding.
Maybe I'm jaded. Maybe I'm bitter...Or maybe my eyes are just too open.
I don't understand how a friend that I had for such a long time...A girl that watched me grow up. A girl who I held after her break ups, stood up for when she was judged, and put nothing before...
The girl that was there for my first Frappuccino, my short red hair, my high school musicals and the hours and hours of Christina Aguilera karaoke...
How could you just cower and run when I called you on your bullshit?
Would it have been so difficult to just LISTEN to what I had to say? Is it really that UNIMAGINABLE that you could be possibly be... WRONG? (*gasp*cough*panic attack*)
Let's see...
I go back home for the first time in 6 months for 3 weeks, didn't have a car, and live 20 miles away from you...
And you're too busy doing school projects, going to sorority meetings and working at your part time job to somehow find time over 21 days to DRIVE to come see me? Even ONCE?
I ask when you're free to go to lunch, and I get a god damn SCHEDULE of your life in return. Good to see there's a small window between 4 and 5:30 for me to hitch-hike it up the Freeway just in time to catch you before your yoga class...Fuck, I'm sorry that you'll have to give up your nail appointment in order to meet up...The SACRIFICES you make!
Amazing that after THREE MONTHS of silence, the first form of contact comes in an email from you asking, "We're no longer friends on Myspace?!"
Seriously?
And you still don't understand why I didn't exactly accept your "sincere congratulations on your marriage" that was embedded in between your cold, Psychology 101 mid-term essay style response to my "Are you KIDDING ME?" email?
How do you then, justify cutting someone out of your life and ending a 7 year friendship with a curt, 4 line email that ends with a simple "Good bye".
Perhaps I should have known this would happen. Maybe I'm at fault for thinking that she had grown up enough to finally be able to handle my "grown-up" issues and adult life.
When I told her about my fiance visa, and she asked me if I could CHARGE THINGS ON MY FIANCEE VISA I should have known to run away. (GV Alert! GV Alert!)
How could I really expect a self-obsessed 21 year old to really be able to grasp hold and appreciate and understand my battle with depression and therapy? (Yes, I see the irony here...)
I should have known that her ego's capabilities don't include owning up to fault and making mistakes. Maybe I should have realized years ago that she had already let me go...
Maybe I should have realized my time to let go was long over due...
I would not trade a single failed relationship for the precious, few, genuine ones I have now. There's the old saying of, "If you love someone, set them free" and hopefully, if it's true love, they'll come back.
I've loved friends, family, and boys.
They have wronged me, or I've been blind to the true conditions of our relationship...
So I have stopped trying. Stopped calling. Stopped kissing.
I've been met with silence.
I've been met with hate.
I've been abandoned, and left alone.
All the better. All the wiser. But all the more bruised.
My high expectations of others is my fault, and my burden that fuels my depression and worst moments.
It can be found in every relationship, friendship, and downfall of my life.
I have extremely high expectations of myself. My imperfections are not handled perfectly enough.
...And that is why I want to live in my own little bubble today.
I think that there is always some sort of bubble around me. A defence mechanism I choose not to put up. This bubble, this armour, that I keep hidden until I've been so beaten down that I have no choice but to lash out and put it up.
I can be a push-over sometimes. As cynical as I can be, I still like to believe in the best in people. Not that they're perfect, but that they'll rise to the occasion when there's a conflict.
Rifts and conflicts will naturally arise in relationships and friendships as they progress.
It happens.
Some people are toxic lost causes that we don't need in our life. Some are just leeches that like to suck the joy out of our successes and latch on for the ride, seeing how far they can get themselves while "drafting" behind our lead..
Recognize those moments where you need to fight, instead of flee.
But never underestimate how euphoric and empowering having a small circle of true, genuine supporters can feel.
To my own, humble circle...Thank you.
Y'all can totally have the secret code to my bubble.
* * I totally jacked this line from "On Beauty" by Zora Smith
Comments
very well said & well felt.
and CAN you charge things on your fiancee visa? hahaha! lmao.oh boy/.
xoxox
Hey, if I'd known you could charge things on a fiancee visa, I'd have travelled overseas to marry my hubby instead of having him stay here!
Can I borrow your bubble? I just roll my eyes at the "peace at any price" folks. The politically correct, "oh, let's not fight about it, shall we?" sort. Yes, let's play nice and nurture resentment in our hearts, let it fester in the dark, while we smile plastic smiles worthy of a Barbie doll... I am not much for conflict and confrontation, either, mind you - but it's preferable if push comes to shove.
mmm, what thoughts:) Just yesterday I was venting to a friend about people not standing up and fighting for something they believe. Cliche maybe, but WHY?! do people seem to let go without hesitation? Everything has to be perfect, politically correct----- After thinking a little more about it, I think youre one of the very few people not constantly in a bubble. People have those defenses around their martini glasses or beer mugs;) and they never take them down--always wearing a mask. Props for retracting the bubble dome ceiling to your martini glass-- I hope you dont have to stay under there to long. Who knows, you might be able to pop someone else's bubble and show them world without a clear plastic film in front of them. Its surely a much more realistic and--if not better--at least more refreshing way to look at the sky.
peace-
kyle
oh cate. so creepily alike, we are. (except for the international thing.)
i feel you 110%. thanks for speaking to me and for yourself, at the same time.
*hugs*
Why won't anyone fight for me?
I recently lost a friend because in his own words "talking is so unmanly." Instead of confronting the problems we had he chose to throw me to the rubbish bin. The same friend who only months earlier told me not to run away from him.
Things in my life are awful at the moment. I've not been this low in a very long time. I had emailed him to say I needed a friend. We hadn't spoken in weeks. He came and we had what I thought was a good chat. I thought that it meant we were finally able to start working on the problems between us. Then the next day he threw me away citing "Nothing (you haven't) has changed."
the story of my life. so sorry it's been your story too. :(
but we are not like those people. those people who don't fight for the ones they say they love.
you are different. i can tell.
my husband has shown me this last year what it looks like to have someone fighting for me and standing up for me when i've been at my worst. that's what real love does. it's not selfish. it's willing to sacrifice and fight and get messy.
hits a raw nerve with me too... I think I've written about it before - the fact that there is ONE person, and only one person, in my life who has EVER said "I'm sorry" after hurting me. Everyone else seems to prefer to pretend that nothing ever happened.
my "end in a moment" friendship happened when, following my annual tradition, I became MIA around my bday. a friend left snottier & snottier messages when he couldn't get ahold of me (I still don't know what was going on - why he got so mad). Ever time I became calm enough to call him, I'd get another snotty voicemail and be too mad to talk again. He eventually sent a letter that started nice but changed to BASTARD 1/2 way through - including accusing me of only being his friend, for 5 yrs, because I wanted him to buy me a computer that I could steel. I was FURIOUS. 5+ years of friendship and that's all he thought of me? Nothing else mattered - just this stupid PC I didn't want in the first place?
Yeah, dude... that's right... I took you on 2 very expensive 1st class vacations, I counseled you through tough times in your relationships, I loved you as my brother, I was with you for the funerals of both your parents, I HELD YOUR MOTHER WHILE SHE DIED - all because I hoped that one day you'd buy me a PC and I could not pay you back. Yeah, that's totally me.
I sent him a message - reminding him he had a key to my apt, apologizing for causing him to think I was "stealing" the computer, and telling him the hrs I would be gone so he could pick up it up. And we have never spoke again.
never content with 1 comment to a single post:
I must admit that, most times, this crap all works out for the best. The timing is rarely good and rarely meets my expectations but, in the long run, having these people leave me (or me leaving them) makes room for better people to come into my life.
Seriously. This sucks. I know how you feel.
Most of my life I have copted the "I'm way too cool to care" attitude, but lately, I don't seem to have it in me anymore. The people who just stop talking to me, just stop returning my calls, or change their numbers without telling me, the one's who I would have once dismissed as stupid bitches, well I still think they are stupid bitches, but now it stings. I wonder what it is about me that causes people to just walk away without saying anything, to never tell me what I did wrong, to make me feel so replaceable.
It's sad when you get to the point where you find someone to love but your friends only know how to be jealous and judgemental; when they can't be happy for you, the way you were happy for them, even though your the one who has endured relationship hell in the last several years while they bought houses and cars and designer with their husbands money.
My best friend and I have been on weird terms ever since Drew and I started dating, but last weekend it seems we finally mended the issues there. At least she had the guts to stand up and fight with me, even if the things she said were jealous at least she didn't just ignore me away. She and I started talking and we realized that though we may have only become friends in the last couple years we share more than either of us do with the friends we've known since we were still learning how to put on makeup without looking like a clown. I guess what I'm saying is fuck the people who can't be bothered to fight for you, they really don't matter. Nice memories or years spent together don't mean a thing if they can't respect you.
Well said. It sounds like you've simply outgrown your friend. Don't hold on to hate or bitterness. You have to remember that you're living a very extraordinary life for a 21-year-old (you are 21, right?) and with all of these experiences comes a mature, worldly perspective that your friends might not understand. You're probably starting to understand friendship differently and are not entirely appreciative of the way our generation (I'm 23) tends to approach it.
The advent of the Internet is a blessing and a curse. Twenty somethings use MySpace and Facebook as a way to bond, to build friendship -- it's quick, it's convenient, and it doesn't really require much from anyone. But we don't engage in genuine exchange; it's just a shallow, sub-par reproduction of real friendship. It's no shock that your friend was more upset about being removed from your MySpace friends than the very real deterioration of your friendship. I know it's hard not to be angry, but I'd actually feel sorry for someone for whom genuine friendship is less significant than "OMGZ, YOU REMOVED ME FROM YOUR TOP 8?!?!?"
This isn't just your friend's problem but a huge societal issue. She might grow up and come around. After all, BFFs Rachel and Monica didn't speak for years, either. ;)
My family has a long history of feuding. We're Irish, if we have no one else to fight, we fight each other ;) At the mo, we've got:
*Me vs. Little Sister, re: why do I not forgive our father for years of abuse
*Great-aunt T vs, her older sister Great-aunt D, re: what D said about T's granddaughter
*Aunt M vs. her older sister Aunt S, re: why S thinks M should divorce her husband
It's a pastime.
You're not alone.
I think one of the biggest reasons I love you so much is because you have this expectation of others not to be douche bags. I love how you're soft, gentle yet, firm enough to speak up when a GV walks in the room or a friend stops caring and say "fuck you and get out!"
Seriously, knowing you is like finding a safe shore of understanding. You get it. You're a smart female. Are there really so few of them left anymore? I don't even bother having close friendships in real life! It's better for me to find them on the internet because they're so scarce in real life. How I was so lucky to find you, I'll never know but I'm so grateful to the Universe, God, Sheeva, or whoever the hell is in control of the Grand Plan for putting me in the right place, at the right time to find you because you give me hope.
Even when you're bitchy, raw, annoyed and pms'ing, you still give me hope because you're real. You don't hide anything because you're so honest. I'm not saying you're the messiah of women. We're not perfect, none of us are, but you're just so honest.
Those friends you've cut off... Yes, they were long overdue. I agree with you there. You know what I've been going through lately? I lost my childhood friend Krystal? and I'm having problems with another friend. It fucking sucks. But Krystal was toxic to me and losing her was a blessing, a long overdue blessing.
Anyway, I'm so glad I've finally realized it's better to have a few people who hold the code to your bubble than a bunch of GV's and douche bags sucking the life out of me. I gotta tell ya, you've helped me grow up a lot.
As much as going through that shit sucks, you know you're better off without that "friend." How cliched that sounds...
I want a martini glass bubble too for days like that when everything is just raw and people are too toxic.
"Maybe I should have realized years ago that she had already let me go... "
You are so much wiser than your years - I love you.
Cate, every time I read your posts I think... God I love this girl. Seriously. the courage to share every emotion you have is amazing and wonderful.
I know what you mean. =)
Ruthy-
Lol, I know...I wish that I could charge things on my fiancee visa as I just found out it will cost us £335-£500 to get my Spouse visa...CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? Jeesus! I'm fucking unemployed! I ain't got no money! We seriously need to pay THAT much money just so I can STAY and WORK!? KILL ME.
Holly-
You can totally borrow my bubble...I just ask that you make cook for me ;)
Azulcielo-
What an awesome comment! Very articulate! I very much agree with you that not that many people choose to live bubble-free. It seems to be the easy way out, doesn't it? Very "ignorance is bliss", no? Thank you for that....
Paperheart-
I'm so sorry about your friend. Some people just can't handle being a good friend. I hope that you find someone to talk to...I know how hard it can be to feel like no one understands you...Hang in there :)
Secret Heart-
Thank you :) My husband is showing me the same thing...
LeendaDLL-
My lovely...I'm so sorry about your friend. People are fucking nuts, aren't they? People just get delusional and will believe whatever they want. Eh, I'm so sorry..Better that he's out of your life though, huh?
Cate-
So glad you and your friend worked shit out!!! At least she had the balls enough to talk and thought that it was worth it enough to fight :)
Regina-
You are so right...People don't really understand what it is to be a REAL friend, now not just simply rely on Top 8 bullshit! Thank you for your heart felt comment...She will probably come around...But I'm wondering if it's even worth it, ya know? Time will tell...
Kristen-
I need to write you a freakin' email...lol....My finger's throbbing and I can barely type...I LOVE YOU!!! (and a PACKAGE!!!??!)
hello my name is fabulous-
THANK YOU!!!!!!! I loved the song you uploaded...And yes, you are fabulous :)
Spooktastic-
Thank you :) You're right, sometimes cutting people out is just the best option...The people who can't handle their ugly reflection just gotta go! Brutal honest can be rough..but I'd rather cry from the truth than from a lie...
Rogue-
We could get matching Martini Glasses :)
Bobbie-
Holy crap, you have no idea.It was one of the WORST nights of my life...But we are so much better off. Oh man, the drama...lol
Grumblebunny-
YES a champagne glass will do :) lol
Kat-
I'll be there, sister!
...So does this mean you're okay cooking for me, too? lol
xx
*hehehe*
What are your favorite dishes? =)
people are conniving and evil and nasty about other people's happiness when they are completely lost as to how to find their own.
it's simply true.
but it's hard to let go of the idea (wish, hope, dream) that any relationship is going to sustain, grown and last forever. it's hard to let go of ANYTHING (and especially anyone) that was a part of your life at some point; it's hard to call into question what you thought you had with someone...but I believe you have to rid yourself of people who diminish your life and energy and surround yourself (in a bubble if you will) with those who give and receive love openly and fiercely.
Sometimes it's just easier to pretend that you haven't realised a friendship, or a relationship is dead..
But when it's over, it's over. And sometimes accepting that can be the hardest, but the most relieving thing.
It's in the air. I'm relating to almost all of my vox friends because we're all in the same boat. Well, I'm in the same boat with you. I'm sick of it all, but shit happens.
I gave up trying to be friends. Because if he or she doesnt give a shit, then why should I? I'm done.
It was sbsolutely maddening....I WANTED to disagree. I WANTED to debate, to clear the air of whatever residuals lay buried beneath old wounds between us. That just did not happen.
omg. i'm so tired of all the "relationships" where i am doing all the damn work. When you stop doing the work, you see really quickly where you stood with those folks.
I am not going to live in a bubble, but i will be the crazy cat lady in that big house by the end of the road.
but anyway, i think it is one of those things that will make us much stronger in the end. don't worry about her. people like that will only drag you down.
HI!!
MOÇA BONITA, i posted photos in my blog, about Rio de Janeiro.
now, this month is carnaval here, brief i wil post photos about the party that year. see and comment something... ok?