Fear and self loathing in...the quiet suburbs of London
I thought I would try a new approach to this whole, looking for freelance work thing. Sure, being angry and panicky and all fearing the fear of failure is really good for my mental health and my husband just loves being around me when I'm like that - but I thought maybe I'd go out on a crazy, bald, umbrella slinging whim and try a different way of thinking.
I've been trying to make a lot of changes, lately. When I got back from Tokyo I was all, "Fuck this! This is my life! My L-I-F-E! It's short! I gotta start doing shit! HARDCORE." And then like magic, the Universe was all, "Hah-hah, Grasshopper. You want change? You think you want to live your life, HARDCORE!? YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND, SUCKA." And, like magic, my job refused to stop paying my obscenely high, trillion figure salary which then resulted in me making the decision to peace out.
So, in the midst of panicking and worrying about money and breathing in bags of all shapes, sizes and colors - I'm trying to...redecorate and refurbish my life.
See, I love myself. A lot. But I feel like somewhere over the past two years I went from being a really cute shabby chic studio apartment to being a 2 bedroom,1 bath cottage that sort of resemble the shabby chic studio aparment, but wtih considerably more room in both the rear and middle section. The owner started to feel really bad about the house, but was too busy enjoying red wine and pizza and sleeping in late to like, mow the lawn, get new furniture or replace the peeling wallpaper.
So, my goal is to refurbish the house, inside and out, to being the spacious one bedroom studio apartment with funky furniture, colorful walls and a tiny yet bountiful garden in front.
So, to do that, I've here's what I've been doing:
* While I may not seem like the yoga type, I totally dig it. I've always to get ball bendy and stretchy and to be less homicidal and more zen, so I'm doing yoga once a week.
* I always look at cute girls with glasses and am filled with jealous rage, so I'm going to take my ass to Specsavers and get some cute glasses.
* I'm going to the gym! And working out! And lifting weights, and trying to, oh I don't know, fit into the hot jeans I used to wear when I first moved here. Imagine! JUST IMAGINE. If I could get my ass into US size 6s or 8s again, I would be SOOOO HAPPY!!!! (Fat and happy, I'm over it. I'm cool being thin and content. Or how about thinnish and not hating how her body looks every single fucking day of her life. My that sounds nice.)
* I've seriously been taking vitamins. Vitamins for my hair and skin, a multivitamin, and these nifty effervescent Vitamin C tablets. This really isn't that big of a deal, but I just wanted to type the word effervescent. It's my favorite new word.)
I'm trying to calm. I'm trying to center. I'm trying to get my shit together and move forward so I don't feel like a stagnant twat all the time. I just feel like I haven't DONE anything. It's horrible, and I defend myself all the time saying, "I'm not LUCKY! I had to WORK for all this!!!!!"
But I don't know if believe that anymore. Since picking up and moving here, I don't feel like I've been particularly brave or proactive about anything. Yes, I did a damn good at my job. Yes, I was asked to be on TV and in a magazine and to give some quotes here and there and was basically handed a writing job.
In my heart, I want to work my ass off. I want to be brave. I want to be tired and excited all of the time, and to take a massive risk, and then get to bask in the glow of my success.
But at the moment, I have to admit, I'm so scared of actually working that hard. I'm scared of taking a risk, because what if that glow doesn't come?
What if I'm the girl who moved here and then had some good shit happen to her...and then have that be it?
That can't be it.
I won't let it be it...but I have to admit I've been sitting here with a few tools and a shopping list of supplies I need to refurbish my "house"...and I feel like all I can do is sit and stare at my To-Do list through tearful eyes.
I can do this. I will do this.
It's just a shame getting started has to be this hard.
Comments
Hang in there, girl! :) I believe that crisis happens in our lives to shake up our status quo and shake us out of our unhealthy ruts......so we can change and grow forward for the better!!! :)
If you are interested in having some online workout buddies, we just started round two of the Vox Fitness Challenge group which is a group that dedicates itself to 12 week stretches of being active and healthy....so we can all look fabulous eventually!! We are totally human and not psycho workout zombies....or calorie counting machines. It's mainly a support group so you have people to talk to and support you through the 12 weeks. And it's a great group we got for round two. If you are interested in more info, you can check it out here. We just started round two this past Monday and latecomers can still join up before the end of this first week. And if you want to join us...let me know and I will send you an invite. (its a private group so everyone feels good about sharing!)
Doing stuff for yourself is wonderful and it'll pay off in the end. You'll come to love downward facing dog and be amazed at how zen you'll feel. I also have no doubt you'll be a cutie pie in glasses. So go forth to Specsavers and find yourself some titanium, lightweight specs!
I agree wholeheartedly with FoxsyDee and Kimmie. I think crisis is what catalyzes us to make changes, and sometimes we *need* crisis to guide us down a different path that we never would have seen on our own. Just keep making those positive changes for yourself - to make yourself happier - and I fully believe that new opportunities are going to present themselves. It won't be long. And you certainly do have an affinity for tackling new things and learning very quickly. Your experiences and your writing certainly speak to that. Plus, you've got an awesome husband by your side, which makes tackling those obstacles a little easier :)
And don't forget your blog friends are here for you too! We're rooting for you to help give you that extra boost when you need it!
Aw man. You just need to do this like other life changes, gradually. Smaller changes last longer and therefeore get woven into your life's tapestry better than massive changes all at once. Start small, work your way up.
=) You can do it....
Yea for all the remodeling. Good luck. Maybe I'll get motivated to follow your lead. More than likely, I'll just continue to be the most dilapidated house on the best block.
You are always right where you are supposed to be so enjoy it. Most of us need a kick in the ass to make change and even though you have no clue where you are going, it's not life or death, so true friends and family are that really matter in the end, but you still need to pay your bills so get pissed off and follow your biggest dream, the one that the quiet little voice reminds you of and not the loud ego voice. Most of all remember life is a marathon, not a sprint, take time to enjoy but always keep moving forward.
Luv ya!
UTB
W-O-W! I feel you CupCate! Im going through the same thing right now! I recently lost my job due to the company going bankrupt! haha! (okay,not funny) But I have all those same thoughts going through my head as well! And i've also been rearranging my house! haha! Too funny! I wonder if this is what a mid-life crisis feels like but for 20-somethings without a j-o-b! This experience has definitely been life changing...May the force be with you sister and hang in there, I like to think everything happens for a reason, and maybe we just needed this break to relax, reflect and react!
Aloha!
If I could hug you all and buy you a round of drinks, I would. But, this is the internet. I can only express my love for you in misspelled words and emoticons.
I love your honesty Cate. There's this saying 'pain is the breaking of the shell to your understanding' ... wait, I may have fucked that quote up...but you get the idea. Slowly, things will unravel for you. You are talented, gorgeous, firey and authentic!
I hear you roar babes and I'm in Texas.
you are a pink Phoenix my beautiful girl, you are on an amazing path
Couldn't have said it better myself. Dear Cate: Relax. Breathe deeply. Good things await you. Loads of them.